When I grow up

Today I was just musing, like people do when they're avoiding tasks they should be doing. I've been a computer geek for a long time now, professionally speaking, and I was daydreaming about other paths I might have taken...

• Rock star. Of course, this was my preferred career path, but it was tragically derailed by my serious lack of talent. I know what you're thinking, and I know that hasn't stopped many a successful rock star, but I guess I just have too much self-awareness for the job. When I suck, I know I suck, and no amount of personal bravado will diminish the suckocity of my performance.
• Porn star. Naturally, I've been inundated with offers to join the ranks of the money-shot-splattered elite, but there's one thing, one overarching concern that keeps me from accepting: gravity. It ain't been kind.
• Carpenter. I think this would be a fantastic and rewarding career for me. Just so long as I don't put too much value on havin' a complete set of fingers, and don't mind bein' able to see sunlight through the palm of my hand. Perfect!
• Elephant poop cleaner. No, wait - I haven't given up on that dream yet.
• Rocket scientist. Damn, wish I'd thought about that before I discovered alcohol.
• Cartoonist. Aside from the obscene scribblings I've posted here, I've also developed a few comic-book characters. One I developed in junior high school, and kept alive and fairly current until I was in my mid-20s, was The Rodent Runner. The title character was a rat who was chosen by the rat god to set the rat population straight so it didn't end up like humankind. Saddled with a bitchy, flamboyant guardian angel named Rodney, the Rodent Runner never gets much soul savin' done, but his misadventures are consistently gross and bizarre. There's even a gratuitous appearance by Ratsputin in one installment. More recently, I developed a character called Cutie-Pie the Bat. The premise is that this really sweet-tempered little bat just wants to make friends, but gets the smackdown from everyone he meets (I have one sketched out where Mother Theresa attacks him with a broom). Oh, the hilarity. But I could see how that would run out of steam really fast.
• $2 whore. This has long been a goal of mine. Of course, you have to take into consideration that when I started this dream, two bucks meant a lot more than it does now. My advice to youngsters would be this: if you aspire to be a whore, don't put a price tag on it just yet. Allow for inflation.

I await your rude additions to the list.