the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Put "mean to children" on my resume!

I was at lunch today...yes, "lunch" where you leave the office and sit down in a restaurant and eat and talk and everything! Just the fact that I left my desk to eat differentiates today from any day in the last three weeks or so. And it wasn't just any lunch, mind you - it was Mongolian Barbecue. Oh, yeah. It would have been nearly orgasmic if not for the fact that there were no fucking crawdaddies! Well, to be totally accurate, there were no non-fucking crawdaddies, either. They were crawdaddy-less. Crawdaddy deprived. They gave me no tail.

Would the lack of tail excuse the conversation I then had with Arjay's wife?

See, my newfound fascination with Play-Doh sculpture coincides with her desire to be rid of a case - yes, a case - of Play-Doh given to her small children by their evil uncle. They are in a new house, and since I'm sure it's her fondest desire to avoid Play-Doh-infused carpeting, she wants me to take possession of the forbidden modeling compound. She's kept it hidden from the kids pretty well, and she needs to sneak it out of the house without their seeing, since they are children, and they will want the Play-Doh. At their age, the fun factory is just that easy.

She told me at lunch of her plan to bring it to me today, smuggled out of the house in shopping bags. It seemed reasonable to her that she would be able to take the dreaded rainbow-colored menace out of her house, and be a patron of the arts by then handing it over to me. That is, until last night when she heard a delighted shriek from the basement: "Oh, cool! Play-Doh!" Her oldest had discovered the contraband.

And for a second, I found myself truly disappointed. Sure, I could afford to go out and buy enough Play-Doh to build a life-size replica of Michaelangelo's David, only with a huge schlong this time. But I wanted that Play-Doh. And I would've let my friend steal it from her children for me.

Oh my god. I'm a bully.

I think we need an intervention here. And some fucking crawdaddies.


Mean smiley

28 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

I steal from my children all the time, they are heavy sleepers, dont worry.

I have to make up for all the socks Derek steals from me. And really, that Easter candy was totally just asking to be stolen... and the halloween candy.. the christmas candy.... the legos.....


Hey! They always steal the last of my orange juice! Its only fair!

And the rule when my boys were little? Playdoh is an outside toy. Dogs LOVE to eat that stuff you know....

9:05 PM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

I'm sure I speak for everyone when I ask you to elaborate about the Legos...

9:07 PM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger song said...

rip out the balaclava at midnight and go for it bucky, you'll put it to better use I'm sure :)

9:45 PM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Well, sure, see if they had had fucking crawdaddies, they wouldn't RUN OUT OF THEM. ;)

9:55 PM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Schmootzie said...

I obtain endless joy from making my own Play Doh at home. Here's the recipe:

* 2 cups plain flour
* 1 cup salt
* 2 cups water
* 4 teaspoons cream of tartar
* 1/8 teaspoon tartar control crest
* 2 tablespoons cooking oil
* food colouring

You mix it put it in the fridge, then it's go time!

Granted, you miss out on that firm cylinder and pungent chemical odor emitted by fresh play doh, BUT you can play with it for hours, impregnate it with hand scum, body oils and unusual fluids... and then you can eat it!

Yup, veg-heads like me like to use this as a meat substitute (kisses tips of three fingers and releases to air)

10:38 PM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Schmootzie said...

****PLUS*****

If you mix 300 g home made play doh with 100 ml tequila and ice, you can make a great margarita. No shit.

10:40 PM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Susie said...

Well, DUH: make some crawdaddies out of Play-Doh.

Confession: I have been stealing little chocolate bears filled with peanut butter, from LG. She will soon discover this, as the box is in the pantry, getting lighter and lighter. I don't know what may happen to me, then. It's been nice knowing y'all.

11:18 PM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Madame D said...

I steal from my son all the time. Sometimes I do it right in front of him.
I totally owe him like $15, too.
God, I'm a bitch.
If I can't stand to see a toy any longer, out it goes. Even if it's his favorite and he just got it, and it's only a TINY hole.
Um, the stretch and roar HULK he just got this year? He got one 2 years ago that lasted like 2 weeks before it got a little hole and could legitimately be tossed out.
He then talked about the toy for the next 2 years, until gpa kenny got one for him.
But he's forgotten about a lot of others. And if he "reminisces", I tell him to get over it.
I got rid of the Legos, too. Though, they were Duplos, and my mom sent an entire 18 gallon tote full of them.
That was just asking to be tossed after about 2 seconds.

11:44 PM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

Playdoh crawdaddies...I see a film in this:
Attack of the crawdaddies!
or
Homies vs. Playdoh Crawdaddies!

11:53 PM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

Ok, I am still spun out by schmootzie's margarita!

