the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Tongue depressor

Having given myself over to the reality of this cold that has settled into my bones, I was tempted in a biblically huge way to just succumb to the creepy crawlies and call in sick this morning. But I grabbed myself by the collar and made me get up and dressed. When I finally made it out onto the porch and had locked the door, I realized that the whole porch was covered in a thin sheet of ice. Now, I have trouble with my balance on a good day with my health and a flat, dry surface; throw some ice down and it's a sure-fire way to get some spontaneous flailing that would put all the performance artists in the world to shame.

Having no faith in my ability to balance on the icy steps, in my cute but not iceworthy boots, I grabbed onto the post at the top of the steps and made my way down, one by one, heel hooked on the back of the step, until I couldn't go any farther without letting go of the post. It wasn't pretty, but I hopped over the side into the yard - one more step down would've been lovely, by the way - and was able to make it to the car without my ass meeting the ground in that sudden, impetuous way that it usually has. We'll call that a small miracle.

My forward progress was all predicated on the notion that once I got to the office, I could quiet the demons in my head, chest, and throat with some DayQuil. That is some nasty, nasty shit. I can't think of too many things that I think taste worse than DayQuil. So, why don't I just shut the fuck up and take the handy dandy taste-free DayQuil capsule form? Well, because..have you seen the size of those things? I can take small pills. Big pills have to be broken into smaller pieces for me. Yes, I am that big a pain in the ass. But you can't bust up a liqui-capsule. Why did they have to make the fuckers as big as my head? Why can't they make them half the size and say, "Take four"? Anyway, you see why I am a slave to liquid DayQuil and its nasty-ass tongue poison.

Once I'd settled in at work (and by that I mean I had a fresh can of Coke and was reading email), I had a breakfast bar so that my tastebuds might have a pleasant memory before I poured on the liqui-shit, and then I dug out my trusty office DayQuil. I went to pour some into a spoon, and it looked...wrong. It was, well, nigh unto lumpy. Grateful that I hadn't put this chunky abomination anywhere near my mouth, I looked at the expiration date on the bottle, and let me tell you - it doesn't take long for DayQuil to start growing legs. Looked like a trip to Walgreen's would be my fate.

I shuffled over to the cold and flu remedy aisle - you know I'm really sick when my first stop isn't the toy aisle to browse the plastic figurines and Play-Doh - and began what I thought would be a quick search and recover mission for the DayQuil. I saw rows and rows and rows of NyQuil blue, but nary an orange buoy bobbed alongside the blue. I searched across the aisle, I searched the endcap, I went back where I'd looked before because, let's face it, I'm old and sometimes I miss stuff. Nope. Just my luck, I thought, they're all sold out of DayQuil. NyQuil is bliss, and I don't even mind the flavor, but something tells me my sleeping at my desk during work hours would be frowned upon in the sternest possible way. I was just about to ask somebody why the hell they didn't have any DayQuil when they knew I could burst in at any moment, in dire need of clarity in the midst of my snot fog? I mean, really, people!

Then I saw the sign. Certain products were being kept behind the pharmacy counter because they contain pseudoephedrine, apparently a key ingredient in the manufacture of methamphetamines (who knew? I've been makin' meth wrong all these years!). I had to take a little card with a picture of DayQuil on it, in all its orangeness, and have the pharmacist hand me a bottle. It's a good thing I didn't feel like gasoline-soaked dog shit after pharmacy hours. If I'd felt better, I'd have kept going back to the pharmacy with new tags, just to see how many they'd let me buy before the cops showed up. But I decided a wiser course was just to take the shit back to the office and try to dose myself into a state of pseudo lucidity.

I had to work hard for that DayQuil. I tore the protective plastic collar off the bottle and poured it into the dose cup - no lumps, just smooth orange elixir. 30 millilitres is a lot to drink when it tastes that much like electric dung. Sure, it helped and I was able to work all day, but at what cost to my poor tastebuds? Here is a sample of my DayQuil face:

Dayquil face
I think the word I was searching for here was RETCH!

