the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

So nice I had to taste it twice

Man, I know I gotta go, it's the same thing every time,
But I don't think another drink's gonna make me lose my mind.
So I think about my next drink,
And it's you and me and the bottle makes three tonight...

(Big Bad Voodoo Daddy)

Because I was desperate, and suffering from massive writer's block last night (that video drained me like a feeding bat), I just posted a picture of some MD 20/20 and mused that perhaps the strawberry-kiwi might not have made me vomit as much as all the grape Mad Dog I rabidly (!) consumed as a teenager. Nilbo commented:

Yeah, because it's all about the flavour and not the alcohol content that makes you puke.

Okay, point taken. It all tasted like paint thinner anyway, no matter what fruit picture they slapped on the label. I can't even really blame it on the cheap wine, either; perfectly acceptable, respectable, overpriced alcohol makes me sick, too, if I have more than one serving. I can vomit Moet Chandon Brut with just as much vigor as I can heave Andre's Spurkling Bargundy. And I have.

Many a miserable night have I spent embracing the toilet while my stomach says "Nope, that's gotta go...and that...and that..and that..." It seems odd that I haven't been completely soured on beer, as many times as I've made myself sick with it (I was going to write "as many times as it's made me sick" but then I realized that I really had more choice here than the beer did). Same for wine. I even used wine puke to make a presentation for my mom once. Do I hear a chorus of "If you were my daughter I'd kick your ass!" ? And let's not even talk about Kessler's, which may be smoothe as silk goin' down, but it's lumpy as metal shards wrapped in burlap comin' back up. Nilbo also commented:

Kinda why I avoid Lemon Gin. Put me off citrus fruit for years.

For all the pukin' I've done - and I'm kind of an expert at it - there are only two things I cannot, absolutely cannot, consume anymore as a direct result of tasting them while vomiting: Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and vodka. The PB&J aversion stems from an incident when I was seven years old, ate a PB&J sandwich, and then vomited in a grand and rococo fashion. It turned out to be the flu, and had not a thing to do with the sandwich, but logic plays no part in this. The association is now there, and to this day, I can eat peanut butter, or I can eat jelly, but dear sweet parasailin' baby Jesus, don't put 'em together if you mean to put it on my plate.

Then there's vodka. The sweet nectar of potatoes. Rasputin's holy water. 'Twas ruined for me at the age of 13. Again, the problem stemmed from the fact that my company for the night included Juanita, bad drinker, terrible friend, dumb twat. Juanita, Sue and I were out walkin' the mean streets of Grand Haven one night, lookin' for trouble, and we found it at the bachelor pad of several young men, all of whom were too old to be consorting with 13-year-old girls. A couple of the guys were probably aware of this, and they disappeared shortly after we arrived, I guess so as not to be liable if anybody decided to play hide the sausage with teenage girls.

The one dude who stayed was the object of Juanita's desire; he was just her type (male, breathing, use of both legs, etc.) and she wanted to make a move, in her completely clumsy teenage way. Juanita started to play a game where she and dude would draw cards, and if her card was higher than his, he had to kiss her. Yes, that's right - her lips were the punishment for losing. This was fine until dude decided that Sue and I should play, too, especially Sue (she was the cute one - I was the funny one, Juanita was the...um, the ugly, not-so-bright one). Unsurprisingly, Juanita did not like this change in the game one bit and declared an end to cards.

I suppose dude decided the next best way to get some from teenage girls was to provide access to alcohol. Well, what took you so long, my friend? He went to the kitchen and returned with a fifth of the cheapest of cheap vodka (I don't remember the brand name, but it had a red label. Anybody?) and some water glasses. No ice, no mixers. Crappy vodka and questionably clean glassware. Dude started to pour shots into the glasses, and when he got to mine, Sue volunteered, "You'd better give her a lot!"

"Yeah," Juanita helpfully piped in, "she's a hardcore drinker!"

