the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Thursday, March 16, 2006

We want the spunk, gotta have the spunk

Anyone who has Gmail or Google AdSense can attest to the bizarre ads that certain posts or email conversations can generate based on their textual content. Not their sexual content, you sick fucks. Well, that too sometimes.

Sexual content. Does that mean you are content with sex, or does it mean how much sex one can hold at any given time? And just how would that be quantified? By the inch? Humidity index? Thrust-O-Meter? The NADSDAQ?

Anyway - today, in the course of an email conversation, I beheld an ad for Cheerleader Hairpieces. Now, what the fuck would that be? Wiglets made from the discarded body hair of girls with too much spunky spastic spirit for their own good? Or what if it's sprinkled with the remains of toppled pom-pom girls? Come on, we all know it happens more often than "They" tell us. Thanks, but I'd rather have bald patches.

But wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles, there just happened to be a link, a veritable wonderland of Cheerleader Hairpieces at my fingertips, and what kind of an asshole would pass up a chance for that kind of knowledge, the True Identity of the Hair in the Cheerleader Hairpieces? I could do an exposé on a mini-Geraldo scale. Score one for this past-freshness-date Harriet the Spy.

I followed the link. It was even scarier than anything I'd imagined.

Now, to be fair, I'm not exactly an expert on wigs. Aside from the infamous copper-colored plastic bouffant wigs of my youth, and the fifteen seconds I had on the pink wig at Halloween, I don't have much experience with fake hair; I've always had plenty of my own. But even an ignoranus such as this one could see hideous when it jumped off the page at me.

It's hairpieces, in cheerleader style, for cheerleaders. Cheerleaders who, obviously, don't have enough school spirit to just grow the hair themselves! I don't know about you, but it kinda leaves a bad taste in my mouth, like yesterday's jizz.

But it was all true. The page screamed at me:

IN STOCK NOW!

Our Popular Spiral Curl Ponytails

Easy SECURE attachment

No more rollers ever!

Why take all that time to set your hair and have it not stay?

Our pieces are Designed and manufactured for Cheerleaders . They attach by a draw string and competition flexible flat combs in about a minute - or you can sew them in.

They stay put.

See attachment section for more information.

Do you see that? You can sew them in. That's tantamount to saying "You can transplant school spirit, man, just nail it on!" Oh, hand me the fucking barf bucket before I sully the couch. And what the fuck is up with Spunk extension style? Let me show you the instructions and you tell me if you want your cheerleader doing this:
  • Spunk is wavy so curl your hair a little.Unless you already have a wave in your hair. (I thought spunk was just splattery)
  • Make ponytail with thin band. (So there's more room for spunk)
  • Slide Spunk over your ponytail. (See how they always manage to get the Spunk in your hair? Is that hair gel?)
  • Make 2 stiches attaching spunk to your ponytail holder on top. (I always thought Spunk was self attaching)
But really, people, even putting the Spunk aside, you can call 'em barrel curls, you can call 'em spiral pigtails, you can call 'em piggies pigtails, but they are all still turd curls, plain and simple.

But perhaps warning you with words just isn't enough. I suppose in this kind of an emergency - and make no mistake, in my little world, this constitutes a dire emergency that could only be topped by flaming ringlets - I must resort to visual shock tactics.

Are you ready?





Cover your eyes if you're squeamish.





Here goes.



School spirit

I can honestly say that I didn't feel any Spunkier after I'd sewn on the barrel piggies. This is all faked school spirit you see here. Rah-rah-sis-boom-fucking-bah.

So, who's with me? I'm not sure how it should be done, but the cheerleader hairpieces must be stopped. Maybe your wife doesn't really have orgasms, maybe your dog really doesn't like you, but do you really want your cheerleaders out there fakin' it while they're shakin' it?

22 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger eclectic said...

My wife fakes orgasm??

Bucky, that's just plain cruel.

12:01 AM, March 17, 2006  
Blogger Jim said...

That's ADORABLE. Now sing us a song about the Good Ship Lollipop, Shirl.

12:11 AM, March 17, 2006  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

“Sexual context”—sounds like the description of a couple of bookshelves in my library.

“Cheerleader Hairpieces”—I followed your link. I wish I hadn’t.

Bucky with the barrel piggies—don’t EVER do that again!

