the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

No handbasket required

While I don't believe in a literal Hell, with pitchforks and flaming colonics, I do believe that if you fling shit, it will eventually fly back in your face. So, for the sake of semantics here, let's say that "going to hell" means getting one's just desserts for transgressions, whether one believes in karma, Satan with a clipboard, or something in between. In that spirit, here are several reasons I'm probably going to hell, or will at least sit in the lobby for a really long time:

  • When I was a kid, my mom participated in product surveys all the time, and we would get free unlabled shit to try and rate for the survey company. After my brother got shampoo, my dad got mouthwash, and my mom got deodorant, I could see a trend there, and I complained aloud (more than once and often in public) that by the time they got to me, it would be down to butt rinse.

    For the record, the butt rinse never arrived.

  • Also in kidhood, my sis (Squirl) was taking a shower, and little chatterbox that I was, probably age 10 or so, I was in there talking to her. I had my cat, Tene, with me. Tene was walking on the edge of the tub, and...can you see where this is going? It just kind of seemed like a good idea to "encourage" Tene to give in to gravity and suddenly join Squirl on the other side of the shower curtain. The cat slid down the tub into Squirl's supposedly sacrosant shower space and shrieked, so of course, Squirl shrieked in utter surprise, and Tene was a wet grey-striped streak hurtling out of the tub. I claimed for years that Tene fell into the tub. Don't know if I ever 'fessed up to that one. Sorry, Squirl, heh heh. Don't tell Mom!

  • I feel the need to share this with you in this context, because it's just wrong for me to laugh at this, it really really is. But...you tell me if you think I could have helped it. A few weeks ago, I received an email informing me of the death and funeral arrangments of a gentleman named Richard. Now, I mean no disrespect to the dead, but to the person who wrote the email? You be the judge.
    The email contained the sentence "Dick will be shown at ______ Funeral Home" and ended with "Please keep Dick in your prayers."
    First: I've never been to a funeral home like that.
    Second: When is Dick not in my prayers?

  • I am most definitely going to hell for this:
    gumby_bunga


  • And if not for that, what about for the sin of wasting my time watching a soap opera every day?
    Soap Mobster in My Car
    Sonny Corinthos is my co-pilot.
Somehow, I don't think there are enough Hail Marys in the world to make up for these and other transgressions. But y'all are welcome to laugh at me all the way.

28 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger eclectic said...

"Since when is Dick NOT in my prayers?"


Bwhahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

*ahem*

Amen, sister Bucky.

11:04 PM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Jim said...

I'm RIGHT THERE with ya, gal. It's in my prayers too.

TESTIFY, SISTER! can I get a witness?

11:48 PM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

AMEN!
:::stands up with hands in air:::

12:34 AM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger Random and Odd said...

i heart sonny too.

12:54 AM, December 22, 2005  
Anonymous Dick said...

Thanks for all the prayers.

1:55 AM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger MilkMaid said...

Sonny needs to walk away and leave St Emily alone. BLAH.

All you peeps on the floor praying to Dick, get up already. ahahahaaa!!

8:00 AM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

What? That's it? A couple posable toys enhanced with photoshop? Watching soaps? Cat tipping?

Damn, Bucky... I've done worse things, and that's only been in the last few days!

BTW, if watching soaps sends you to hell, my Grandmothers are in for a REAL surprise...

8:36 AM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Eclectic - I think if we all pray for the same thing, miracles DO happen. Heh heh heh

Jim - have your prayers been answered?

M_D - I think I've struck a nerve with Dick.

R&O - Sonny has realllly grown on me. I think it's the dimples, or maybe it's the little grin when he's pretending to be nice, just before he whips out his big...handgun.

Dick - hey, you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. Or was that my cervix that needed scratching?

MilkMaid - Ha! Yes, he does. St. Emily, heh heh heh. That pairing is just...so...wrong. Although, if it irritates Carly, I'm gonna like it a little bit, at least...

CKelli - "cat tipping" heh heh heh heh. I like it. But I won't try it again. Squirl won't let me near her shower anymore.

9:09 AM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger LadyBug said...

Yeah, I'm thinking Giving Squirl a little pussy in the shower will DEFINITELY send you to hell.

I can't believe I just that typed that. Looks like I'll be joining you there.

Can you forgive me, Squirl??

