the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Sally can't dance - and neither can I

It often amuses me that I'm such a fan of danceable music, especially funk, yet I couldn't dance my way out of a wet paper bag with a map and foot diagrams. When I tell people this, they invariably say, "Oh, of course you can dance; everybody can dance. You just have to relax and throw yourself into it."

Sure, that would be nice. I've always been envious of people who can dance, even the people who don't do it well. It looks like a lot of fun. It's not that I've never tried - fuck, I even earned myself a nickname for my beer-fueled dancefloor antics.

But for those of you who don't believe me, I offer shocking photographic evidence of my complete lack of the dance gene. I'm told these shots are a thumb-jerk away from being Elaine on Seinfeld. This ain't gonna be pretty.


uglydance1.jpg
When the pimp's in the crib, ma...

uglydance2.jpg
Drop it like it's hot...

uglydance3.jpg
Drop it like it's hot...

uglydance4.jpg
Drop it like it's hot...

39 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Susie said...

Well. PWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA

8:29 PM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

We dance the same way, almost.
I do the "retarded frog in blender" move.
Needless to say, I dance a lot.
The annoyance of others = my personal amusement

8:42 PM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

So, um, what you're really saying here is that ***whispering*** you're White and from the MidWest. ***stop whispering*** Is that it?

8:49 PM, November 16, 2005  
Anonymous bekah said...

Well, your problem is that you're not doing what the song is telling you to - you're not DROPPING!

It's not "knee it like it's hot."

If you just followed the directions, you'd be golden.

9:47 PM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger whfropera said...

and maybe, just maybe losing the bathrobe - if you danced in your underwear no one would notice that you can't dance well at all!

:)
but yeah - that whole "white from the Midwest?" Right back at cha.

10:03 PM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Hey Bucky. Ask Bone Machine about his run-in with Elaine Chewbacca some time. It was a heck of a night and it took place in the Grand Ole Opry. It doesn't get much betta.

10:04 PM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger Zombie_Flyboy said...

Bucky, I can honestly say, that I've never been more turned on that I am right now.

Raaaaawwwwwwwrrrrrrr!

10:30 PM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

Ok clearly you need an intervention, I am here for you.

Get your pasties and garter belts and lets go!

10:49 PM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Susie - I rest my case.

M_D - oooh, I'll have to incorporate the frog in the blender for my next photo shoot.

Eclectic - yes *hangs head* it's true. No style, no shake.

Bekah - d'oh! I never could follow directions. And at my age, I'm afraid to drop stuff...it might now get back up agaiN!

Opera gal - ha! If I danced in my underwear, people would try to roll me back out to sea. ;)

Mr. B - okay, now after THAT little teaser, you know damn well you have to send Bone Machine over her to spill the beans.

Zombie - god, is that all it took to get a little undead action? Any interest in the pictures of me at the Hokey Pokey Fest?

Jess - wouldn't it hurt to wear pasties? I mean, wouldn't the hot meat and cheese burn the fuck outta one's titties?
Oh...PAY-sties, not PA-sties. Michigan girl, honest mistake.

11:03 PM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Love the robe. I must say, my first thought, just looking at the pix, before reading, was "Elaine!"

11:17 PM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger Zombie_Flyboy said...

I can't help it if your dancing is hot. It's just a fact of life.

You don't think I'm serious oh buckster of little faith???

Allow me to present exhibit A. (And for the kids at home, a stands for assless chaps, can you use that in a sentence boys and girls?

Please note the computer monitor in the top photo. Nothing unusual there correct? Correct. Let the record show that nothing is out of the ordinary here.

Exhibit B. (B stands for boobies boys and girls, can you use that in a sentence?)

I'd like to now direct your attention to the bottom photograph in the dance montage. Please note the distortion from heat waves in the air (generated by Bucky's supreme hotness, natch) and how much they affect the computer monitor.

This concludes my presentation your honor. There is no verdict to be found except for one.

Bucky's dancing is hotter than one of those red cheetos.

Court adjourned.

12:28 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Zombie_Flyboy said...

Oh, and about those Hokey Pokey pictures, I think you already know the answer to that question.

12:30 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Eclectic has already spoken my comment.

12:35 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger PlazaJen said...

I think if you upgrade the bathrobe to some sort of velvet? It will look much cooler. You can get by just shrugging & shimmying. Think Hugh Heffner, Bucky-Style..... ;)

7:29 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Since I dragged my disfigured form out of the woods for sex in the previous post, I shall boast just a bit in this one. Although I don't get very much practice now, back in the day, I was a pretty good dancer.
In fact, I once won a Major Award. At the Senior Prom, I was chosen by a member of the band to come up on stage for a dance-off with one other girl. I won the coveted title of Miss Brick House, for dancing to the song of the same name. It remains one of my proudest moments, yet I have never found a way to work that into my business card, nor even my resume.
Today, I would not win. Well, today, due to um, expansion, and the um, urban sprawl of my ass, I might be eligible for "Miss Brick Apartment Building," or "Miss Brick
ghetto-housing-project-that-ought-to-be-torn-down."

7:53 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger hellokittn said...

Maybe you could take some lessons from this guy. LOL.

The running man in a blender moves exhibited here are clearly a reasonable substitute for "dropping it like it's hawt." Good job, and get pasties with the little tassel berrys on them. Eccentuates your eyes.

7:59 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Susie - could I have picked a frumpier robe? I didn't care - I saw robes that came all the way down to my ankles and I pounced on that ugly fucker!

Zombie - good eye in your rotting head, dude! Yes, the heat did increase substantially during my Dance of Passion there. And I'll get right on those Hokey Pokey pictures for you.

