Sally can't dance - and neither can I
It often amuses me that I'm such a fan of danceable music, especially funk, yet I couldn't dance my way out of a wet paper bag with a map and foot diagrams. When I tell people this, they invariably say, "Oh, of course you can dance; everybody can dance. You just have to relax and throw yourself into it."
Sure, that would be nice. I've always been envious of people who can dance, even the people who don't do it well. It looks like a lot of fun. It's not that I've never tried - fuck, I even earned myself a nickname for my beer-fueled dancefloor antics.
But for those of you who don't believe me, I offer shocking photographic evidence of my complete lack of the dance gene. I'm told these shots are a thumb-jerk away from being Elaine on Seinfeld. This ain't gonna be pretty.
When the pimp's in the crib, ma...
Drop it like it's hot...
Drop it like it's hot...
Drop it like it's hot...
Sure, that would be nice. I've always been envious of people who can dance, even the people who don't do it well. It looks like a lot of fun. It's not that I've never tried - fuck, I even earned myself a nickname for my beer-fueled dancefloor antics.
But for those of you who don't believe me, I offer shocking photographic evidence of my complete lack of the dance gene. I'm told these shots are a thumb-jerk away from being Elaine on Seinfeld. This ain't gonna be pretty.
When the pimp's in the crib, ma...
Drop it like it's hot...
Drop it like it's hot...
Drop it like it's hot...
Katy Barzedor proclaimed this to be so at 8:24 PM
34 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':
Well. PWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA
We dance the same way, almost.
I do the "retarded frog in blender" move.
Needless to say, I dance a lot.
The annoyance of others = my personal amusement
So, um, what you're really saying here is that ***whispering*** you're White and from the MidWest. ***stop whispering*** Is that it?
Well, your problem is that you're not doing what the song is telling you to - you're not DROPPING!
It's not "knee it like it's hot."
If you just followed the directions, you'd be golden.
and maybe, just maybe losing the bathrobe - if you danced in your underwear no one would notice that you can't dance well at all!
:)
but yeah - that whole "white from the Midwest?" Right back at cha.
Hey Bucky. Ask Bone Machine about his run-in with Elaine Chewbacca some time. It was a heck of a night and it took place in the Grand Ole Opry. It doesn't get much betta.
Bucky, I can honestly say, that I've never been more turned on that I am right now.
Raaaaawwwwwwwrrrrrrr!
Ok clearly you need an intervention, I am here for you.
Get your pasties and garter belts and lets go!
Susie - I rest my case.
M_D - oooh, I'll have to incorporate the frog in the blender for my next photo shoot.
Eclectic - yes *hangs head* it's true. No style, no shake.
Bekah - d'oh! I never could follow directions. And at my age, I'm afraid to drop stuff...it might now get back up agaiN!
Opera gal - ha! If I danced in my underwear, people would try to roll me back out to sea. ;)
Mr. B - okay, now after THAT little teaser, you know damn well you have to send Bone Machine over her to spill the beans.
Zombie - god, is that all it took to get a little undead action? Any interest in the pictures of me at the Hokey Pokey Fest?
Jess - wouldn't it hurt to wear pasties? I mean, wouldn't the hot meat and cheese burn the fuck outta one's titties?
Oh...PAY-sties, not PA-sties. Michigan girl, honest mistake.
Love the robe. I must say, my first thought, just looking at the pix, before reading, was "Elaine!"
I can't help it if your dancing is hot. It's just a fact of life.
You don't think I'm serious oh buckster of little faith???
Allow me to present exhibit A. (And for the kids at home, a stands for assless chaps, can you use that in a sentence boys and girls?
Please note the computer monitor in the top photo. Nothing unusual there correct? Correct. Let the record show that nothing is out of the ordinary here.
Exhibit B. (B stands for boobies boys and girls, can you use that in a sentence?)
I'd like to now direct your attention to the bottom photograph in the dance montage. Please note the distortion from heat waves in the air (generated by Bucky's supreme hotness, natch) and how much they affect the computer monitor.
This concludes my presentation your honor. There is no verdict to be found except for one.
Bucky's dancing is hotter than one of those red cheetos.
Court adjourned.
Oh, and about those Hokey Pokey pictures, I think you already know the answer to that question.
Eclectic has already spoken my comment.
I think if you upgrade the bathrobe to some sort of velvet? It will look much cooler. You can get by just shrugging & shimmying. Think Hugh Heffner, Bucky-Style..... ;)
Since I dragged my disfigured form out of the woods for sex in the previous post, I shall boast just a bit in this one. Although I don't get very much practice now, back in the day, I was a pretty good dancer.
In fact, I once won a Major Award. At the Senior Prom, I was chosen by a member of the band to come up on stage for a dance-off with one other girl. I won the coveted title of Miss Brick House, for dancing to the song of the same name. It remains one of my proudest moments, yet I have never found a way to work that into my business card, nor even my resume.
