the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Bravo for a fever

What, exactly, does the phrase "under the weather" have to do with being sick? Really, aren't we kind of always under the weather, unless we're flying in a plane over the clouds? Anyway, linguistic arguments aside, I've felt like ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag for the last couple of days, and have spent an inordinate amount of time in front of the television.

Not just any television, mind you: Bravo TV. I'm addicted to Bravo's reality shows. Did you know that Bravo often runs marathons of their own shows during the day? Well, I know it pretty well now. I've sat through hours of The Real Housewives of Orange County, which is a way for middle-class folks to feel better about ourselves when we see these spoiled, privileged, rich bitches and their brain-dead offspring acting like the nincompoops that they really are. My favorite quote of the day, from the idiotic lips of one of the rich offspring, said to a girl visiting from Ontario: "Do you speak Canadian?"

The shows that really get me, though, are their competition shows. I got hooked on Top Chef about halfway through the first season, and came in on Project Runway when they started their season three. Yesterday, I'm only slightly ashamed to admit that I spent the entire day in front of Project Runway reruns from the seasons I missed. I more or less watched those all day until this week's PR was shown last night, and was so disinclined to move that I watched it yet again immediately afterward (they usually run the new episode twice in a row on Wednesday night). Then, just when I thought I was going to move from the couch onto my bed, they popped up with an early showing of the Top Chef holiday special, where chefs from all three seasons come back to compete for a one-off cash prize for the night.

After all that, I figured I'd just pass out in bed and the next thing I know, it would be morning. But between the Bravo overload and the slight fever I was running, my mind went on overdrive and I had weird, vivid dreams all night. It's been a while since I've dreamed so much that I can actually remember in detail upon awakening. To begin the night, I was a Top Chef contestant who was packing to go home because I'd been eliminated, but couldn't manage to get all my stuff down to the car. Every time I'd think I was ready, I'd remember more shit that I'd left up in my room, and I always had to take the stairs to get back up there. Once I finally got all my stuff out of the room, I tore out of there in my car and proceeded to drive the wrong way down the highway while the hotel clerks shouted warnings at me. After I woke up and fell back into a mildly disturbed slumber, I dreamt that Molly and I were coming out of a museum and heading to our car, and then we saw a van bearing down on us, obviously intending to squash us like bugs. So she grabbed my hand and took off running, around cars, and most impressively, right over top of a parked car. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up her pace and let go of her hand so she could get away, but luckily, I woke up before the van was able to turn me into a tard pancake. In my next set of dreams, I was staying at the Parker Hotel in Palm Springs (Bravo actually did a short series about them, but I hadn't seen any reruns of it recently, so I don't know what brought that on). My old calico, Nudgie, was there, but she belonged to someone else (apparently, I'd given her to them...you know that had to be a dream). I found out that they'd let her escape outside, so once I was able to chase her down and catch her, I told her she was coming home with me (which is quite a feat, considering that she's been dead for years). But then I realized that Friday was missing, and I was frantically running around, asking everyone "Where's Friday? Where the fuck is Friday?" but it was one of those dreams where you're on the verge of busting a vein and everyone around you is totally indifferent to your panic. I raced outside to find him, and in my dream, I woke up and realized it had been a dream. While I was still dreaming. You'd better believe I went and found Friday as soon as I actually woke up.

How come I can't get sick and have completely realistic sex dreams? It's what I think of 90% of the time, so you'd think that would carry over. All that Project Runway, all that Top Chef, and no Heidi Klum, no Padma Lakshmi? What the fuck, people? Truthfully, I'm not sure I want to go to sleep tonight. I'm stepping away from Bravo now. Anybody wanna come over and play Uno Attack all night?

9 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Susie said...

Ohmygosh. Last night in my dreams, among other things, my family was caught in a tsunami. Like the big one. HORRIBLE.

And I LOVE Project Runway. I, too, have watched it for HOURS. Was it the second season, that guy who did a dead-on impression of Tim Gunn? LOVED HIM. And I think it was the same season, when the black girl couldn't decided which model she wanted to use, so she asked that three of them walk for her, and the cute, curly-haired guy who was like, third runner-up in the end says, "It's a MOTHER-FUCKING WALK-OFF!" That amuses me no end; where can I use that?

I hope the weather gets under you soon.

9:07 AM, December 07, 2007  
Blogger Squirl said...

Hope you're feeling better now. It certainly hasn't stopped your sense of humor.

9:18 AM, December 07, 2007  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

I'll confess to never ever watching Bravo. Ever.

Oh, and if you're looking for Friday, it's here. ;)

I hope you're feeling better soon, Bucky. It's around this time of year that I seriously start looking for a legitimate reason to park myself in front of the television and not have to do anything.

9:28 AM, December 07, 2007  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Susie - No more dreams like that, y'hear? It must've been bad dream week or something.
I haven't seen as much of PR season 2 as I've seen of the other seasons, but yes, that IS the season with the "MOTHER-FUCKING WALK-OFF!" I say you can use it in any situation. Say, around the Christmas tree?

Squirl - Thanks! Pizza and General Hospital were a good salve last night.

CKelli - After I wrote that, I wondered if a new person wandering in here and reading it would think I'd misplaced a day of the week and not a neat little tuxie cat. Trust me, I'd rather misplace the day.

2:26 PM, December 07, 2007  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Oh, and Susie, I missed the Tim Gunn impression from season 2, but one of the guys from the current season did a spot-on impression of Tim last week. "Designers, I'm here to tell you that you're SCREWED."

If Friday were a person, I'm convinced he would be Tim Gunn.

2:27 PM, December 07, 2007  
Blogger Susie said...

I love Tim Gunn.

So you're saying, like, I could invite people to a holiday open house, but put on the card, "It's a MOTHERFUCKING WALK-OFF!!"? Sweet.

4:36 PM, December 07, 2007  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Perhaps I’m off-target, but I can’t comprehend how any, mature, intelligent, sane person can become addicted to reality TV.

Oh…now I understand.

I hope you’re out from under the weather soon, Buckykins—and have some realistic sex dreams again.

5:01 PM, December 08, 2007  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

I also love Bravo and Real Housewives, but I always wonder where are all of the lesbians in Orange County? I never seen em.

10:17 PM, December 09, 2007  
Blogger Kimblahg said...

I had a dream the other night that Amy Winehouse was a judge on the Project Runway where I just happened to be a contestant. She voted me out and then tried to kill me. Too much Bravo and gossip sites for me.

1:59 AM, December 17, 2007  

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