I need to close my ears
Why do I always hear this shit?
I was recently shopping, minding my own business, squeezin' the Charmin and thumpin' the melons, when the conversation of three women nearby intruded on my consciousness. Having no desire to be bumped out of my own little zone, the zone where I concentrate on my list and buy things in some kind of order instead of zig-zagging around the entire bloody store, I tried to block out most of what they were talkin' about.
My strategy was successful until one of the women delivered the "What the fuck?" statement of the day:
"Her daughter looks like Kevin Bacon."
What?
I continued to shop, but my mind was no longer on my task. It just kept going through my brain, like curry through intestines, Her daugher looks like Kevin Bacon, Her daughter looks like Kevin Bacon...just like that episode of the Brady Bunch where Marcia dreams about her football-injured schnozz, reliving the moment of impact and the shriek of "Oh, my nose!" over and over and over again. I had lost all sense of direction; I was putting small items in the bottom of the basket and setting the giant bag of dog food in the baby seat, grabbing kosher food when I'm not even Jewish, asking for a carton of Camels when I haven't smoked 'em since the 1980s...I was all fucked up. I drove home, taking a full extra ten minutes for the drive because I kept missing my street, and stared into space
It's been a few weeks, and I'm still staring into space. Her daughter looks like Kevin Bacon. What does that mean? Is it an insult or a compliment? Which Kevin Bacon? Footloose-era Kevin? Wild Things Kevin? Animal House Kevin? Of course, I began to visualize. And what kind of a friend would I be if I didn't share with you, the Internet as a Whole?
Her daugher looks like Kevin Bacon. What would that look like?
Would she be friendly and wholesome, yet a tad flirtatious, with a Mona Lisa smile?
Would she be seductive but greasy, and a little bit cheap, yet high-rent at the same time?
Would she be practical, a no-nonsense gal in a business suit with an agenda?
Would she be the kinda playful gal who likes to mix it up, gender bend a little?
Or would she look like a two-dollar whore who only consented to this interview after being promised cigarettes and bourbon?
More questions: Who would like to be at the head of the mob that comes to my house, all torches and pitchforks, and forcibly removes my Photoshop? And would you be so kind as to complete my lobotomy while you're at it?
I was recently shopping, minding my own business, squeezin' the Charmin and thumpin' the melons, when the conversation of three women nearby intruded on my consciousness. Having no desire to be bumped out of my own little zone, the zone where I concentrate on my list and buy things in some kind of order instead of zig-zagging around the entire bloody store, I tried to block out most of what they were talkin' about.
My strategy was successful until one of the women delivered the "What the fuck?" statement of the day:
"Her daughter looks like Kevin Bacon."
What?
I continued to shop, but my mind was no longer on my task. It just kept going through my brain, like curry through intestines, Her daugher looks like Kevin Bacon, Her daughter looks like Kevin Bacon...just like that episode of the Brady Bunch where Marcia dreams about her football-injured schnozz, reliving the moment of impact and the shriek of "Oh, my nose!" over and over and over again. I had lost all sense of direction; I was putting small items in the bottom of the basket and setting the giant bag of dog food in the baby seat, grabbing kosher food when I'm not even Jewish, asking for a carton of Camels when I haven't smoked 'em since the 1980s...I was all fucked up. I drove home, taking a full extra ten minutes for the drive because I kept missing my street, and stared into space
It's been a few weeks, and I'm still staring into space. Her daughter looks like Kevin Bacon. What does that mean? Is it an insult or a compliment? Which Kevin Bacon? Footloose-era Kevin? Wild Things Kevin? Animal House Kevin? Of course, I began to visualize. And what kind of a friend would I be if I didn't share with you, the Internet as a Whole?
Her daugher looks like Kevin Bacon. What would that look like?
Would she be friendly and wholesome, yet a tad flirtatious, with a Mona Lisa smile?
Would she be seductive but greasy, and a little bit cheap, yet high-rent at the same time?
Would she be practical, a no-nonsense gal in a business suit with an agenda?
Would she be the kinda playful gal who likes to mix it up, gender bend a little?
Or would she look like a two-dollar whore who only consented to this interview after being promised cigarettes and bourbon?
More questions: Who would like to be at the head of the mob that comes to my house, all torches and pitchforks, and forcibly removes my Photoshop? And would you be so kind as to complete my lobotomy while you're at it?
Katy Barzedor proclaimed this to be so at 1:56 PM
45 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':
That chick is hot. I think I know her from somewhere.
See if you can hook me up...
Bwah-hahahahahaha!
Now that's some funny!
