the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

When it comes to huge openings, a lot of people think of me.

Today, I'd like to talk about cocksuckers.

There will be two distinct categories of cocksuckers: those who are actually sucking cock and who will not take this as an insult, and those who are just cocksuckers because they're hateful, and are called cocksuckers because that is something else they would hate.

Let's start with the hateful noncocksucking cocksuckers first.

Unbeknownst to me, disciples of the wretched, hateful, and syphillis-covered Fred Phelps were right around the corner from me yesterday afternoon. In case you hadn't been scarred by the knowledge yet, Fred Phelps runs a "church" in Topeka Kansas (Westboro Baptist Church, home of the hateful noncocksucking cocksuckers) which specializes in hate hate hate, all in the name of God. The "church" is mostly made up of his extended, in all probability inbred, family. Why would these soulless, inbred, chicken fucking, noncocksucking cocksuckers be in my neighborhood, you ask? Why, to stand across the street from a church and protest the funeral of an American soldier.

Yeah, I said they were protesting the funeral of an American soldier. Apparently, these inbred noncocksucking cocksuckers have nothing better to do than travel the country and protest soldiers' funerals, and to stomp on American flags, and to hold up charming signs like these:


Why do I get the feeling that this is not what Jesus had in mind at all?

And why would the inbred, noncocksucking cocksuckers feel the need to protest the funerals of American soldiers, and to remind us all that God hates us? Why, because we live in a country that caters to and coddles homosexuals (in other words, allows them to continue breathing). Because, you know, it's the fags that are destroying America, with their brokeback leather, and their toned, well-oiled bodies, and their evil neighborhood gentrification schemes.

I saw this on the news when I got in from work yesterday afternoon, and you can't imagine the hissy fit I threw when I realized that these inbred, noncocksucking cocksuckers were right around the corner and I had completely missed the opportunity to drive past and heave a shit-filled diaper at them. Or give them a puppet show with Quasimodo offering his big, blue Play-Doh dick to the Gargoyle. Or park behind them, open my car windows, and sing Somewhere Over the Rainbow in falsetto until their brains melted and their bodies fell limp, no more evil instructions to perform, their carcasses nothing more than smoked sausages under their spiteful placards.

Come on, people. Even a sick fuck like me has a threshold where I feel like basic human decency has been violated. I believe in freedom of speech - look at the bullshit I write here every day! - but protesting a funeral, especially the funeral of a soldier who had nothing at all to do with the issue stuck like a burr under these noncocksucking cocksuckers' saddles, makes even a four-eyed libertine freak like me say "Shame on you!" Whatever your politics, whatever your religious beliefs, to attempt the disruption of a funeral for someone who did you no harm is just an awful, pointless display of hate that I cannot fathom.

Really, when I see people like this, it just makes me feel really bad for my Christian friends, all of whom I believe are what I would consider real Christians (you know, all that loving your neighbor crap that pansy-lovers like me go for). Don't think that I believe these people represent you, because I DO NOT. So, hugs to you guys. I know y'all get it.

Alrighty, then. Stepping back now, and amusing the fuck outta myself by posting about another subject Fred Phelps would likely despise. Rubbing my hands together with childish delight. And on a side note, how does this make me any different from my dear mother, who regularly fires off sassy liberal letters to the editors of several local papers? I'm turning into my mother, right in front of the Internet as a Whole! Beware, as the flowery descriptions for animal body parts shall commence soon. I would explain that last remark, but really - it deserves its own post.

On to lighter, fluffier matters. Like whipped cream for the eyes. Or something. Anyway, here are the cocksuckers who smile while they do it!

Sometimes I see a movie or TV show that I like while I'm watching it, but then the more I think about it, the more I begin to love the movie or show, and then before I know it, I am obsessed (let's save my childhood obsession with Broadway musicals for another post, m'kay?).

I knew this had happened to me the day I held a serious half-hour conversation about the motivations of the characters on The Sopranos, found it had happened when I began to speculate about what might occur next on General Hospital, and I just realized it has happened to me again as I listen to this damn song about a wig for the 25,372nd time.

