Irredeemable
Well, according to tradition, I'm supposed to take the turning of the calendar as an excuse to improve myself by way of resolutions. But for me, that's tough.
I'm not sayin' it's tough for me to find something about myself that needs to improve, because I can find that shit all day. And there's the rub: I'm such a broken, twisted, fundamentally wrong person that I wouldn't even know where to start the fixin' process. When you think about it, isn't any single resolution I could make just a drop of grease in the sleaze bucket?
Smoking cessation would have been the obvious choice, of course - nice, easily identifiable, widely villified vice. But, dammit, I quit on my birthday last year, so I don't have that as a choice on the Menu of Self-Betterment. What am I gonna promise, then? To cover my bare ass when I wear chaps? To give a senior discount to my johns who can produce an AARP card? To use eco-friendly rechargable batteries in my flashing butt plug? To stop fashioning oversized genitalia from children's modeling clay? To start wearing my helmet when I skateboard in traffic?
It would all be a lie. I don't even have a skateboard.
I prefer to make resolutions that have nothing whatsoever to do with self improvement, but that I do stand a chance of fulfilling. Therefore, in 2006, I resolve:
What other awful things should I do this year?
I'm not sayin' it's tough for me to find something about myself that needs to improve, because I can find that shit all day. And there's the rub: I'm such a broken, twisted, fundamentally wrong person that I wouldn't even know where to start the fixin' process. When you think about it, isn't any single resolution I could make just a drop of grease in the sleaze bucket?
Smoking cessation would have been the obvious choice, of course - nice, easily identifiable, widely villified vice. But, dammit, I quit on my birthday last year, so I don't have that as a choice on the Menu of Self-Betterment. What am I gonna promise, then? To cover my bare ass when I wear chaps? To give a senior discount to my johns who can produce an AARP card? To use eco-friendly rechargable batteries in my flashing butt plug? To stop fashioning oversized genitalia from children's modeling clay? To start wearing my helmet when I skateboard in traffic?
It would all be a lie. I don't even have a skateboard.
I prefer to make resolutions that have nothing whatsoever to do with self improvement, but that I do stand a chance of fulfilling. Therefore, in 2006, I resolve:
- To purchase more Play-Doh for bigger and better displays of semi-animated filth. I think I've found my calling.
- To use Photoshop for evil and not for good.
- To lobby vigorously for a special edition release of Homies Monopoly.
- To get those bargain breast implants installed (the ones built on a technology similar to that of Ball Park Franks).
- To blame every instance of flatulence on the nearest pet/child too small to contradict my story.
- To vomit hilariously at least once this year so that I can tell you all about it.
- To sing inebriated karaoke at least twice this year so my friends can tell me about it and then I can tell you about it. And you ain't seen nothin' 'til you've seen me drunkenly belting out Mack the Knife. Truly frightening shit.
What other awful things should I do this year?
Katy Barzedor proclaimed this to be so at 6:58 PM
23 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':
I have no ideas, I'm too busy laughing. I never make resolutions (coz I'm just fucking perfect the way I am)but now I'm very tempted to start making reverse resolutions...
I agree with killerchia..you've pretty much covered the bases. You're so strong - I could could never better myself to such lengths.
You fart?? I had no idea. This will be quite an adjustment for me.
Hmmmmm...I guess you could wear a dress or somthing.
Or a FROCK, if you will...
Sounds like an excellent list, Bucky! It also sounds like fun. After I complete my 4-item revolution I may borrow some of those items from your list.
Hey! Don’t forget to get out your guitar!
Nude Clog Dancing.
You're welcome.
Nope, no resolutions here either. I can't even resolve to use Resolve to remove the stains in my life. :(
vK - I think we need to DESIGN an extray-special outfit for mz BFE.
IM me later...
Just be you, Bucky. Isn't that scary enough? ;D
Now I'm waiting see what OperaGal and Kranki come up with. A frock?????? This should interesting.
Mrtl - if an ice-water enema is your idea of fun, then yeah! ;)
KChia - I will take your poop motif under consideration.