Today, I would not win. Well, today, due to um, expansion, and the um, urban sprawl of my ass, I might be eligible for "Miss Brick Apartment Building," or "Miss Brick
ghetto-housing-project-that-ought-to-be-torn-down."
Susie - could I have picked a frumpier robe? I didn't care - I saw robes that came all the way down to my ankles and I pounced on that ugly fucker!
Zombie - good eye in your rotting head, dude! Yes, the heat did increase substantially during my Dance of Passion there. And I'll get right on those Hokey Pokey pictures for you.
SS Nick - so I take it you and I would never win a dance-off?
PlazaJen - I might just have to try that. I can shrug with the best of 'em. Do I have to smoke a pipe with the velvet robe?
Susie - Aaaaaah, so you got all the dancing genes, did you? Miss Brick House...why don't you incorporate THAT into your masthead?
And I'm sure urban sprawl can't have been that bad to the ol' brownstone, can it? ;)
Killer - Tassel berries? *writes it down*
Let me second Susie's first comment here:
PWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA
and Eclectic cracked me up, with her whisperings...
From one midwestern white chick to another "Sis?! Is that you?!"
I can't *really* dance, but I've discovered if you wear a short skirt and dance on the bar, you don't really have to know what you're doing...
Bekah...I agree whole heartedly.
And that robe is sweet! I think it's the perfect dancing ensemble!
Teeheehee--I can't dance--at least not with anything that is current: I can dance a mean waltz, and a 2-step, some polkas and folk dances and I'm one mean schuhplattlerin (German folk dancing--I can even cha-cha a bit, chorus line stuff--not real regular dancing though....
RE: CK's comment, if you wear a long robe and dance on your blog, you don't really have to know what you're doing, either ;)
I wasn't being sarcastic about the robe, I really love it. That robe makes a statement. It says, "I am chillin', don't fuck with me." And really, is there a better statement for a robe to make?
CKelli - heh heh, do you dance like Elaine, too?
I don't know if it would be safe for me to stand still on a bar, much less attempt to dance.
And the short skirt thing? My vagina is far too scary for that sort of outfit.
LeafGirl - it's my sexiest outfit, right next to the grocery bag ensemble, which is too loud for dancing.
Effie - you're still way ahead of me. I can slow dance, and that's about it. Even the chicken dance is too complex for me.
Susie - my robe thanks you. It IS my chillin' uniform. And I was very chilly yesterday.
Okay, blahblahblah, dancing like Elaine, blahblah. The real question here is: What're those red things on your fingers? Band-Aids?
You’re damned right, Bucky: you and I would win no dance contest. I took a class in ballroom dancing in college and can do those “old fashioned” steps. However, the hip-hop slop you were attempting in those pictures is muck to me. (I once did a “moon walk” as part of a sermon; however, my sons pointed out that I appeared (1) as spastic as some of Steve Martin’s moves and (2) looked like a disjointed camel).
LadyBug - must be the way I fiddled with the contrast on these - no band-aids, certainly no red fingernails. Maybe you're seeing ladybugs on my hands? I'll take it as a good sign.
SS Nick - you...moonwalked...as part of a sermon?
No one is allowed to grade you on style in that context. They just all need to look on in wonder. ;)
And you still have one up on me, if you can do ballroom dancing. It looks fun, but I leave it to trained professionals...
Not quite like Elaine, but I can line-dance. I like line-dancing quite a bit, actually. :)
Electric slide, anyone?
CKelli - I can't even line dance.
I am pitiful.
Actually, that lost shot looks more like you're trying to type on a keyboard balanced on your knee...
You are NOT pitiful. You're *special*. ;)
I do my best dancing horizontally if-you-know-what-I-mean...
Yes, Bucky dear, "Special."
Not "lost shot", LAST SHOT -- last picture. That's what I meant.
CKelli - I'm special! YES! Now I just wanna sing "Brass in Pocket"...I'm special, so special, I got to have some of your attention, give it to me.
Sierrabella - Bob Seger had you in mind, specifically, when he wrote "Horizontal Bop" - I just know it.
Susie - can I wear a helmet with a monkey sticker on it?
Bone Machine - that is an EXCELLENT story, and one that everyone should go read. And download the video of Elaine dancing. Me likey.
CKelli - oh, yeah, like I'm gonna dis somebody else's typing skills...
Pot? Kettle.
Oh, hey, the white-girl-bobble rules!
I can't dance either...I think your brave for posting that on the internet! Stacie
Bone Machine - well, that's good. We'd like to have you continue to be around and bring us plastic hippie reports.
MilkMaid - hahaha, that's the kindest label I've seen yet for my "dancing" style.
Stacie - brave or just bored and shameless? ;)
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