It's true. I have the biggest crush in the world on Hedwig, angry inch or no.

"I scraped by with baby-sitting gigs and odd jobs - mostly the jobs we call blow."

If you are like I was until just recently, and you haven't seen Hedwig and the Angry Inch, stop reading this and go rent it. Right now. And if you are one of those people who will immediately counter with "Waaaaaah, I don't like musicals, and I don't like movies about fags!" then you should go away now and not come back here. Especially for this post, because from now on, this post is all about musical fags.

It's not like this is a new show, and plenty has already been said (better) about it. But I saw it for the first time recently, and I have to tell you - I can't believe I missed out on it until now. So much time, Hedwig, that you and I did not have together. Not to give too much away, it's a story about a sex change gone horribly...well, nowhere distinctly male or female. Hence, the "angry inch." It's also a story of trust and betrayal, and it's sidesplittingly hilarious, and it's weird, and it has some killer songs (it was originally a stage show, but I have only seen the movie), and it is just wrong on so many levels.

I just can't count the ways I love this movie. Watching his East German mother throw his American GI father out, yelling "That's focked op! That's focked op!" or the whole oven bit (I would love to say more, but it's even funnier when it's a surprise), the picture of Luther in the trailer, having my suspicion confirmed that putting a bra in the dryer warps it...and when Hedwig utters the line I used as the title for this post, I knew we were kindred spirits.

More fabulous than Fred Phelps? Survey says....ding ding ding ding!

And how, I ask you, how exactly am I supposed to resist a show where Hedwig's (small) band of devotees wear foam wigs in Hedwig's honor?

I really need to have one of these. Kitschy kitschy ya ya da da.

I went to iTunes earlier this week and downloaded a couple of songs from the show, and I'm sure the guys in the office across from mine would really like to come over and slap me right off my chair if they have to hear Wicked Little Town or Wig in a Box one more fucking time.

Sorry guys, but that wig is a character all in itself, and I will hear its praises sung, over and over and over and over...

Here, give it a listen. It starts out slow, but give it a second, it builds up steam. Guaranteed you'll catch yourself later humming "I put on some makeup, turn on the eight track..." You will love me or hate me for it, but it will stick in your head.

29 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Squirl said...

I have this song on my desktop, ha ha! I love that kind of cocksucker. It's the other kind I can't stand.

8:41 PM, March 07, 2006  
Blogger hemlock said...

That is a catchy tune.

I've never heard of this movie, but it sounds great.

And yeah, those other cocksuckers can fuck right off. Hate-filled pricks.

8:55 PM, March 07, 2006  
Blogger Pissy Britches said...

That is niiiice.

Stupid fucking cocksucking motherfucking cocksuckers. taught.
Somebody should take that sign that says God Hates You and pick them both up and run um thru the chipper shredder.

9:55 PM, March 07, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

Bucky, here’s what happened in your state of origen when the Legislature passed bills limiting the protests of members of members of the Topeka Kansas Westboro Baptist Church:

FRANKFORT, Ky. Feb 8, 2006- One woman draped an upside-down U.S. flag around her waist, while other demonstrators balled-up an Old Glory and kicked it around in a circle.

They were among seven members of a Kansas church who protested on the Kentucky Capitol's front steps Wednesday, but a group of anti-protesters carrying flags and signs of their own outnumbered them nearly 10 to 1.

"It's shameful," shouted American Legion member Tim Flynn, his hands trembling.

Members of the Westboro Baptist Church were at the Capitol protesting bills state lawmakers passed on Monday that would limit their protests at funerals and other memorial services.

Margie Phelps, a church member who led the protest, said the proposed bills brought them to the statehouse.

"You can tell the Kentucky Taliban they can't pass enough laws to shut us up," Phelps shouted.

Church members, largely the extended family of the Rev. Fred Phelps, have toured the country protesting at the funerals of U.S. soldiers. They see their deaths as a sign that God is punishing American for its tolerance of gays. They also protested at the funerals of dead coal miners in West Virginia last month.

