the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

DONE!




















This was sent to me by a friend today, and it made me think of the new design on Susie's blog (Evil Uncle Dave pimped it propah). Now that Gumby can wave, I think it's safe to say he will get more action than ever. What better time to make sure he has protection? I mean really, folks - Gumby's tallywhacker is green. Do you really want that in you unwrapped?

And no, Gumby - I'm not sayin' there's anything wrong with your fuckstick.

But back to Susie's newly revamped and pimpified blog design. I was teasing her about her crying when they "moved the bus" and she and I had an email exchange about how this really was like "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" and may or may not have mentioned Ty Pennington in a somewhat extremely complimentary manner.

I have to confess, though: while I'm a big supporter of what the crew on that show does (home renovations for deserving people who couldn't possibly afford it themselves), I am not a fan of the show. I'm glad they do that stuff, don't get me wrong; but it just doesn't trip my trigger to watch something so...I don't know...heartwarming.

You know what show does it for me? Monster House. It's just fun to watch somebody's house being turned into a castle or a slice of ancient Egypt or a blues club or a mobster hangout. It's ridiculous and it's just what I need after work. Let foreman Steve Watson bring on his newly assembled crew each week and see how well they can slap this custom shit together on a deadline. I sit on the edge of the couch as the countdown clock draws us nearer and nearer the Friday midnight deadline, and shiver with barely repressed exhilaration whenever a job is completed and gets the big red "DONE!" stamp.

Plus, I will have to admit, and maybe this should have been on my list of guilty pleasures, I really get a kick out of it when the builders fight amongst themselves. It's obvious they go out of their way to pick a few personalities that are likely to clash on every crew. It's just plain entertaining to watch these guys irritate each other; there's always one guy who's not in any hurry until the last day, or one who hurts himself three or four times and has to leave each time for treatment, or one who takes it upon himself to tell the other builders how to do their individual jobs, all the while neglecting his own. I say "he" and "him" but there are also female builders on from time to time, which is fun, because you usually get to see her cry before the week's out. It's not unusual for the disagreements on the site to deteriorate into fisticuffs. It's like hockey without all the padding and rules.

I could never decide what my ideal monster house would be, although I'm fairly certain it includes a big-ass hot tub with lots of jets. Gumby house, maybe? Homies house? Play-Doh butt sex house?

What would you guys pick?

31 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Well, the ideal home makeover for you would have it all! Each room would have a different theme...

10:43 PM, February 01, 2006  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

How about the Munster’s house—updated with all modern conveniences including an Olympic pool-size hot tube? Of course, you’d have to evict Herman, Lily, Grandpa, Marilyn & Eddie. Or, would you?

12:16 AM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger eclectic said...

Gumby Rubbers -- in case things get a little... Pokey. The perfect party favor for every social gathering.

12:21 AM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger song said...

Australian renovation shows have much to answer for. the decorator is always gay and they always have a butch gardener/handygirl so they can say they are not sexually biased. But usually the handygirls wear short shorts so I'm not REALLY complaining.

But yeah, they change peoples gardens, or their houses, into new completely normal houses and gardens. Dammit, I want cable. Get me some mad mad house.

Of course I'lls ettle for some gumby rubbers

2:15 AM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger BobbleheadHillbilly said...

Wha... Play doh butt sex? They can build a house for that?

6:27 AM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger whfropera said...

BHB - if you build the house, they will come.

7:23 AM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Susie's site is darn spiffy, the condoms are a little iffy and I'd pick out the best darn design for a Caverna Cantina in a jiffy.

7:31 AM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger MilkMaid said...

Homies House, hands down.

With a big NICE laundry-O-mat.

And a Galaga machine.

7:34 AM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

Ohh my god! You have to send me some gumby rubbers!

7:52 AM, February 02, 2006  
Anonymous pokey said...

No, send them to ME. Do they come in THIS size?

POKEY

7:58 AM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger Mike said...

You know, I blame those damn home improvement shoes for making all that look so easy. I have been addicted to them for years. Problem is, I think I can actually do what they do, when in fact, I am a complete home improvement idiot and I have the scars to prove it.

Gumby condoms. Now there's an idea whose time has come.

I like the way that worked out.

8:16 AM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger Kat said...

Monster house is the best. So is In A Fix because they bash the spouse that hasn't done the home improvement and stick it to the wife that expects too much without helping at all. haha.

11:02 AM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger eviluncledave said...

I think the gumby rubbers are a great idea because, deep down, we've all got a little gumby inside us... and now we don't have to worry as much about where he's been.

11:13 AM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger Memphis Steve said...

" I say "he" and "him" but there are also female builders on from time to time, which is fun, because you usually get to see her cry before the week's out."

This just cracked my shit up!!!! You are SO funny!

11:57 AM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger Memphis Steve said...

By the way, did they ever actually show Gumby's house on that show? All I can remember is him and Pokey on what appeared to be a table top and the Blockheads would come after them with cranes and stuff.

11:58 AM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger Effie said...

can't think--laughing too hard...

12:30 PM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger limpy99 said...

I can't stop thinking of Eddie Murphy saying "I'm Gumby dammit!!" at the worst possible moment and ruining the mood.

Monster House is much better than the Ty Pennington one. How someone from the crew doesn't take a brick to Ty's head by Day 4 is beyond me.

12:48 PM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger Amy said...