9:44 AM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

What you didn't know was that Richard died of an overdose of Cialis. They never could get the coffin closed.

And if you're praying for dick, falling to your knees is a good way to have those prayers come true.

Me? I just want to know how wet the pussy gets in Squirl's shower. Yeah, I said it.

10:03 AM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Just passing through, walking on by today . . . ;)

10:24 AM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

I'm trying really hard, here, to not laugh really loud at work. Ladybug and Nilbo, you are both soooooo crackin' me up.

Yes, Bucky, you did confess to the cat-tipping somewhere along the line.

But Tene ALWAYS knew and probably never forgave you.

10:33 AM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

I've heard rumors that the shower scene in Psycho was originally going to involve throwing a cat at Janet Lee. The ASPCA got involved and the shit never happened.

For once in life, I skipped over dick and pussy jokes. It's not that I am on a puritanical streak, but all of the good jokes were taken. Dammit.

12:22 PM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

LadyBug - you know, you used to be such a nice girl...
What have we done?

Nilbo - I think the best thing we can do is to celebrate Dick.
And I refuse to discuss my sister's bits.

Susie - good day to just whistle and walk...


Squirl - heh, didn't know if I'd told you that or not. And Tene may have forgiven, but she never forgot...

12:23 PM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Bone Machine - don't you hate it when all the pussy is taken before you get there?

12:24 PM, December 22, 2005  
Anonymous minxlj said...

Oh Bucky - you and I will be having SUCH a party when we go to Hell.

12:26 PM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Minxlj - I'll save you a good seat!

2:13 PM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger song said...

Once not so long ago I gathered the five or so people who were still awake after a rather drunken night to show them the coolest thing in the world (ok, It was so cool at the time) which consisted of me throwing my cat into a cold shower. I even opened the bathroom door and the front door so she could run straight out. It was premeditated cat rinse. Does this mean I get to join you in the lobby?

5:55 PM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

Cat abuse?

Im never coming back here again.

6:29 PM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

Dick prayers?


Ok maybe Im back.

6:30 PM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger Nina said...

Ummmm, not in my prayers but in my. . . well never mind. Blessings to Dick.

6:30 PM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

Dick is always in my prayers! We're all going to hell

8:50 PM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger dashababy said...

.... they couldn't get the coffin closed." Bwwahaha. I really did laugh out loud at that one.

And at what point in time did people stop naming their kids "Dick"? Nobody names their kids that anymore, do they?
I admit, I can't say "dick" with a straight face. I would avoid saying their name if at all possible. Last year I had a client name "Dick". I just called him "Mr. Whateverhisnamewas" to avoid it. He'd say "Call me Dick". Oh man it was hard to not laugh.

Does putting socKs on cats head or tape on their feet qualify for hell? I hope not!! We were bored, not evil. Sometimes we put socks on their heads and tape on their feet at the same time. We didn't hurt em. It was only for a couple minutes or so and we didn't do it that often. We were kids!

8:54 PM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Song - oh, yeah, I'm pretty sure you earned at least detention for that!

Jess - I knew you'd stay for the dick. And if you'd known Tene, you'd have "helped" her into the shower, too.

Nina - I'm sure you mean in your...heart, right? Yeah, heart.

Kylz - it's like Clint Eastwood says in Unforgiven: "We all got it comin', kid."

Dashababy - I know your avatar is a picture of a dog, but at first glance, I ALWAYS think it's a teddy bear!
I suppose we'll all do at least a little time for non-harmful torment of the cats. It was never my intent to inflict harm or pain...it was enough to strip them of their dignity, if only for a moment.

9:48 PM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Bucky, with cats, that's all you can really hope to accomplish anyway. A moment's loss of dignity. ;)

Well, that and to not step in the gooey regurgitated hairball in the hallway in the middle of the night with bare feet.

9:54 PM, December 22, 2005  
Blogger Jim said...

If I were this guy, I'd change my name:

http://www.tricklefan.com/

12:08 AM, December 23, 2005  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

Middle school must have been hellish for Dick Trickle. I guess it's hard...uh, make that difficult to impress the ladies with a name like that, especially when he makes his living being faster than the competition.

10:56 AM, December 23, 2005  
Blogger She who shall not be named said...

SONNY!

10:12 PM, December 30, 2005  

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