Kentucky's House and Senate have each passed bills that would limit people from protesting inside 300 feet of a funeral or memorial service. The Senate version, pending in the House, would also keep protesters from being within earshot of grieving friends and family members.

10:48 PM, March 07, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

I LOVE THIS MOVIE. My favorite songs from the album are:

Origins of Love
Wig In A Box
Sugar Daddy

Oh man, what a great show.

And Phred Felps can suck it.

10:49 PM, March 07, 2006  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

Fred Phelps is wrong.
So terribly wrong.
People like him make me queasy.
No, I think think this was what Jesus had in mind...

Now, about this movie: I wanna watch this. Looks cool! :o)

10:55 PM, March 07, 2006  
Blogger eclectic said...

Hedwig!!! I've heard of it, but never have actually seen it. I shall take your most excellent advice and rent it this coming weekend.

As for the other, it is despicable even for hate mongers to disrupt a funeral service. For shame!

11:36 PM, March 07, 2006  
Blogger Opera Gal said...

Fred Phelps is a MAJOR freak - he has shown up in my old neighborhood before.

11:37 PM, March 07, 2006  
Blogger Madame D said...

I made my neighbor watch Hedwig about 3 years ago.
I love the part where they kick out the side of the trailer.
Thank you for reminding me of this!

On the other kind-um, how do they know that god hates me? I've often wondered. Wouldn't he just send me an email? Or a burning bush-o-gram?

2:20 AM, March 08, 2006  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

I don't watch movies nearly as often as I used to, but for this one I can say: Saw it ages ago, loved it. You should all check it out if you haven't.

7:18 AM, March 08, 2006  
Blogger PlazaJen said...

Hedwig: in my Netflix Queue. Must move up to top.
Fred Phelps: Not worth the air he breathes. He lives for attention, much like that miserable little fuck in fifth grade who puts gum in your hair, or a tack on your chair. Eventually, I am comforted to think, he will die. And I hope the streets are lined with people carrying signs that say, "YAY!"

8:36 AM, March 08, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

Sorry, Bucky, I can't risk another song getting stuck in my head just now... My brain is battling with "I'm the only one" and "SuperFreak" at the moment...

9:30 AM, March 08, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

Oh, and yeah, I wish you would have seen those noncocksucking cocksuckers in person and given them what for!

9:31 AM, March 08, 2006  
Blogger Phoebe Fay said...

Oh for the chance to see those FredPhelpianFreaks up close. I'd become a lesbian on the spot just to piss them off. The only problem is that giving them a reaction is giving precisely what they want, the creepy inbred mofos.

As for Hedwig - awesome movie. Totally agree.

10:17 AM, March 08, 2006  
Blogger Amy said...

Did you ever see The Laramie Project? When the good guys came with angel costumes on and their huge wings covered all the hateful signs. Wish they were there to do some angelic ass kickin with those funeral protestors.

1:36 PM, March 08, 2006  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Squirl - I wish I'd known they were there - I'd have driven up behind them and played "Wig in a Box" for them. Loudly. And with dancing.

LeafGirl - If only I'd had my chance with the hate-filled pricks. I don't normally like confrontation, but I'd have gladly plowed right into it with these morons.

Pissy - I can't think of a better use for the chipper shredder.

SS Nick - why is it that groups that are so Talibanesque feel the need to label their opposition with that smear? Fred Phelps is every bit the mental mutant that Osama bin Laden is; Fred's followers just aren't poor and hungry enough to volunteer for suicide missions. There's the difference.

Jim - I think Fred Phelps would like very much to suck it, and this is why he has such a big problem.
And Hedwig rules the world.

M_D - your time will not be wasted if you rent Hedwig. You may, indeed, pee yourself.

Eclectic - yeah, it seems like even slugs like Phelps would feel a tiny bit of remorse about fucking with a FUNERAL. But no, that would require real human emotion. And you will LOVE Hedwig.

Opera gal - someday, they will catch Fred Phelps with a transvestite hooker, and a bad transformation at that, one with black curly hair coming out the top of the bra.