Speaking as someone who once photoshopped her face onto Shania Twain's body (and later Sandra Bullock), I can not remove your photoshop. Nor will I be beating down your door, pitchfork in hand.
I will, however, be over here snickering.
Oh, and NICE MARACAS!
LOL -- I swear I didn't see Jess' comment before I posted mine! While, Jess does appear to have some nice maracas, I wasn't... I didn't mean... well. *sigh* I guess I'm going back to work now...
She'd definitely be the one in the fancy shirt with the great cleavage.
Kevin Bacon with cleavage?? Heaven help us.
You don't wear make-up, do you Bucky?
Jess - I think you've seen her dancing by the headlights of her yellow VW bug. Stickin' it to the man and all.
CKelli - hey, there's no shame in recognizing nice maracas and celebrating them as such. And fine, fine maracas they are.
LadyBug - I know you secretly dreamed of these pictures. It's okay, hon - let it all out.
MilkMaid - er, ah, well...I really can do a better job than that, but Kevin just WOULD NOT hold still. He's so squirmy when I come at him with the blush...
Bwahahahahahahahaha
That's all I have to say for now.
As my friend, Hoss, would say, Hoo Boy! Oh gosh, that's killing me. So funny. I gotta go pick up my kid now, and stand outside the school door with all the other moms wondering why I keep snorting, then composing myself, snort, compose, snort, compose . . .
(I'm glad to see you got some WORK done there today, Ms. Barzedor)
OMG. Oh. My. God.
I vote for the $2 whore.
Ohgosh. First, Kevin Bacon is a very sexy man, IMO. Let's see . . . in the first one, he's got sort of a Jamie Lee Curtis thing going on. Yea, he's OK as a daughter in that one. The others, just a leeeeetle bit skirry.
Let us all pray for . . . well, you know who ;)
Oh, and CK, under what circumstances were you putting your heads on people? I mean, your head on peoples? I thought I knew you...
Circumstances? Purely virtual circumstances, I assure you.
I'm a good girl, Susie...
Honestly? After seeing you purty up Mr. Bacon, it made me realize he would make a great stand in for Tim Curry's character in that Rocky Horror flick.
I dunno... Circus Kelli's comments got me thinking that perhaps Kevin shoulda done Shania's song, "Man, I Feel Like a Woman."
That's just damned skeery.
ROFL, ROFL, ROFL . . . please let Bucky keep her Photoshop, I can't stop laughing.
Personally, I think these photoshop sessions indicate that your lobotomy was completed years ago...
As for Kevin Bacon, I've always thought his facial features resembled an anorexic pig. His last name should be a hint, no?
Maybe she actually said, "Her daugther looks like Kevin's bacon." Which would of course completely change things.
That first one looks like my favorite "Executive Transvestite" Eddie Izzard. Now HE is funnier than FUCK. If you aren't familiar with him, rent one of his DVD's.
Hi, I found your blog while I was looking for pictures of hemorrhoids that resemble Kevin Bacon. I am going to bookmark your site. Check mine out and tell me what you think of my latest penis enlargement technique!
I figured you might be missing blogspam :)
Too great! the doctored pics of KB! Reminds me of being in grade seven and me and my BF Sandy Stachura used to take magic markers and put beautiful 80's makeup on EVERYONE.
That Brady Bunch episode. Yes.
Remember the one where Cindy went on the kids quiz show and just stared at the camera?
Pure genious! I need photoshop. I don't think Santa will bring me one because he is afraid of what I will do with it. If he relents, will you give me lessons? Stacie
That was a Lewis Black moment, right there.
For those of you who do not know, Lewis Black is a comedian who is funnier than sh--, but here's what he once said, to paraphrase:
He was sitting at IHOP and heard the following phrase
"If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have finished college."
It blew his mind. Did the same things you did, Bucky.
Just thought you should know.
;o)
Squirl - are your whiskers still twitchin'?
Susie - now you see how productive I can be on my lunch hour! All this around a chicken wrap with Doritos.
Mrtl - hey, you know we're all about pukin' here!
Jim - thanks for the vote of confidence! Oh, wait...
Susie again - yeah, I can see the Jamie Lee thing. And he does look wholesomest there. As wholesome as possible with the cheap makeup I was applying.
CKelli - um...BWAHAHAHAHAHHA!!
Nugget - think KB could be a sweet transvestite?
Eclectic - I'm sure Kevin burns up karaoke night with that one...
Romani Heart - then I've done my job correctly. ;)
Nina - so that's one more vote in favor of Kevin in makeup?
Ghost - good point about the lobotomy. And about the anorexic pig...not that there's anything wrong with that!
Mr. B - yes, that would make it all better.
