Apropos of nothing
There are few things I find more grating than a boring or stilted conversation, an exchange that has gone beyond its useful purpose and is just awkward and it seems the only way to end it is to smash the other conversant with a brick, right upside the head. Come on, admit it - everybody has one at every office in the world.
Good conversation is essential to my life and mental health; bad conversation is like a plague of locusts delivered upon me. To that end, I have devised a few things that can be said by you, the conversation victim, to either end the talking right then, or at least to amuse yourself while the talk goes on. These can be shouted or whispered, depending on your comfort level with the dramatic tension.
- Can you tell I puked in here?
- My hair is multi-tiered and it's edible.
- (if you're female and talker is male) Wow, time to change that tampon!
- (while hacking, coughing, and digging a finger in your mouth) I thought I'd fished all those pubes out at lunch.
- Dime-sized hemorrhoids, boiling diarrhea, and rectal gonorrhea...could this get worse?
- Scrotum scrotum scrotum scrotum lovely tapdancing scrotum scrotum scrotum scrotum...
- There's a pretzel rod up my ass!
- I think they should put hostas in the bathroom so we can wipe with those big cushy elephant-ear leaves.
- Jizz patrol, start yankin'!
- You just can't get a decent urine-based drink around here.
And come to think of it, the hostas in the bathroom thing? Kind of a cool idea. Maybe aloe vera, too, for the pampered butt.
Katy Barzedor proclaimed this to be so at 10:24 PM
33 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':
Do you just think this shit up? I think I may turn straight for you.
And don't forget "Boy, LEATHER really makes me sweat!"
i totally went for the hostas line too!
bfe- this so has nothing to do with your post, but is one of the funniest things I have ever seen. make sure you read the linked articles in order.
http://tinyurl.com/8czz3
Oh lordy. I feel the need to add these to my daily lexicon of phrases.
"Man, that Monistat just doesn't work as fast as it used to!"
NO, Jim... that still won't qualify you for the Fruit Fly Award, so don't even try it. But I know what you mean. I was thinking maybe I'd turn gay for her, but Bucky'll probably keep bringing the gutter snark whether we're straight or not...
Bucky, I cannot imagine any conversation with you becoming boring. Of course, I don't know who else is talking, do I.
I have found, for ending the pointless conversations of the day, that silence speaks volumes. It's all about the body language. A well timed shake of the leg or fanning of the ass will usually do it.
It's your own fault Bucky. If you weren't so darn entertaining. I'd list of my pointers, but they're only for the pros.
These are all marvelous. Not sure which one I want to use first.
Jim - I'm currently listening to the Miss Gulch musical CD you sent me. Please don't turn straight for me. Stay just like you are and come be my gay man Friday.
"He is my man Friday through Thursday."
Opera gal - haha, but seriously - don't you think hostas would make marvelous additions to the bathroom?
Spamboylouie - aaaah, yes - Firesign Theater! Squirl and Tardist listened to lots and lots and lots of that around me when I was just little and impressionable. See what happened?
Opera gal - I think I may love El Guapo now.
Madame D - heh heh, yeah, the Monistat will usually clear a room too. And if you can produce a tube of it from your purse? Even better.
Eclectic - the gutter snark will never change. And if you're turning gay on my account, I'd realllly appreciate it if you didn't mention that fact to Mr. E. Those jealous-husband beatings just aren't as much fun as they used to be.
SS Nick - oh, trust me...I know a complete dullard or two. They trap me in my office, or corner me in public places...*sob* it's horrid! Just horrid!
JDR - I hope you're taking notes. 'Fess up, you work with people who need to hear this stuff, don't you?
Bobblehead - you sure you're not one of them mimes? Those silent motherfuckers!
Nikki - now, you are not somebody I would want to render speechless. I would never use these lines on you! :)
And thanks! Trust me, if I can figure out how to use Photoshop, anybody can.
Mr. B - oh, come on. You know there are some pros here!
Squirl - just make sure to use them one at a time. Any combination could be lethal, or at least cause massive nosebleeds.
Oh my goodness. I really hope none of my coworkers ever say anything like that to me -- for several reasons.
Bucky, you're a genius.
This list doesn't make me want to turn gay. Unless, maybe it makes me want to turn male, and then turn gay. I'm so confused . . . it does make me want to turn . . . but in which direction . . .
Hey, did Bloggy just say he saves his "pointer" for the "pros"?
Susie -- maybe you should turn in the OTHER direction? I dunno... just trying to help...
Hey now CK, take that back! Everyone knows I can't afford a pro!
The thought of wiping my ass with an aloe leave sends little wee butterflies up my spine...
not only would it slice your sphincter up good - the sap would burn it like a mofo!
Heeheehee. My friend has a couple she uses on airplanes. She often flies from the West Coast to here, which is a day-long ordeal, and when someone who looks like a talker sits down, she'll gesture towards the airsickness bag in front of them and say "Do you mind if I put yours in front of me? Once I get started, I find one isn't enough."