I may still be emotionally scarred from this. Let's hope I don't get sick again before the trauma wears off.

32 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Ma'am, next time, please take The Gnome. He's an expert in sucky packaging.

9:00 PM, January 17, 2006  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

Gah! I don't like the flavor of it as well, but it's a necessary evil in order to get through the day.
Get well soon! :o)

10:24 PM, January 17, 2006  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

I don't think that we have that here, so I may never know your pain. Given the face that you are pulling though, this may not be a bad thing.

Thanks Bucky for your email. It means a lot to me.


10:32 PM, January 17, 2006  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

They have that law here too, you have to actually sign a slip and show your license to buy stuff and you can buy no more then two products containing the "stuff".

What happens when 4 people in the same house get sick at the same time, you might ask.

Your fucked.

Damn junkies.

10:34 PM, January 17, 2006  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...


feel better, then come visit my new puppy, she needs toys

10:34 PM, January 17, 2006  
Blogger Jim said...

YOu cracked me RIGHT THE FUCK UP with the " see how many they'd let me buy before the cops showed up..." line. I'm still laughing.

And NyQuil and DayQuil BOTH taste like they've been consumed before. Blah.

10:56 PM, January 17, 2006  
Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

NyQuil=liquid coma.

Feel better soon.

11:58 PM, January 17, 2006  
Blogger Susie said...

I'm sorry your tongue is depressed. I think I'll stop right there with that train of thought. But you go right ahead . . .

I don't do the 'Quils. When I must do SOMETHING, I do Tylenol Cold, Day and Night. Feel better, sweetie.

12:03 AM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Mr. B - I will make sure I go nowhere without the Gnome, from now on.

M_D - Just gulped down another 30 ml of the orange tingler. ERRRRRRGH!

Kylz - well, as Crocodile Dundee once said, "You can live on it...but it tastes like shit." No, it's really great medicine, lets me work through the day, but it does taste extraordinarily nasty. NAS-T.

Jess - truthfully, it wouldn't be a whole lot more trouble for me to buy a gun than it is to buy DayQuil now.

And you know I'm comin' over to bring the Moo some new toys. Soon, I promise! Tell Moo I promise. She is a doll.

Jim - "consumed before" - I like it. I don't really mind NyQuil at all, but DayQuil has that thick, nasty, overpowering, nasty, tingly, nasty, UBERMINTY taste that even now I am trying to kill with Coke and potato chips (my breakfast...what?).

Kranki - I enjoyed my liquid coma last night. Then I woke up at 4:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. Who knew being sick could make me on time for work?

Susie - do they make Tylenol Cold in a liquid, or at least in a reasonably sized capsule? If I could feel just as good without traumatizing my tongue, I'd be happy.

7:53 AM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger hemlock said...

How does DayQuil compare to Buckleys?

8:31 AM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger AlRo said...

I'm gonna dash your hopes; but consider it tough love!

Cough Syrups don't work.
I never take 'em myself - i get over colds in 2 or 3 days typically..

I think syrup supress the healing process and make you sicker longer..,0,5042038.story?coll=sfla-news-sfla

Doctors say it too ....

but I hope you feel better soon - being sick SUCKS !

If you wanna feel better faster, go back to Jessica's blog and watch the David Hasslefruit video again - that'll scare the bugs away!

9:49 AM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Tylenol Cold Day and Night DOES come in reasonably sized capsules. I bet you could take them with no problem (and if you miss that UBERMINTY-ness, Tylenol Cold Day is available with a "cool burst", too)

I used to be able to take NyQuil, and sleep like a log. Now, when I take it, I sleep like a baby -- for about two hours, then I wake up all fussy and cranky and can't go back to sleep for an hour.

Dude! If you come to visit Moo, maybe you could come over here and meet me for lunch or something... just a thought...

Feel better soon, Bucky!

