the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Saturday, February 25, 2006

A heapin' helpin' of our hospitality

Before I begin the assault upon your senses, mostly your poor eyes, I'd like to say that I totally blame Zombie Flyboy for this post. In particular, I blame this disturbing piece for what you are about to see. Go on, blame Zombie. Remember, channel your anger, confusion, and disgust in Zombie's direction after you see what he made me do here.

That said, Zombie got me to thinkin' about one of my favorite TV shows of all time, The Beverly Hillbillies. What really happened on the set? It was the 1960s - were the cast members into wild and swinging parties?

Determined to find out, I dug through the archives of The Sordid Sit-Com Times, and the photographic evidence I was able to amass was enough to make a frat boy sober. It appears that you just couldn't keep the clothes on those fuckers once the director yelled "Cut!"

Well, not all of them. Of course, Jethro was just too dense to get in on the action. However, he actually had a longer after-career than did his co-stars. You will no doubt remember him from his long run fronting the band Jethro Tull:

jethrotull.jpg


Now, if we're gonna do any more "Where Are They Now?" features, I feel compelled to let you know what happend to Ellie Mae Clampett. I'm really sorry, but it must be shown.


naked_ellymay.jpg
It must've been all Granny's fried food.


I know Cousin Pearl was considered the smokin' temptress on the show. It is with great sorrow and regret that I dash all your fantasies on the jagged rocks of bitchdom and reveal one of classic television's greatest secrets:

cousinpearl1.jpg
Cousin Pearl was a man, baby!

It was also sad for me to discover how Granny had been making spare change since the show's finale:

naked_granny1.jpg
This was obviously past Granny's prime.

Things weren't always this lean for Granny. In fact, she was known as the Lucky Swinger on the set; find an orgy, and Granny was usually right at the epicenter.

jedthreesome.jpg
That Mr. Drysdale - always watching out for our, er, your money. Money shot, that is.


janeandgranny.jpg
I got your rheumatiz medicine right here!

kulp.jpg
My finger smells like Granny's rheumatiz medicine...


Satan's Homies
If you are unwilling to place all the blame for the filth you have just read at Zombie's shuffling feet, then you are also welcome to blame the Homies, who whisper in my ear until I just give up and do what they want.

Y'all come back, now - hear?

16 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Jim said...

OH MY GOD I CAN NEVER WATCH THAT SHOW AGAIN....thank you for that.

If you TOUCH Wonder Woman I swear to GOD I will never ever compliment your monkey again.

11:28 PM, February 25, 2006  
Blogger Jim said...

Whoo-Hooo! First!

11:28 PM, February 25, 2006  
Blogger Mike said...

You have totally and single-handedly ruined my Ellie Mae fantasy. Although, I may be able to replace it with Granny and Miss Jane.

11:29 PM, February 25, 2006  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

When I look at Ellie Mae all I think of is the Simpsons episode with the really fat girl doing the ab roller, "This is my Re-ward!"

Your so sick.

12:11 AM, February 26, 2006  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
It all comes together at last.

12:21 AM, February 26, 2006  
Blogger eclectic said...

So THAT's how Cousin Pearl got his name... giving out pearl necklaces! I always wondered about that.

1:03 AM, February 26, 2006  
Blogger Susie said...

Pearl necklaces . . . well, you can't say we've never learned anything here. Good one, eclectic.

I just appreciate that Mr. Drysdale kept his hat on. A little decorum, is all, you know?

1:11 AM, February 26, 2006  
Blogger Jim said...

Oh..and sorry about Darren McGavin dying (and Don Knotts). I know you were a fan because he was so Fra-GEE-Lay

1:20 AM, February 26, 2006  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Wow! Bucky, you continually amaze me with your talents. Now, how about an animated porn version of the Hillbillies?

1:22 AM, February 26, 2006  
Blogger Squirl said...

Bucky, the pictures were disturbing enough. The story that goes with them is just too much, too much.

6:31 AM, February 26, 2006  
Blogger Susie said...

You know, at various times in my life, various weights, various levels of fitness or not, I have taken comfort and gained confidence from something that a famous marriage counselor said, (paraphrasing) "For most straight men, if you are the only naked woman in the room, you look GOOD." Now, though, seeing Ellie Mae . . . maybe there are limits to that bit of wisdom?

11:15 AM, February 26, 2006  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

That Cousin Pearl must have been a great actor. He NEVER looked that good on the show.

1:27 PM, February 26, 2006  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Ok, yeah... you win, Bucky. You're insane.

I'll check back in tomorrow, though...

2:25 PM, February 26, 2006  
Blogger eclectic said...

Oh dear god, Bucky. It's worse the second day. I can't make the themesong go away. "Then up from the ground come a bubblin' crude.... oil, that is... black gold, Texas tea." Save me!!!

4:00 PM, February 26, 2006  
Blogger Zombie_Flyboy said...

Bucky, let's get hitched. We make a great team.

:)

10:35 PM, February 26, 2006  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

Damn.

1:42 PM, February 27, 2006  

Post a Comment

<< Home