There's no tellin' where they got that idea, but once they'd said it, I sure as hell wasn't gonna look like some wimpy, wussy little pussy of a drinker. When dude handed mine to me, almost a full water glass, I took it...and I gulped it. Gulped it, like hot jizz on a winter morning. Juanita, Sue, and even dude looked on with a new respect as I drained the glass and slammed it down on the table. God, I was cool. So very fucking cool.

Um...I don't really remember much after that, though I'm sure I was sick quickly enough after that little escapade that we didn't hang around long enough for dude to start jigglin' the jailbait. I'm pretty sure I threw up all the way home, a nice little trail in case we got lost and needed to find our way back to dude's house, and I would also put money on the fact that I threw up even more after Juanita and Sue had left me to the mercy of my parents.

So please don't ever offer me vodka. Even really expensive, hoity-toity, la-de-freakin-da, fru-fru vodka like Grey Goose. I am traumatized, and will make the association that vodka=nausea for the rest of my life. I just can't drink the shit.

Because I will Absolutly vomit.

Go on, tell me your drunken vomiting stories. You know you want to.

41 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Um. Eww.

A migraine back in my 20's led me to stay away from Chinese food for a while, and the flu made me stay away from hot dogs for a while, too.

Drunken vomiting stories? What makes you think I have any of those? I'm somebody's MOTHER for goodness sakes...

So, do you want to hear about the time I got sick at a wedding reception, or the time I was cleaning the house, or the time I got drunk just to see what it was like?

12:26 PM, January 04, 2006  
Anonymous torrie said...

See this:

http://iprettymuchhateeverything.blogspot.com/2005/07/whats-grosser-than-gross-during-my.html

12:32 PM, January 04, 2006  
Anonymous torrie said...

Sorry. Try this link:

http://tinyurl.com/cu799

12:34 PM, January 04, 2006  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

CKelli - all of the above, please. Especially the last one!

Torrie - Oh, I remember that story vividly! But how about one where YOU are the drunken puker?

12:41 PM, January 04, 2006  
Blogger Mike said...

I got vomiting out of my way early in life. My parents went away one night when I was 15 and left me alone in the house with a bottle of Early Times Bourbon. John Wayne drank it straight from the bottle, so why not me?

The answer to that question soon became obvious when I vomited up everything that I had eaten in the last 15 years.

To this day, the smell of bourbon makes me gag.

1:09 PM, January 04, 2006  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Me? Drunk vomitting stories? Ha! Like I have any.

*looks around to see if anyone fell for it*

2:01 PM, January 04, 2006  
Blogger Squirl said...

Hmmm, spurkling bargundy, eh? Where'd that phrase ever come from?

I think the vodka might've been Popov. Seems like that has a red and silver label, and is pretty darn cheap.

Do I know this idiot who got you do drunk? Probably not, but it's not too late to kick his ass.

2:01 PM, January 04, 2006  
Blogger dashababy said...

Bucky, I have too many puke stories.
But the very first time I got drunk was on Red Mountain wine. I think. I don't remember much except for waking up the next day in my own puke, in my own bed. I was 13. And I still hate wine to this day.

2:02 PM, January 04, 2006  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Mike - it's "Early Times" because you throw up right away, instead of waiting for later.

Mr. B - get a free hangover for lyin'...

Squirl - I'd never laid eyes on him before that night, and haven't since. Don't even remember his name, or even really what he looked like.

Hey, I was drunk.

Dashababy - yeah, these things are so hard to forget...

2:37 PM, January 04, 2006  
Blogger Ghost of Goldwater said...

I don't touch alcohol, so I don't have any personal stories, but I have to admit that one of the best things about being a teetotaller is watching drunk people making fools of themselves... and then be in a position to recall all the sordid little details afterwards.

As for vodka, the cheapest shit is sold in Russia. I was over there with my college class a few years back, and the other guys were thrilled to discover bottles selling at a ridiculously low price - but when they took the goodies up to the counter, the shop owner refused to sell them any. He told us that only Russians could stomach (literally!) this type of vodka, and that he could not in good conscience sell it to unwitting foreigners. So the guys settled for the almost ridiculously priced stuff, which they still managed to puke from.