10:14 AM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Heh, I'd never thought to keep buying the stuff until the cops come. :)

Maybe you should ask first "How many can I buy before you call the cops?", then proceed to buy just *under* that amount. :)

10:15 AM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

LeafGirl - what is Buckleys? Does it work? Does it taste better than electric dung?

Alshrim - I try not to overdo it with the medicine, 'cause I do know that all it does is mask the symptoms. But the bit I use does me well, as it props me up just enough to do my job. You know, the people around here weep if they miss out on my company for a day.

10:20 AM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

CKelli - Did you say "lunch"?
I'm there, dude.

10:21 AM, January 18, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ugh, I have been drinking the DayQuil for the last few days now too so I can keep the phlegm down enough to go to work. Only now when I hack, it's road construction orange! Yay!
My husband had brought home some Alka Seltzer cold stuff, so I took it. Didn't really help and tasted like a fizzy bunghole. Next day at work, I get an email that it, along with several other common cold/flu meds, has been recalled for causing SEIZURES in women and children. So I have that going for me, which is nice.
Feel better!!
--Montana Anna

10:36 AM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger MilkMaid said...

electric dung ahahahahaa...that's about right.

Get well Bucky!

10:54 AM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger Susie said...

I think the Tylenol colds come in reasonable sizes. But I don't have any trouble swallowing. heh eh heh heh

Now I shall pout: You're having lunch with Circus Kelli? I'm so jillis.

10:58 AM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger Effie said...

you, the infamous $2 wench cannot swallow big things? Did I read that correctly, hmmm? I, on the other hand, learned when I was just a wee one, that I can swallow items up to the size of a brussel sprout completely whole...and I haven't heard any complaints yet....

*blushing completely red after reading what I wrote--naughty me*

12:33 PM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger Effie said...

Hey--yeah--going for lunch without us? Susie--you want to go for pie?

12:49 PM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...


The only thing is, I'm not so much for sushi. I know a great Chinese place close by, though... and our new Long John Silvers/Taco Bell is nearly ready to open! :)

AND, I know a great ice cream place, AND a great pie place closeby! ;)

1:21 PM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger Effie said...

What do they serve at Long John Silvers? (the dumb Canadian asks)

2:00 PM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Effie -- Long John Silvers is a fast food fish place... they COOK the fish.

2:10 PM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger crabcake said...

Dayquil can grow legs?

This explains sooooo much. Many things in my bathroom have been mysteriously moved about. Now....Now I know who did it!

I am duct taping the dayquil to a big rock to slow it down.

I am also putting up your new link over at my place, missy.

4:33 PM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger eclectic said...

Seriously. If something's going to make you gag while you swallow, it better make you feel good. That's all I'm sayin'.

5:10 PM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger dashababy said...

hahahhaa, Effie, I thought the same thing.
Bucky, those things/capsules are slick and slide down no problemo. Try it. Better than tasting that nasty "electric dung". "Gasoline soaked dog shit" was another fav line. You're such a good writer, even sick, sicker than usual, I should say.
Feel better lil' Buckeroo.

5:44 PM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger crabcake said...

OO. I agree with eclectic. Dang! I wish I'd thought of that first.

8:01 PM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger Squirl said...

Hope you're starting to feel better. You mentioned you might post your Dayquil face and I was not disappointed. I love the Dayquil color job you did. I sent you puppy pictures. I will be posting them as soon as I get time.

8:07 PM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger Susie said...

I'm having pie with Effie. So THERE!

8:43 PM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger whfropera said...

and here I am, all by my lonesome - and I only live 1 1/2 AWAY from Bucky, and she goes out of state to have lunch?
~goes to pout in corner.

9:33 PM, January 18, 2006  
Blogger Annejelynn said...

I have not read this post - the title alone has scared me off

10:57 PM, January 18, 2006  
Anonymous kalki said...

I love your writing so much that I want to marry it. Or at least make out with it good and hard.

10:34 AM, January 19, 2006  

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