Alternatively, she will produce a notebook and say "Could you do me a favour? I have multiple personalities. Could you keep track of which ones come out during our conversation? Don't worry. Most of them are harmless."
On the opposite end of the spectrum, I have another friend who gets bored on airplanes. So if the person beside him starts a conversation, he'll let it slip that he's a psychiatrist. He's not, of course, but he has heard some amazing secrets over the years. People cannot resist.
You crazy HAB.
I personally said #4 yesterday.
Kidding.
shit.
Boiling diarrhea?? BOILING? Gah, my ass is clenching just thinking of it. I definitely must use some of these.
And here at my office, we actually have baby wipes in the shitters. (I'll check if they are aloe). Now, I know kids are all about in here, but c'mon, who hasn't wanted a soft, moist, and soothing wipe once in awhile? Anyone?
--Montana Anna
ahahahaha...this proves it, you should write fortune cookies.
The fortunes as told by Bucky-4-Eyes--seeer of all twisted and wrong...
LOL
I'm loving Mme Debarge's line "Man, Monistat just doesn't work as fast as it used to..."
Thanks for the advice. You provide a great service to the internet.
Is that pretzel rod salt or no salt?
Yanno, there's nothing quite like a shorn scrotummmmmmmmmmmmm:)
PS: Susie's avatar makes me wonder, out loud, how many people over the course of the decades since Gumby premiered on t.v., how many people have actually bent and used their flexible Gumbys as an "adult novelty toy."
nuggetmaven - you must be new to the Cotillion here - I think Bucky has an entire line of adult Gumby/Pokey DVD's out by this time.
Absolutely hysterical...
I love to laugh and be disgusted all at once :)
Perfect!
(I saw you in the blog spotlight feature from random and odd) :)
Congrats!
Bradley
The Egel Nest
I totally met a kid at a party once who used the pretzle line... and guess what? A quick drop o' the trau proved he wasn't joking.
ROFLMAO
Now I know why my dentist's office has a huge-ass hosta in their bathroom! Ewww...and it's a SILK one. Ain't no way you can scrub the funk offa THOSE leaves. Guess I'll have to stop using them as asswipe hehehe
Please don't put Gumby there. He's afraid of the dark. That is all.
Well, I thought I'd replied to more comments earlier, BUT NOOOOOO!
Sorry, channeling Belushi there for a second.
CKelli - I just don't think you could create an awkward enough space for somebody to have to whip these out.
Susie - if you turn male, and gay, you WILL be turning a different way: over.
CKelli - are you telling Susie to turn the other cheek?
Mr. B - well, you always seem to be able to afford my two dollars.
Alshrim - okay, you sound almost...I don't know, too familiar with the topic. Ahem. Anything you'd like to share with the class?
Nilbo - oh god, I must use the air sickness bag routine next time I fly. Your friends are both evil geniuses.
Pissy - you know, though, like Scarlett O'Hara was wont to say, when she wasn't making a gown out of her curtains, "Tomorrow is another day." And then she spit out a pube.
Montana Anna - haha, I wondered if "boiling diarrhea" was redundant. And I believe in treating my ass well, and if that means pampering it, then so be it. It's the only one I have.
MilkMaid - HA! I'd love to watch people open those, unaware. Could spoil a few meals...I like it!
Effie - I promise, I'd totally warn you before I let you crack open one of those fortune cookies!
Torrie - hey, it's the least I can do for the community that put me in assless chaps.
Chia - I guess these should be held on reserve for people who are too dense to understand the potty dance.
Girl.A - you know I prefer the salt, for traction, but my doctor's ordered me to start using salt-free pretzels in my ass.
Nugget - I have to admit, Gumby is rather anal-probe shaped.
Mike - that is a beautifully simple approach.
I used to work with this guy who was a total loser personality, and I also happened to know he harbored a lot of unfounded resentment of non-white people. For some reason, he would always just hang around my desk and drone on and on and on (and fart - I am not kidding). So, I found that when I had reached my breaking point (two minutes), I would turn up my speakers and play James Brown "Say it Loud - Im Black and I'm Proud!"
It cleared him out immediately, every time.
Like I needed another reason to love James Brown.
Opera gal - oh, let the young'uns have their illusions! ;)
Bradley - thanks for visiting! I do dish out a lot of disgusting here...
But it's nothing compared to my cooking.
Hanni - okay, I was trying to think up a clever response to that, but all I can do is picture is and go
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!
Michele in Mich - see, their heart is in the right place, but they need to understand that only real plants will do for ass wipery.
Susie - oh, you might be surprised by what Gumby likes in the dark.
So you liked that, did you Bucky?
Well I'm going to do you one worse - the girl who threw the party, she totally hit that.
I wasn't an eye witness, but I assume that the pretzels - oh yes, there were multiple - were removed before the twosome got busy bumpin' uglies.
Even though Gumby IS anal probe-shaped; I think it would add to the irony if a bendy Pokey would be used for the aforementioned probin'.
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