Because I'm so traditional

Susie wants us to join in decking the halls, and I can't say as I've been asked to do that lately, so why not? This is all about sharing our Christmas traditions, a favorite recipe, a warm and fuzzy memory that will make the class say "Awwwwwww!" in one sugary chorus.

You know, even a cold-hearted bitch like me has certain things that only get done this time of year, or only feel special this time of year. I hope I can convey to you, via my writing, how much these things make me light up like a gasoline-soaked jack o' lantern. Prepare to meet the kinder, gentler Bucky.

First, I would like to share with you my most cherished holiday recipe.

YULE EAT IT AND LIKE IT

Ingredients:

• 1 (one) 6-ounce package Sugar Babies, room temperature
• 1 (one) 6-ounce bag of Reese's Pieces, slightly chilled
• 3 (three) pounds of king crab legs, shells split
• 1 (one) quart simmering butter
• 1 (one) 4-ounce tube of anchovy paste
• 1 (one) large (frickin' huuuuuge) bottle of red wine
• 1 (one) generous (frickin' huuuuuuge) wine glass

Directions:

• Eat crab legs, dipping generously in simmering butter
• In between pounds of crab legs, eat the Sugar Babies (first break) and the Reese's Pieces (second break). Dip generously in simmering butter.
• After finishing crab legs, Sugar Babies, and Reese's Pieces, store remaining simmering butter in a handy rectum for safekeeping and ease of access.
• Take anchovy paste and pitch out nearest window, 'cause man - that shit's nasty.
  
• Belch or otherwise release trapped air.
• Open large bottle of wine.
• Holding the glass firmly in one hand, use gravity to extract the wine from the bottle into your glass.
• At this point, you should have something like this:

This holiday treat is best enjoyed while taunting one's friends who have not taken the trouble to make this complex but fascinating creation.


Salut, suckah!


Now, onto my Christmas traditions.

You know, it wouldn't be Christmas without my tradional Christmas hat:

Because Santa wants me to dress like the third Blues Brother.


And what Christmas hat would be complete without a Christmas robe?

I like to put on my long leather coat over this robe and go out. The coat doesn't cover the bottom of the robe, so I look like an escaped mental patient. People look at me weird. It's fun!


I also have a little collection I like to call the Christmas beads:

You should see what Santa made me do for these...


The cream of the crop, of course, is the most traditional of all Christmas accoutrements:

Monkey socks from Susie!

Now I've done it. I've spilled all my Christmas secrets, and now everyone will realize what an incredible pussy I am. What? I meant I'm a wimp. Scrape your minds out of the gutter. Is this how I raised you? I've only got one Christmas mystery left to reveal, and then you will all know that I'm a big softie and this hardened posterior, er, exterior I show you is only a facade, a show, a mask, a big fakey tricksie false thingamabob.

I'm going to show you my Christmas decorations.

Sure, I protest all the time that I don't decorate for the holidays. That was a lie, a big, buck-toothed lie. I have a special ornament, one that's been passed down from generation to generation by the women in my family. I love this ornament. It holds a special place in my heart, and I don't think I could ever not have it without feeling a void.



It's 'bout to get all festive in here.