Do you remember everything that happened to you as a child? No, I didn't think so. They are kids - they will forget and get over it. Steal from the little pretties... ha haa haaa (witchy laugh necessary)

12:10 AM, January 06, 2006  
Blogger eclectic said...

Technically, it's not theft if their mom re-gifts it and it ends up at your house. Just don't try to sell it, 'cause then you're dealing in stolen property.

What?!

12:20 AM, January 06, 2006  
Blogger Michele in Michigan said...

I'm up for crawdaddies! Jes' tell me when & where LOL

I lovvvvves me sum swimps!

And if I were that woman, I'd have told my kids that it wasn't THEIRS, that it belonged to a lady at work hehehe

I need to put that shit on MY resume too lol

12:24 AM, January 06, 2006  
Blogger Jim said...

The first step is admiting you're powerless over Play-Doh.

The next step is to believe that a power greater than the Dohville Fuzzy Friends Farm can restore your life to sanity.

etc..

But I think 'mean to children' is long overdue - after all, they have that 'honesty' thing going for them and there's just no need for THAT.

6:12 AM, January 06, 2006  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

*hides eyes and covers ears because he always, always, always consults with his boy before discarding anything*

Bucky? Have you tried Model Magic? We love Play-Doh, but Model Magic is quite cool.

6:48 AM, January 06, 2006  
Blogger hemlock said...

I'm sure the "oh cool, play doh" was music to her ears as well. Right.

I think stealing from children is important. Teaches them the real things in life. When I was 17, I out bid my sister (5 years old at the time) in a silent auction for a paper mache set.

Explain that one.

8:52 AM, January 06, 2006  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

It's not stealing if you happen to go into their room and clean it up and put ALL THE TOYS THAT ARE ALL OVER THE HOUSE into new spots and some of the toys that no longer get played with end up in the "going to Salvation Army" pile. Is it?

9:09 AM, January 06, 2006  
Blogger LadyBug said...

PLAY-DOH MARGARITA??

Schmootzie left a recipe for a PLAY-DOH MARGARITA?!?!?!?!

Well, it's official. Now, I've heard everything.

9:26 AM, January 06, 2006  
Blogger Kat said...

My parents stole from us kids all the time, it's their right. Take the kids playdoh they'll only use it for good and well, that's no fun for us.

9:46 AM, January 06, 2006  
Blogger Mike said...

I wish you could have seen the look on my daughters face when I gave my grand daughter Play-Doh for Christmas. That old saying "if looks could kill" took on an entirely new meaning.

Yeah, it made my Christmas.

Now if I can only convince my grand daughter to start writing on the walls with every god damned thing she can get her hands on, then my work here is done.

10:01 AM, January 06, 2006  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

Now that's some art that I understand. It speaks volumes.

11:10 AM, January 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Playdough
1 C. flour
½ C. salt
1 tsp. cream of tartar

Stir together. Add about ¾ C. hot water. Add food coloring to water if desired. Add 1 Tbl. vegetable oil; stir and knead. Store in covered container. Tequila not required!
--Montana Anna

11:20 AM, January 06, 2006  
Blogger Stacie said...

You should try model magic...its way cool stuff! Stacie

11:27 AM, January 06, 2006  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Anyone try FLOAM? I bought it for the kids, but Hubby is making me send it back... they don't know it was even in the house, so I'm not stealing so much as "indian giving".

11:37 AM, January 06, 2006  
Blogger Squirl said...

You really deserve that Play Doh more than those silly kids. I can't imagine their works of art being anywhere near as creative as yours.

1:04 PM, January 06, 2006  
Blogger Random and Odd said...

Bucky, I would be HONORED to have you write my vows. It's my dream that someone as crazy ass as you will win the auction so I don't have to say all that lovey-dovey crap.

What lips? Oh dear LORDY I almost wet myself on the spot! You seriously are one of the funniest people on the net.

I heart you and you're Tchok...BLAH!

1:33 PM, January 06, 2006  
Blogger hellokittn said...

I'm rather sad.

I don't think I've ever had a crawdaddy.

Nor have I had a lifesized claymation penis.

Bucky, help?

3:07 PM, January 06, 2006  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

I am so not a fan of the Floam.

But the homebrew play-doh works darn fine and the Model Magic rocks.

(We also make our own Silly Puddy, but it's hardly something you can sculpt with.)

3:31 PM, January 06, 2006  
Blogger Madame D said...

Mike-my dad used to do the worst thing to my mother.
See, I lived with him for a few years, and she had 4 small children at the time.
One year, they all got drumsticks from me for Christmas.
Next? Anything that shook, banged, rattled, anything.
Ah, being able to get back at your ex-wife through the loving gifts of your shared child to her other children?
Priceless

4:54 PM, January 06, 2006  

Post a Comment

<< Home