2:48 PM, January 04, 2006  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

Peppermint, or any mint, schnapps.

I didnt puke, but the room spun for about 29 days and my bed somehow became a rolling ocean wave pool and I was stranded in the middle of it and couldnt seem to escape, and then just when I thought it would be better and all the moving stopped, I opened my eyes and found that someone was playing the bongos in my head.

Bastards. I was 20 and it was the first time I ever got drunk..

3:01 PM, January 04, 2006  
Blogger phsymom said...

While using alcohol previously I was not "puking" ill until the age of 17. A friend and I were on the way to a guy friend's bday party and stopped to pick up some cheap alcohol (age limit was 19 then and she looked old enough).

Soo, we picked up some Steidl's winecoolers in a CAN ... yes a can. The alcohol consumed that evening consisted of this fabulous drink and also some Sangria and cheap beer.

Somehow we all ended up laying on the trampoline in his back yard and the bouncing started the tummy to rolling. I ended up with my head handing down between two of the springs ralphing. Needless to say my hair got stuck in the springs and had to be cut out!

Memories .....

4:55 PM, January 04, 2006  
Blogger eclectic said...

Yeah... so, I get drunk and puke all the time. Yep, I do! Just for fun. Too many great stories to tell any of em! Yeah. In fact, I'm drunk right now and I think I'll puke just to prove it! Yeah, that's the ticket. I have TOO MANY stories, yes, too many... all with fantastic detail and technicolor vomit! YEAH!!


***nervously polishes her maryjanes and hopes no one recognizes her***

5:12 PM, January 04, 2006  
Blogger Squirl said...

I have had some nasty hangovers in my day. But puking is something that usually eludes me. I swear that sometimes I'd feel better if I could.

I found out last year that mussels seem to be the only thing that can make me actually throw up. Alcohol can't compare to that, I guarantee.

7:17 PM, January 04, 2006  
Blogger MilkMaid said...

Last weekend, white witches.

Liquor and any form of dairy should be banished from the earth.

That curdled cottage cheese crap was rough on the tonsils coming up.

7:44 PM, January 04, 2006  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

Oh, Bucky...you just had to mention peanut butter, didn't you?
Oof.
:::flashback:::
Four years ago:
Four homestyle GIN martinis,extra olives, as big as small fishbowls, on an empty stomach...oh, we haven't eaten. Too drunk to cook? No problem:
double-decker PB&J comin' down--and comin' right back up!
:::flashback over:::
Took me a week to fully recover.

7:49 PM, January 04, 2006  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Damn, Bucky! Now all I can do is picture your adolescent self perpetually on your knees with your head in a toilet bowl!

I avoid Scotch—even the smell makes me sick. Not because it caused me to vomit—I wish it had: I have never vomited from alcohol consumption (must be my Irish/German heritage?)—but because some idiot invited 100 guests to my studio apartment when I was a college sophomore and 90% of ‘em showed up. The hot date I had that night disappeared somewhere into the crowd and I never saw her again. So I ended up staggering around my apartment gulping Cutty Sark straight from the bottle(s).

I don’t know when the crowd left, but I do remember awakening on the floor of my apartment in the arms of two women from a neighboring college who I didn’t remember ever seeing before. I kept wondering why I didn’t have a hangover until I realized I was still drunk.

Now I avoid Scotch and stick to (sorry, Bucky) good vodka and excellent wines.

8:54 PM, January 04, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm thinkin your poison was Louis and Clark vodka--red/white label, very cheap, tastes like oven-baked asshole coming back up.
We drank some homemade screwdrivers (and by homemade, I mean a teeny drop of oj, and a gallon of vodka-L&C of course) and by the end of the night, in combo with several hits off of someone's
"cigarette" (ahem), I wound up with my best friend's barf on my borrowed shoes (they were hers), crawling to a tree so I could hold my head up enough to ralph. Then, I puked off her front porch, head between the rails, into the garden. She lived on Main Street. I passed out with my hair in a garbage can, hanging into my own puke. Awesome. We were 19, I am now 26, and I still cannot drink OJ. Oh, and there was that time drinking Busch Ice (c'mon, this is Montana), and I was stumbling to the potty, trying to hold off the vomit brigade, and I heard this loud crash. I opened my eyes and was lying prone on the kitchen floor. That was cool too.
--Montana Anna

9:07 PM, January 04, 2006  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

You wanted to hear my story... It's over at my blog.