Madame D - I like the animated wig bouncing over the song lyrics. *sigh*
Yeah, I'm pretty sure if God decided he hated you, he'd let you know personally.

Mr. B - it's quickly become one of my faves.

PlazaJen - I already have my sign made. It says "Freddie's Dead" with a smiley face. :)

CKelli - couldn't you combine it into "I'm the only Superfreak"?

Phoebe Fay - yeah, the Phelps fuckers are the kind of weirdos who probably enjoy abuse, in their own fake-martyrish way.

Amy - that rocks! We did have a group of bikers (I can't remember the name) come around that apparently follow the Phelps fuckers around and set up counter protests, and escort the families to the funeral and try to block out the Phelps fuckers as best they can.

2:21 PM, March 08, 2006  
Blogger Froggylady said...

Definitely going to add this to my Netflix Q.

As far as protesting at the funerals of American soldiers?'s my cock, suck it. Be careful though, it's a strap on.

2:34 PM, March 08, 2006  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Bucky, not related, but have you seen Party Monsters or Buba Hotep? Must sees.

2:35 PM, March 08, 2006  
Blogger Kranki said...

That is one great little flick. Loved it. Great music. I should see it again.

2:48 PM, March 08, 2006  
Blogger MilkMaid said...

Phuck Phred Phelps.

I can't believe you missed the chance to tell him this in person. TSK!

5:13 PM, March 08, 2006  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Fred Phelps is gay. I'm sure of it. No one can be that obsessed with hating another group of people unless somewhere, way down deep inside his curdled little soul, Fred longs to fall asleep in Heath Ledger's big strong arms.

5:14 PM, March 08, 2006  
Blogger abcd said...

I did not know you loved musicals.
I will now beg for that post. I am
a musical fanatic.
Hedwig is great, and hearing the
song helped lower my BP. Mr. Phelphs should move out of this
country. I think their is a place
called Hell he could relocate to.


5:39 PM, March 08, 2006  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

One of my most favorite newer bands, I Can Lick Any Sonofabitch In The House, have a nifty little ditty about ol' Fred.


Scroll to the Westboro Baptist Church lyrics

Buy the disc. It's good, good shit.

When those nutsacks were supposed to be in the area, I considered slipping them a copy of the disc.

5:58 PM, March 08, 2006  
Blogger Mike said...

Okay, I am a drunken idiot that has tried twice now to make a comment and fucked it up both times.

Thing is, I think this is an age old dilemma. Cocksucking cocksuckers are infinitely preferable to non-cocksucking cocksuckers in this case. In fact, I think that these particular non-cocksucking cocksuckers may well be a legitimate argument for late-term or post birth abortion.

7:38 PM, March 08, 2006  
Blogger Madame D said...

Okay, as to the sign saying "Freddie's Dead"-the first thing that popped into my head was the song "Kenny's Dead" from the Chef Aid album, only with "Freddie" replacing "Kenny".
I must now finish making over the song. Damnit!

8:28 PM, March 08, 2006  
Blogger abcd said...

Granny would be proud of you. You made
a very ugly post a bit better with your humor. (I am speaking of the "JR"


I think this is too much code here.

It's almost like work.


11:05 PM, March 08, 2006  
Blogger Candy said...

I told you so.

Always trust me.

12:06 AM, March 09, 2006  
Blogger Homestead said...

Might I offer up "mother-fucking, cocksuckers" as an alternative? Because, really, we all know Freddy & his mama were caught knockin' boots in the backseat of the family Buick years and years ago.....

Phelps the Felcher visited here when the state ruled same-sex partners of University employees would get spousal benefits.... Imagine Bubba and Billy Bob (dressed in camo & hunter's orange... shotguns in the back window and drinking PBR) telling this guy to, "Go home and leave our fags alone." Oh, you think I'm making it up....

4:16 PM, March 09, 2006  
Blogger Meggan said...

Oh my god I love Hedwig too! LOVE IT. I may also be in love with John Cameron Mitchell.

12:47 AM, March 11, 2006  

Post a Comment

<< Home