We want the spunk, gotta have the spunk

Anyone who has Gmail or Google AdSense can attest to the bizarre ads that certain posts or email conversations can generate based on their textual content. Not their sexual content, you sick fucks. Well, that too sometimes.

Sexual content. Does that mean you are content with sex, or does it mean how much sex one can hold at any given time? And just how would that be quantified? By the inch? Humidity index? Thrust-O-Meter? The NADSDAQ?

Anyway - today, in the course of an email conversation, I beheld an ad for Cheerleader Hairpieces. Now, what the fuck would that be? Wiglets made from the discarded body hair of girls with too much spunky spastic spirit for their own good? Or what if it's sprinkled with the remains of toppled pom-pom girls? Come on, we all know it happens more often than "They" tell us. Thanks, but I'd rather have bald patches.

But wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles, there just happened to be a link, a veritable wonderland of Cheerleader Hairpieces at my fingertips, and what kind of an asshole would pass up a chance for that kind of knowledge, the True Identity of the Hair in the Cheerleader Hairpieces? I could do an exposé on a mini-Geraldo scale. Score one for this past-freshness-date Harriet the Spy.

I followed the link. It was even scarier than anything I'd imagined.

Now, to be fair, I'm not exactly an expert on wigs. Aside from the infamous copper-colored plastic bouffant wigs of my youth, and the fifteen seconds I had on the pink wig at Halloween, I don't have much experience with fake hair; I've always had plenty of my own. But even an ignoranus such as this one could see hideous when it jumped off the page at me.

It's hairpieces, in cheerleader style, for cheerleaders. Cheerleaders who, obviously, don't have enough school spirit to just grow the hair themselves! I don't know about you, but it kinda leaves a bad taste in my mouth, like yesterday's jizz.

But it was all true. The page screamed at me:

IN STOCK NOW!

Our Popular Spiral Curl Ponytails

Easy SECURE attachment

No more rollers ever!

Why take all that time to set your hair and have it not stay?

Our pieces are Designed and manufactured for Cheerleaders . They attach by a draw string and competition flexible flat combs in about a minute - or you can sew them in.

They stay put.

See attachment section for more information.

Do you see that? You can sew them in. That's tantamount to saying "You can transplant school spirit, man, just nail it on!" Oh, hand me the fucking barf bucket before I sully the couch. And what the fuck is up with Spunk extension style? Let me show you the instructions and you tell me if you want your cheerleader doing this:

• Spunk is wavy so curl your hair a little.Unless you already have a wave in your hair. (I thought spunk was just splattery)
  
• Make ponytail with thin band. (So there's more room for spunk)
  
• Slide Spunk over your ponytail. (See how they always manage to get the Spunk in your hair? Is that hair gel?)
  
• Make 2 stiches attaching spunk to your ponytail holder on top. (I always thought Spunk was self attaching)

But really, people, even putting the Spunk aside, you can call 'em barrel curls, you can call 'em spiral pigtails, you can call 'em piggies pigtails, but they are all still turd curls, plain and simple.

But perhaps warning you with words just isn't enough. I suppose in this kind of an emergency - and make no mistake, in my little world, this constitutes a dire emergency that could only be topped by flaming ringlets - I must resort to visual shock tactics.

Are you ready?





Cover your eyes if you're squeamish.





Here goes.





I can honestly say that I didn't feel any Spunkier after I'd sewn on the barrel piggies. This is all faked school spirit you see here. Rah-rah-sis-boom-fucking-bah.

So, who's with me? I'm not sure how it should be done, but the cheerleader hairpieces must be stopped. Maybe your wife doesn't really have orgasms, maybe your dog really doesn't like you, but do you really want your cheerleaders out there fakin' it while they're shakin' it?