9:46 PM, January 04, 2006  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

Tequilla. I can no longer do tequila.

10:34 PM, January 04, 2006  
Anonymous torrie said...

I have never puked from drinking!

11:02 PM, January 04, 2006  
Blogger Schmootzie said...

As a teen and into my 20's I would drink until I threw up.

It took a long time before I had the courage to admit that I was bolemic.

Actually, all of my friends nicknamed me "Zook" because of my huge consumption and frequent regurgatation.

The worst was Night Train and tuna. Stained a wall, wrecked a mattress.

Hey, want to see some hilarious anti-anti-Christmas stuff? I can't tell if it is real or not!

http://christiansunite.blogspot.com/

12:02 AM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Curtis said...

We once made up a drink called a bad girls' kiss. It contained bailey's, goldshlagger, and kalua. IE: BGK. Delicious, yes. Deadly after drinking a pitcher of them, indeed. I stayed in bed leaveing only to empty my stomach for 24 hours. Ah, good times, good times.

12:42 AM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

My god Torrie. Are you serious?! You either haven't drunk enough or you are a serious god!

1:35 AM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

I did a post about bats for you...

5:15 AM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Ghost - I think all vodka was designed to make the recipient vomit. That's why the first two letters are "vo"

Jess - don't feel bad. I started gettin' drunk when I was 12, and I still am not any better at it. I just know better than to drink 6 beers and a pint of whiskey now. I think.
Three words: drunken sushi-bar karaoke.

Phsymom - aaaaah, the joys of cheap wine and a trampoline. I'm a little queasy at the thought...

Eclectic - it's okay, really. No shame. We need a designated driver, you know.

Squirl - I guess that mussel dinner is out for your birthday this year, huh?

Milkmaid - EWWWWW! I can barely tolerate dairy anyway, but add booze to it? Pukefest! Curdled pukefest! What's in a white witch? And don't say "A wizard's dick!" :)

M_D - you should have had the olives first. Wow. Fishbowl martinis. Of course, I've been known to have the fishbowl margatini at Don Pablo's, so I will not throw stones. Might break the martini glass.

SS Nick - well, I'm Irish and German and I vomit from booze a LOT. So you must just have a strong stomach. ;)
I'll go with you on the excellent wine, but I will leave the top-shelf vodka to you.

Montana Anna - Ha! I love how you "heard this loud crash" and it was YOU! And nothin' like vomiting in full view of the town's main drag. That one goes in my "adding insult to injury" file. :)

CKelli - HA! Remind me to hide the wine coolers when you come over.

Kylz - my last grand drunken vomit-o-rama was tequila. I've not been put off it totally, but I don't have six margaritas at a time anymore, either.

Torrie - unfair! I declare shenanigans!

Schmootz - Night Train and Tuna? Why does that sound like a euphemism to me?
I'm fairly sure that site is a parody. Either way, it cracks me up to a totally undignified degree.

Curtis - Bad girl's kiss, indeed. Only a truly bad girl could make you take 24 hours to recover from her deadly smooch. ;)

Kylz - I am jillis of Torrie's nonpukingness.
And yes, that was quite a bat you encountered there...

9:22 AM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

I seriously doubt you even have wine coolers on hand... AND that was nearly 20 years ago... I've moved on to Captain Morgan now. :)

10:18 AM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Susie said...

Same as Torrie. I think I commented here before (or somewhere), the reason I quit drinking is because clearly, I did not have the internal regulators that would slow me down, punish me, etc.