Song - When I start to think of resolutions, I can hear Billy Joel in my head telling me, "Don't go changin'...to try and please me..."
Jim - and what would you have to better? Don't go changin'...
Eclectic - well, let's just say I "piffer" because farting is so, well, undainty. And I am nothing if not fuckin' dainty.
Kylz - Will you have thought of something evil by then?
Kranki - can I title it "Frock a doodle doo"?
SS Nick - my orange guitar hangs on the wall and stares at me. But it's the pink paisley guitar in its case that calls to me...
M_D - Oooooh, good one! That'll get all my spare flab goin' like a tsunami...
Mr. B - in the end, we will be judged by our stains.
Opera gal - now you're scarin' me!
CKelli - small children especially find it sufficiently frightening when I am just being myself. ;)
Squirl - oh, sure. Abandon your innocent little sister to the frockers. I see how it is.
I think if you quit smoking you are exempt from ever having to make another stupid resolution ever again cuz this shit is hard.
Just keep workin on your videos. Hopefully ones that don't cause me to go into a seisure or make me wanna wear assless chaps. My ass is already chapped and let me tell you, that's alotta chapstick.
please excuse my stoopit comments. i am nicotine deprived and not used to all this oxygen, gimmee a break, ok?
It's okay, Dashababy - I remember that oxygen rush, too.
And the heightened sense of taste and smell.
Which...may or may not be a good thing. ;)
Oh, and I use the "WideLoad" Chapstick on my ass. You might not need one so extreme, but I enjoy the coverage.
I personally like the poop idea - I am strangely enamoured with the idea of killerchiapet regarding eating corn nonstop in otder to poop a big old log o' corn. I need something to amuse myself since I just quit smoking. I like being able to taste and smell now, but sometimes the smells are scarrry.
Hey, here's a resolution regarding farts. See how many different sorts of farts you can create and how many different smells you can let forth from your ass. That sounds like fun.
Here's to a great New Year!
A present for you and yours:
http://tinyurl.com/bfq69
Then answer the call of the pink paisley guitar!
Tsk tsk tsk girl a., girl a., girl a....
I'm seeing posts about Major Awards all over the place; so help me, I'm going to find a way to nominate you for Best $2 whore blogger with a depiction of a dancing blue penis . . . there's gotta be a category for that somewhere...
Suggestion, inspired by katiebbaw's: audioblog varieties of farts; yea, that's uplifting, and you know how I like to be uplifting :)
Things you never here (to honor good ol' George Carlin) -- only these are my own -- but in his style..
"For my new years resolution, I plan to drink more!"
"FOr my resolution, I think i'll kill not one bad driver but, endeavor to kill 7 - for luck!"
"My New YEars resolution is to barf uncontrollably all over the first cop that pulls me over for DUI"
"My resolution this year is to blow up my house -- at least once!"
"For new years, this year, I promise NOT to commit adultry ... I'll only dabble in it!"
"New years this year will see me never - ever ever ever again smoke my piano!" (i borrowed a little there)
Now if only i could spell!!!!!
Things you won't HEAR! Hear .. hear..
ok, Al - write HEAR on the board one hundred times...
Well, let's see. Things that are horrific and evil enough for you, yet not quite bad enough-or big enough of an explosion-to bring the cops a'runnin.
Well, first of all, I've never torched a car before. I've always kinda wanted to, but never had a car that didn't work any more that I wanted to burn. My cars tend to barely run as it is, and I need them.
But, there is a wide variety of Demolition Derbys, or, for that matter, people who live on the opposite side of town, who are fairly crying out to have cars torched.
Try to pick a nice burgundy ones. I really hate that color.
For real fun, have your Play-Doh genitalia in full working order, so you can film claymation porn for us, not just those cheap exposes. I mean, really, hasn't the hunchback suffered enough, what with the bells and the non-20/20 vision and such?
I'm sure I can think of more. Just give me a couple minutes...miles and miles of crap to choose from!
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