Find her finer, sneak up behind her, wrapped like a mummy 'til you finally unwind her

Oh, yeah - it's time for another all-out round of "What Search Terms Did You Sick Fuckers Use to Find My Blog?"

Of course, people continue to find me daily with terms like "labia," "butt plug" and "kielbasa queen," but they also manage to surprise me once in a while.


spider monkey butt...Sorry, he's only a cat who looks like a spider monkey. Go spank your monkey somewhere else.

tiny fuck...What's tiny about it? The time spent fucking? The size of the genitals used? Are we talking about further eroticizing Hobbits?

figurines erotic...That's just plain wrong. Unless you mean my Girls of Sin City collection, then you're spot on. Well, okay...the Spiderman Mr. Potato Head is pretty sexy, too.

dick fuck...Now dick tired.

peepee porn...The older I get, the more I urinate. Do you think I could turn it into some kind of career?

giant fo shizzle...I'm not even sure what that means, but it's got a nice ring to it.

how to photoshop jizz...When you can't be bothered to make real jizz. Actually, you don't really have to use Photoshop to get fake jizz; just leave a bottle of shampoo on the counter, let your cat knock it over, and voila! You have fake jizz all over the bathroom sink.

greasy urine...Frighteningly enough, this is not a new search term; in fact, I see it with almost as much regularity as "kielbasa queen" shows up in my searches. Why is it greasy, and why are so many people interested in reading about it?

hermione's boobs and vagina...Sorry, I'm not in possession of those. Anyway, the only Hermione I know has teats, not boobs.

ass tonguers...For the anus craver in you.

punished husband...Isn't that redundant?

bondage diagrams...For those knots they didn't teach you in Boy Scouts.

gumby's mom...has got it goin' on.

skirted schoolgirl boys...I hope they're little plaid skirts. With saddle oxfords.

mom lets me dress as a girl...Well, she tried, anyway.

pussy haters...Is this like the updated He-Man Women Haters Club?

sunburned tits...They smell just like bacon.

penis fish...Poor penis fish. His wife won't put out, and now he's got a bad case of blue gills. Or am I getting that wrong? Is it, perhaps, fishing for penis? What would you use for bait - vagina-dipped worms?

flintstones smut...Yabba Dabba Do Me!

labia play...in three acts.

granny anus...and grampaw Scrotum.

schlong pics...I've told you over and over again that I do not have a penis, and yet you keep coming here looking for it. That's it - I'll be over to your house later with a 12" strapon. So much for the "alleged" schlong; I will leave you with granny anus.

ass and vagina shifter ride...Sorry, but I like my ass and vagina right where they are. However, if you can do something about shifting my boobs higher, call me.

moving eye in asshole...Note to self: make sure things are dead before swallowing.

"grandma grabbed" "my penis"...then she got run over by a reindeer. Only now we don't feel so bad about it, seeing as she still had your penis in her hand.

cat butt plug...Again, I'm unclear; is this a butt plug meant to be inserted in the cat's ass, or is it using a cat as a butt plug? If it's the latter, I'm here to tell you that there will be some resistance.

"feet behind my head"...unfortunately, they're my own.

vagina look likes...You mean a genital substitute? Pussy Helper?

win a tampon...I don't even want to know what the loser gets.

pictures of dirty tampons...Is that what the loser gets?

dirty cat ass...Yeah, 'cause you didn't use that cat butt plug. Duh!

"chia penis"...When you want to disguise your sex toys as houseplants.

the name is rocket man not red rocket!!...Wow, how emphatic. The way I heard it, Elton John is a Red Rocket Man.

jizz be gone...Jizz be nimble, jizz be quick; shoot some over the candlestick.

girl having sex with a cat...I sure as hell hope it's declawed.

vagina-fisting...Sorry, I can't today - I'm far too busy putting a 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew up my ass.

jizz on my shizzle...You know, this sounds like a dream I had this one time...um, never mind.

electric prods cunts...That'll get those darned lazy cunts moving!

bleached anus pics...because why shouldn't my anus shine like my teeth?

big ol' titty...Just the one? I really do prefer them in pairs.

broken penis...Don't know my own strength!

caught jacking off...That's not true. It was an itch, goddammit!

"big butt" muffled...We never heard it until it was too late.

i want to fuck kelly monaco...Yeah, take a number. I was in line waaaaay before you.

"trailer park" "boobs"...I haven't seen any yet.

piss in a bottle...So much tastier than piss in a can.

not disgusting pictures please...I'm not sure at all how this brought them to my site. Something must be wrong with the search engine.

slut spit on my food...but that'll cost you extra.

fucky fucky...that'll cost you more than just sucky sucky.

"bear in a bee suit"...Now that's my kinda kinky.

bucky back mountain...just as gay, but with less dick.

long labia...How long were they? When she dropped her pants, the kids thought they'd gone to Fruit Rollup heaven.

mummy penis photo...I heard this very muffled voice saying, "Shrinkage! It's shrinkage!"