Now, that site that schmootzie directs us to? HI-freakin'-LARIOUS. Except that the guy sometimes doesn't post for long periods of time because he's "stymied by the brilliance of our President." oh, someone help me up . . .

10:47 AM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Becky said...

I have SO MANY awesome druken vomit stories. Most of them occured between ages fourteen and twnty-one; I'm thirty now and these days I keep the puking to a minimum. But damn, I used to get my frow-up on pretty nastily back in the day.

The best was when I was 18 or 19. My then-boyfriend and I were at a party at his friend's house in Luck, Wisconsin. I wasn't really good at being social woth strangers yet at that age and I didn't know anyone at the party and wasn't doing a good job of making conversation. So I drank a lot of vodka lemondade (the pre-mixed shit, straight from the bottle) and glass after glass of the wop. Fucking gross.

My boyfriend went somewhere with his friends for a bit and I was stuck with all the people I didn't know and a lot of alcohol.

So, I ended up puking in the upstairs bathroom. I don't remember much. I do remember that my boyfriend found me later, passed out in a pile of my own vomit in the hallway just outside the bathroom.

Brushing the dried flakes of vomit out of my hair the next day was SUPER FUN.

11:01 AM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Michele in Michigan said...

I never puked after drinking, but that is probably because I wasn't a big drinker. I preferred da smoke once in awhile, mon hehehe

I came CLOSE to THINKING about getting sick when Boone's Farm Apple Wine and peanut butter sammiches were mixed with a little high school trip to Cedar Point Amusement Park in Sandusky OH. I made a mental note THEN to my future children: apple wine + peanut butter + roller coasters are NOT a favorable mix. My progeny have been duly warned.

In high school, I played a character named Bloody Mary in the musical "South Pacific." She was from Bali Hai. Lucky me discovered there was a Bali Hai wine, so of course I HAD to get it. Totally sucked, but became my trademark that semester lol.

11:05 AM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Michele in Michigan said...

Red label--could it have been Popov vodka? That was the cheapest thing in the liquor store when I made homemade Kahlua & bought it by the case one year :)

11:07 AM, January 05, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, I forgot one...Last year, to celebrate our engagement, my now-hubster and I went to Mexico. I made a deal with him long ago--I will only drink tequila if we are in Mexico. Well, it was my birthday. We were at an all-inclusive = free booze. The bartender heard it was my b-day and started making shots that looked like the Mexican flag and the American flag. The blue part in the American flag was Tarantula. I don't know what the green or red or even white was. I remember teaching the elderly couples in the bar (who were enjoying nice snifters of sherry)how to jitterbug along to the Mexican man playing a keyboard and singing American classic rock songs. I puked in the bar bathroom, walked into a closet thinking it was the exit, danced with a mop, pounded a few more shots, then hubby had to drag me to our room. I puked so hard there, I still can't find an earring. Don't puke in Mexico, as you can't drink water the next day, unless you want your stomach to twist into a ferocious, Mayan calendar-type representation and then have whatever's left shoot out your ass for the next week. Anyway, the next morning, okay, it was like 3:00, we went to the pool. I puked bile into the sand and scared the children who were painting pottery. And that was Mexico.
--Montana Anna

11:07 AM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Becky said...

Holy typos. I hate it when I do that. I know better than to not proofread.

From ages fourteen to eighteen, my friend Connie and I did a lot of drinking because we both had parents who would go out of town fairly regularly. The best was when I drank to much sloe gin and ate too many Funions and puked on the white rug in her mom's bathroom. My huge earrings silver dragon earrings (this was 1989 or so) were crusted with vomit when I woke up the next day.

But before waking up the next day to scrape the puke off my earrings, I managed to puke TWICE in Connie's bed (she shouldn't have put me back there after the first time) and spend the rest of the night sleeping in the bathtub, where they left me after stripping me down and giving me a shower because I was just that covered in puke.

We told her mom we spilled Kool-Aid on the rug. She bought it, until a couple of years later when we were busted for a party that had happened months earlier when her mom decided to vaccuum under the furniture and found an MGD bottle cap.