That monster house sounds good. "It's ridiculous and it's just what I need after work."
THAT phrase, my friend, should be copyrighted.

1:55 PM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger Susie said...

Hmmm, apparently some of us have a little Gumby deeper inside us than others, EUD.

Bucky! pssst! C'mere! You do realize, it's his HAND that he's waving over at my place, right? Yea, just checking.

Well, this has been a most productive dalliance in my day. I learned a new word. It's not a word I can ever actually USE anywhere, but still, it's good to expand one's vocabulary.

And too bad you didn't have these, um, products, before my Grand Re-Opening. I could have handed them out, like balloons, to my visitors.

I guess I'm with CK. The multi-themed house would be best.

2:03 PM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger Squirl said...

Them rubbers is funny.

3:15 PM, February 02, 2006  
Anonymous Gumby said...

I may pursue legal avenues. I did not authorize this use of my name or likeness. (I did authorize it at Susie's place. Hi, Susie!)

3:55 PM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger Annejelynn said...

Gumby house, most definitely

5:46 PM, February 02, 2006  
Anonymous lawbrat said...

OMG that picture has me rollin'!

I think a house with the combination of all 3, plus the assless chaps, cant forget those.

7:19 PM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger dashababy said...

Are those for real? Too dang cute. I wanna see the Pokey ones.

7:51 PM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger mrtl said...

I can't respond to the makeover stuff... I was totally thinking you had doctored a pic of the Trojan box, and I can't get past that they're real.

They're real??

8:00 PM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

First of all, everyone will be disappointed to know that the picture in this post was sent to me by a friend and is, unfortunately, photoshopped. And having just spent a considerable amount of time online looking, it appears that no one makes Gumby condoms. Sorry to get y'all excited like that.

CKelli - Oooooh, I can't wait to have a monster bathroom!

SS Nick - Naw, I wouldn't kick the Munsters out. But Herman wouldn't be allowed to dance in the house.

Eclectic - heh heh heh always good to wrap the Gumby before the Pokey commences.

Song - yeah, I like the freaky renovations, like the Mardi Gras house. That rocked!

Bobblehead - I'm drawing up the blueprints for the Play-Doh Butt-sex house right now. The Fun Factory just got Funner.

Opera gal - even more compelling than a ball field, eh?

Mr. B - but would you use Gumby to wrap a stiffy?

MilkMaid - GALAGA! OK, I'm sold.

JDR - aaahhh, if they but only existed... *sob*

Pokey - I saw a site today that sold condoms in 55 custom sizes, so chances are they have THAT size, too.

Mike - I know it looks easy on TV, but I've hurt myself enough times to know it's just not a good idea for me to dabble where there are hammers and saws and such.

Kat - sounds like you like your home improvement shows evil, like I do.

EUD - you speak wisely. Gumby has also traditionally been a problem when it comes time for removal. He's built to enter easily, but then he hangs on like a little motherfucker when you try to pull him out. I think the condoms would hinder his movement enough to prevent that.

Memphis Steve - you remember way more about the show than I do! The same friend who emailed me the condom picture also sent me some Gumby DVDs - I'll have to check them out and see about the house thing.

Effie - I like your new avatar pic!

Limpy99 - you wonder how many brick-smashing scenes end up on the cutting room floor...

Amy - oh, it's so much fun! The bickering, the fistfights, the viking houses...it rules!

Susie - what word? Fuckstick? You wouldn't use that in everyday conversation? "Oh, that Gordon was being such a fuckstick about the donuts, I had to drive over his foot."

Squirl - *sigh* I only wish they were real and purchasable.

Gumby - get back in my ass, NOW!

Annejelynn - you know, the Gumby House could still have a Play-Doh Butt sex room. Just a thought.

Lawbrat - ooh, good point. Gotta have a chaps room. With furniture that won't be cold on a bare ass.

Dashababy - really, I think Pokey condoms make a lot more sense. And they'd be orange, so your man's tallywhacker would look like a giant Cheeto!

Mrtl - naw, we'd have to get a rogue condom maker to whip us up a custom batch. Hmmmm, I wonder...

8:37 PM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger whfropera said...

ah, Bucky. Ball fields have ballplayers.mmmm...
ok, now for something completely unrelated: for the first time in my blogging career, I wrote a real post, and you have Nils to blame for it! :)

8:42 PM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger Susie said...

YES! That's the word. And on behalf of all assembled here, allow me to thank you for your tireless efforts in trying to track down the product in question. You know we ALL wanted some. So -- are there any entrepreneurial types here who would like to pursue the rights to the Gumby condom? Clearly, it would be in high demand.

9:03 PM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger Mike said...

Bucky--I agree, hammers and saws and such are a major problem. But, for christ's sake, my kids gave me a nail gun. A Nail Gun. Can you imagine the carnage. Remember Marlon Brando in Apocolypse Now....the horror, the horror, the horror.

Yeah, it was that bad.

10:10 PM, February 02, 2006  
Blogger song said...

this post can go on my list of 101 things I shouldn't acces in a high school library. I'm not even going to try and get away with playing the audio post.

Mind you, where can i get me some gumbyrubbers?

2:45 AM, February 03, 2006  
Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

Hmmm... Play-Doh buttsex house, of course:)

So is the play-doh still soft or dried stiff?

6:27 PM, February 05, 2006  

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