SS Nick - so I take it you and I would never win a dance-off?

PlazaJen - I might just have to try that. I can shrug with the best of 'em. Do I have to smoke a pipe with the velvet robe?

Susie - Aaaaaah, so you got all the dancing genes, did you? Miss Brick House...why don't you incorporate THAT into your masthead?
And I'm sure urban sprawl can't have been that bad to the ol' brownstone, can it? ;)

Killer - Tassel berries? *writes it down*

8:55 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Let me second Susie's first comment here:
PWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA

and Eclectic cracked me up, with her whisperings...

From one midwestern white chick to another "Sis?! Is that you?!"
I can't *really* dance, but I've discovered if you wear a short skirt and dance on the bar, you don't really have to know what you're doing...

9:01 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger hemlock said...

Bekah...I agree whole heartedly.

And that robe is sweet! I think it's the perfect dancing ensemble!

9:02 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Effie said...

Teeheehee--I can't dance--at least not with anything that is current: I can dance a mean waltz, and a 2-step, some polkas and folk dances and I'm one mean schuhplattlerin (German folk dancing--I can even cha-cha a bit, chorus line stuff--not real regular dancing though....

9:04 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

RE: CK's comment, if you wear a long robe and dance on your blog, you don't really have to know what you're doing, either ;)

I wasn't being sarcastic about the robe, I really love it. That robe makes a statement. It says, "I am chillin', don't fuck with me." And really, is there a better statement for a robe to make?

9:20 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

CKelli - heh heh, do you dance like Elaine, too?
I don't know if it would be safe for me to stand still on a bar, much less attempt to dance.
And the short skirt thing? My vagina is far too scary for that sort of outfit.

LeafGirl - it's my sexiest outfit, right next to the grocery bag ensemble, which is too loud for dancing.

Effie - you're still way ahead of me. I can slow dance, and that's about it. Even the chicken dance is too complex for me.

Susie - my robe thanks you. It IS my chillin' uniform. And I was very chilly yesterday.

9:41 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger LadyBug said...

Okay, blahblahblah, dancing like Elaine, blahblah. The real question here is: What're those red things on your fingers? Band-Aids?

10:24 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

You’re damned right, Bucky: you and I would win no dance contest. I took a class in ballroom dancing in college and can do those “old fashioned” steps. However, the hip-hop slop you were attempting in those pictures is muck to me. (I once did a “moon walk” as part of a sermon; however, my sons pointed out that I appeared (1) as spastic as some of Steve Martin’s moves and (2) looked like a disjointed camel).

10:37 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

LadyBug - must be the way I fiddled with the contrast on these - no band-aids, certainly no red fingernails. Maybe you're seeing ladybugs on my hands? I'll take it as a good sign.

SS Nick - you...moonwalked...as part of a sermon?
No one is allowed to grade you on style in that context. They just all need to look on in wonder. ;)
And you still have one up on me, if you can do ballroom dancing. It looks fun, but I leave it to trained professionals...

10:39 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Not quite like Elaine, but I can line-dance. I like line-dancing quite a bit, actually. :)

Electric slide, anyone?

11:27 AM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

CKelli - I can't even line dance.

I am pitiful.

1:17 PM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Actually, that lost shot looks more like you're trying to type on a keyboard balanced on your knee...

You are NOT pitiful. You're *special*. ;)

1:32 PM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger SierraBella said...

I do my best dancing horizontally if-you-know-what-I-mean...

1:36 PM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Yes, Bucky dear, "Special."

1:39 PM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

The Gov't Mule story is a bit of a long one, so I will work on a post over at YPS!! and will send the link when it goes up. It's pretty much a classic and it was on that day that I became a card-carrying member of the Fraternal Order of Assholes. It was a hell of a hazing, but I rose to the occasion.

I'm an asshole and assholes don't sway.

1:48 PM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Not "lost shot", LAST SHOT -- last picture. That's what I meant.

1:51 PM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

This is the fastest YPS!! post I've ever fired up and with no proof-reading, it will most likely be more incoherent than usual. But in its raw state, here is the aforementioned tale:

http://yourpackagingsucks.blogspot.com/2005/11/infamous-govt-mule-story-aka-assholes.html

2:51 PM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

CKelli - I'm special! YES! Now I just wanna sing "Brass in Pocket"...I'm special, so special, I got to have some of your attention, give it to me.

Sierrabella - Bob Seger had you in mind, specifically, when he wrote "Horizontal Bop" - I just know it.

Susie - can I wear a helmet with a monkey sticker on it?

Bone Machine - that is an EXCELLENT story, and one that everyone should go read. And download the video of Elaine dancing. Me likey.

CKelli - oh, yeah, like I'm gonna dis somebody else's typing skills...
Pot? Kettle.

3:52 PM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

For what it's worth, Gov't Mule played the Ryman last night (I believe), but I didn't want to push my luck should the dude show up smuggling a firearm.

All in the name of self-perservation.

5:10 PM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger MilkMaid said...

Oh, hey, the white-girl-bobble rules!

5:59 PM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Stacie said...

I can't dance either...I think your brave for posting that on the internet! Stacie

9:02 PM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Bone Machine - well, that's good. We'd like to have you continue to be around and bring us plastic hippie reports.

MilkMaid - hahaha, that's the kindest label I've seen yet for my "dancing" style.

Stacie - brave or just bored and shameless? ;)

9:16 PM, November 17, 2005  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

More shameless promotion, but there is an event tomorrow that may remove me from this mortal coil. Read about the carnage at http://yourpackagingsucks.blogspot.com

2:35 PM, November 18, 2005  

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