Michele in Mich - I will have to check Eddie out sometime, now I'm intrigued...
And, um, you forgot to leave a link for that penis enlargement thingamabob.
Kylz - she's the prettiest girl at the prom!
Amy - I still love to do that to pictures in magazines (what a surprise!). And I know more about the Brady Bunch than I will admit in public. ;)
Stacie - but of course! Always happy to corrupt the innocent...
M_D - I LOVE that bit (and Lewis Black in general). Doesn't he go on to say that this explains aneurysms?
Uh-huh. Sure did.
Got to go with the $2 whore of course for me but with the exchange that is like $20.50!
You could parlay them photoshoppin' skeels into somethin'. I jus' knows it.
Sadly, that girl will endure "Six degrees of separation" - or less - for the rest of her life. Because if your photoshop images are any indication, ain't nobody gon' wanna stand next to her.... (Why did I get all backwoods rednecky in my dialect tonight? You bring out the best in me, Bucky.)
Okay, I am somehow not feeling nearly as secure in my manhood as I was when I arrived here. I find jamie lee bacn somehow...
excuse me, I need a double shot of Irish, and an ice bag.....
Are you sure they didn't say Canadian Bacon because that would, you know, make waaaaaay more sense?
Needs more cowbell...and a bidet.
;o)
*Does the sign of the cross*
AHHHHHHH HEATHEN, VICIOUS ABOMINATION ... *runs away fast screaming* Kill it! Kiiiiiiiill iiiiiit!
It's 7am here - and my morning woody just became a soft-on!
For SHAME Bucky!
But i supposed it's better than the daughter looking like John Malcovich.
M_D - Lewis Black rules the world.
Spikey1 - that's the main reason I won't whore north of the border.
PlazaJen - did we bring out your inner hillbilly there? Tarnation!
Bear - it's OK, hon. I can't keep my hands out of my pants when I see that picture of myself with a moustache, either (god, I'm a handsome devil). It's all good.
Kranki - is that like back bacon? Bacon got back?
M_D - only if I can use the cowbell and the bidet at the same time. "This ass is clean!" *clang*
Bone Machine - close enough for me. But you have to admit - that movie is awful, horrific fun, don'tcha think?
Alshrim - sorry to be a boner killer. But you're right - it could always be worse.
Kevin Bacon = Tom Waits dressed up as a girl, in that last pic.
Whoa.
LeafGirl - oh, do you have any idea the awful schemes you just put into my head?
*goes to dig through archive of Tom Waits photos, looks for prettiest one, opens Photoshop*
Um, who is Tom Waits? And Bucky, surely you're not photoshopping on WORK TIME... it's not even lunch yet... ;)
girl looks coked up. love the nice black eyeliner and pastel lips, a little marilyn manson meets britney.
CKelli - WHO IS TOM WAITS?
Oh, my...I see my next post forming...
Kat - yeah, I can see that unholy combination coming together here. The best part? Kevin seems to purse his lips naturally, which just fed into the whole scheme here - the only picture where I exaggerated his lip pursing is the crack-whore picture, and even then I didn't exaggerate 'em too much.
KChia - oh, it won't take 20 years for 'em to get there, I think.
Bone Machine - I never knew there was a Pixies song by that name - I just always assumed you were a man of good taste (ie, a Tom Waits fan).
Holy shit.
I am so gonna get fired.
Those chicks are so freakin HOT Bucky.
You are sttoooopppiiidddd!!!!
Must go change panties..again.
This is just SCARY!
"*goes to dig through archive of Tom Waits photos, looks for prettiest one, opens Photoshop*
"
Oh sheeeeeeeeeeit. We's in for it now!!
I hope you don't mind. I didn't ask permission. I didn't even spend that much time here. I just looked around, watched the dancing monkey bear, and instantly blogrolled you. This is the blog at its finest.
That first pic totally cracked me up! Thanks--I NEEDED the laugh!
Pissy - I really think we need to pitch in and get you some Depends, darlin'. That chair can't take much more before reupholstery is necessary.
Memphis Steve - welcome! And I am tickled that you would blogroll me. Unless by "blogroll" you mean "inform the authorities."
LeafGirl - see how nice I was in the next post? Nary a picture of Tom Waits in lipstick.
This time.
Bone Machine - aaaaaah, wish I'd seen him on that tour...I kept waiting for a Detroit or Ann Arbor date, but he never came any closer than Chicago. In retrospect, I shoulda gone to that one.
I'd hate your guts if I hadn't already seen TW twice. ;)
Effie - always glad to humilate celebrities for your amusement. :)
It is useful to try everything in practice anyway and I like that here it's always possible to find something new. :)
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