Leapin' jizzy lizards!

If you've never been awoken at 4:15 a.m. by your cellphone playing Maroon 5 Harder to Breathe, which means you have a text page from the web server, which means you have to go restart the web server, you just haven't lived, pal o' mine. That was precisely the manner in which my day began, and when I'd finished with the business at hand, I was awake enough to idly cruise a few blogs. God, was that a mistake!

I thought Jess was my friend, until, at the suggestion of her latest post, I followed the link on this post at 4:30 this morning, and promptly gouged my eyes out with pointy origami (and it hurts more because it takes longer). What kind of god would allow this to happen? Warning: if you, too, were scarred by Jess' recommendation already, DO NOT watch this again! Even one viewing is 98% certain to cause brain damage. Don't risk repeated viewings. You might end up like me.

You may have noticed that I've been a complete slacker about answering my comments lately, and for that I apologize. I really do like it when you comment. Guess we can chalk it up to one thing: I'm an asshole I'm really swamped right now. So, I tried to answer a batch of comments this morning, and then pretty soon, there's more comments, and more comments, and before you know it, I realize my whoring abilities are bein' called into question because of my lack of ability to swallow pills the size of my head. Well, let me tell you all something...um, why do you think I only get two dollars? And I'll tell you something else: if any jizz ever gets shot my way that has lumps in it the size of DayQuil capsules, I won't swallow that, either. Lumpy jizz is no better than lumpy DayQuil.

Everybody here seems to be on a "Have lunch with a blogger" kick, too. You think you want to be seen with me eating in a public place, but that's only because you haven't seen my table manners. Remember that scene in The Blues Brothers, where Jake and Elwood go into the fancy restaurant and proceed to toss shrimp and bread at each other, guzzle Dom Perignon like it was Ripple, and offer to buy another patron's children? Yeah, that's me at dinner. Of course, then you'd have something to blog about..."Good lord, that Bucky is like Pigpen from Charlie Brown!" "Even my dog uses a knife and fork more adeptly than Bucky." "When Bucky was done eating, it looked like the bread basket had exploded on her placemat."

I think it's time to whip out the graphics and sneak out the back, Jack. Catch y'all on the flipside.