As for hair pieces, I have become somewhat of an expert, having spent more that $2,000.00 on long strands of real human hair shipped to the States from China. It seems my dear friend C had all of her waist-long hair chopped off by an ex-boyfriend several years ago while she was passed out. She’s been buying—or, should I say that I and a couple of other dudes have been buying it for her—this human hair stuff ever since and gluing it onto what is left of her real hair, which may never grow back because she cuts into the real stuff when she replaces the dead stuff which she does about once a month iof I can affors the $200.00 for more hair.

12:12 AM, March 17, 2006  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

Followed the site, left screaming with clumps of hair running behind me, chanting for me to join the cheerleader squad...
*shudders*
Thank God aquanet is so flammable!

1:07 AM, March 17, 2006  
Blogger Madame D said...

Oh dear lord above.
I'm with SSNick, don't EVER do that to your hair again.
I'm going to have nightmares tonight, I just know it.

3:04 AM, March 17, 2006  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

I clicked the link and then read the article. I was like WTF?!

6:55 AM, March 17, 2006  
Blogger Squirl said...

It's just plain skirry, Bucky. We don't want no more spunk. Nor do we want barrel piggies on Bucky.

Thanks for your public service message.

7:45 AM, March 17, 2006  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

LOL Bucky, I don't know what to say about this, except... Gawd, those little hairpieces make you look so fucking cheerful! :)

8:22 AM, March 17, 2006  
Blogger Jeffs place said...

My skoool was so rural I think there were some ringlets like that under the skirts.

8:42 AM, March 17, 2006  
Blogger hemlock said...

This post rocks. Sexual content. Fake cheerleader curls. Fake orgasms.

I couldn't ask for more.

8:45 AM, March 17, 2006  
Blogger Nina said...

Cheerleader Hairpieces that just isn't right. Another post about head today I see. ;)

9:31 AM, March 17, 2006  
Blogger Pissy Britches said...

Good god woman..that is some funny shit.
I have never in my everloving life seen some shit like that.
"made especially for cheerleaders"
WTF.
Bucky, I wanna see you with the real long one at the very bottom of the page...

10:41 AM, March 17, 2006  
Blogger Phoebe Fay said...

Holy Fuck! Shirley Temple is rolling over in her grave (and she's not even dead yet!) She's out there right now digging a grave, just so she can roll around in it.

10:51 AM, March 17, 2006  
Blogger OneCrueGirl said...

We got spirit, yes we do, we got spirit, how 'bout you!
*wild display of spirit fingers*

Gimme a B! Gimme a U! Gimme a C-K-Y! What's that spell??

It spells--please please please remove this link so perhaps we can save another from having their retinas burned with internet cheerleader spunk.

*jazz hands*

10:59 AM, March 17, 2006  
Blogger hellokittn said...

Oh sweet, thanks for the link. I was looking for some supplemental pubic hair while last night's freak shaving accident was healing.

The brotha's thank you!

11:21 AM, March 17, 2006  
Blogger The Kept Woman said...

I'm thinking, that picture...Christmas card material?

Anyway they use a lot of the spiral clip-on things for Irish dancing too. I always wanted to buy some in blonde and wear it out to a bar...kind incognito...

3:44 PM, March 17, 2006  
Blogger Michele in Michigan said...

OMFG--I just LOVED the picture with your new 'do! LOLOL

Girl, you ain't right (something my husband says about me regularly LOL)

3:44 PM, March 17, 2006  
Blogger Ghost of Goldwater said...

I have only one thing to say:

Merkin.

3:53 PM, March 17, 2006  
Blogger LadyBug said...

Maybe you'd feel spunkier if you attached those to your nipples?

5:37 PM, March 17, 2006  
Anonymous torrie said...

I scared. Hold me.

6:13 PM, March 17, 2006  
Blogger Susie said...

I've been trying to get in here all day, and then I see that Jim left my comment! Yea, when you post a pic like that, we need an audioblog of Good Ship Lollipop!

oh, phoebe fay, that's FUNNY!

Oh, I'm on drugs, I shouldn't come up in here:
To Shirley:
I ain't sayin' she a grave digga . . .

8:51 PM, March 17, 2006  
Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

Can you tap dance, too?

12:19 PM, March 18, 2006  

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