11:08 AM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Random and Odd said...

OHhhh honey, that requires a blog post...it's way too long.

I can't decide which one though...graduation where I fell asleep crouched over the toilet only to wake up with stiff arms and legs and soaked hair.
or the one where I decided to drink 7 kamakazi's with Jack and Coke chasers and I couldn't decide if I had to pee or puke worse?
Oh there was that time in Canada on Absenthe...

Yeah. I need to stop drinking.

1:29 PM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Nilbo said...

Frigging amateurs. Force me to recount my technicolour vomit story, why dontcha.

Lemon Gin. That was the drink of choice for minors when I was in junior high and high school. And one winter night, a bunch of us got hold of a bottle and retreated to Gord Wimble's place. (I love that I can tell this story and have honesty as my defence. Gord Wimble is now a President of a Major Investment Firm).

We had the Lemon Gin, but nobody thought to get 7Up or anything reasonable to mix with it. And, it being Winnipeg in February, it was -35 BEFORE you factored in the wind chill, and none of us had a car and it was snowing. So, what was at hand?

Gord, whose parents were out of town for the night, looked in his fridge and said "Welch's Grape Juice?" So, we tried. And it was vile - at least for the first drink. Second one was just fine. And after that it was the nectar of the GODS - why had we never thought to combine those two liquids before when they were obviously MEANT for one another?

Well. When the vomiting began - as you knew it would - Gord did yeoman's service in protecting his parents' house. Rather than have all of us horking into assorted sinks and toilets, he directed us out onto the back deck. Smart thinking - no telltale aroma of teenaged boy stomach contents, no problems with faulty aim resulting in wall or ceiling cleaning. Just out to the deck, grab the railing, and ... like a Shakespearean actor - PROJECT.

Gord's parents returned the next morning to observe the sparkling, virginal blanket of white snow that embraced the world did not extend to the area just off their deck. Purple snow, people. Purple, lumpy snow.

Gord was grounded for a month and I never again touched Lemon Gin. Or grape juice. And never will.

1:38 PM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Nilbo, Nilbo, Nilbo... you don't truly get technicolor until you combine a well-balanced dinner of skittles and Ballatore while cleaning the house...

"after I clean this room, I'll make myself some dinner" *skittles sip sip sip*

"ok, after I vacuum, this room, I'll make myself some dinner" *skittles sip sip sip skittles*

"ok, after I finish cleaning the bathroom, I'll make myself some dinner" *skittles skittles sip sip sip*

Not a good combo -- but hey, at least the house was clean!

Now THAT'S what I call tasting the rainbow, my friends...

2:39 PM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger hemlock said...

The one time I was actually ill from drinking...I made a decent scene.

Let's see it started off with red wine, then a zombie (what the hell do they put in those things? it tasted like shit), then a banana liquor and amaretto shot, then tequila, another B&A shot, more tequila, beer, champagne.

Why was I sick? I can't figure it out.

I thought I had just burped, but instead I puked all over a new friend's couch. Good thing it was just a Salvation Army couch, huh?

2:51 PM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Nilbo said...

Do I NEED to tell you why I can no longer be in the room while anybody is eating chocolate sauce on ANYTHING?

Mmmkay then.

But CK's Skittles story is impressive.

5:11 PM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Nilbo said...

By the way, from the title, I totally thought this post was about something entirely different.

5:12 PM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

Oh, I could go on, if it weren't so damn early in the morning and me, for once, with a full schedule ahead of me. But my latest drunken escapade is not only very recent, but a real doozie. Have you been reading "King Kong or Bust(ed)", Bucky? It's up to part 5 and not yet finished. I promise you won't be disappointed.

7:09 AM, January 06, 2006  
Blogger Nina said...

I tried to share a story or two . . . but I just can't. While I can deal with other people's puke or at least I should say when my kids were little I did okay with it. But just the thought of anytime I have puked can cause me PTSD.

5:43 PM, January 06, 2006  

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