Wax on, wax off

I'm the kind of girl who isn't afraid to admit that I will gladly pay a professional to perform many tasks in life with which I do not wish to be bothered.

Hungry? Take-out window.

Haircut? Oh, I've long since learned the lesson of "Thou shalt not cut thy own bangs." Learned it the hard, crooked way.

Horny? I watch professional porn, not that amateur stuff, while I burn out the motors on my small kitchen appliances.

Hairy? Get thee to a salon and submit to the wax.

I broke one of my own rules today when I bought a box of Nair Cold Wax Strips at Walgreens. But people - professional waxing is expensive! Not that I don't think it's worth every penny; when I consider what that poor girl has to see, up close, while she's ripping the hair by its tough little roots right out of my flesh, I know it would be cheap at twice the price. But when I saw the Nair strips for seven bucks, this crazy little voice in my head put its fishy lips up against my ear and whispered, "You could do it yourself and save lots of cash."

Why do I listen to the fishy lips of the crazy little voice in my head? Back I came from the store with the little red box in my hand (I mean the Nair, people!). In my head I had visions of me, triumphantly snatching patches of fur from my...well, in the area of....you know.

Of course, it was only after I had it home that I read the fine-print warning on the side of the friendly red Nair box.

As with any wax treatment, some discomfort may be experienced. No, really? I thought it would feel like a foot massage when I tore all the hair out of my monkey.

Never reapply wax on same area within a 24 hour period. Uhhhh...if your hair grows that fast, it's five o'clock shadow and you should just be shaving. Often.

Test before each use by applying the product to a small part of the area where hair is to be removed. Follow directions and wait 24 hours. If skin appears normal proceed. But...but...but...I want all the hair gone NOW!

Wax should not be used by people suffering from diabetes, varicose veins, moles, warts, and circulatory problems. But what if you're not suffering? What if you're actually enjoying your moles or varicose veins? What then?

Do not wax inside nose or ears, on nipples, perianal, vaginal/genital areas or eyelashes. Where do I start with this one? Why can't I wax my nipples with the cold strips? What about my Yeti-esque perianal region? Really, I think the front of the box should have carried a disclaimer, in large bold letters, that read something like "NOT FOR REMOVAL OF HAIR FROM MONKEYS AND TALLYWHACKERS, NOR STARFISH NEITHER."
I'm still figuring out the need for a warning to avoid waxing one's eyelashes.

If anyone needs me, I'll be attempting to turn my eyebrows into lightning bolts while my monkey disappears into the jungle.