Confessions of a first chair

Whenever I see a musical instrument that's all white, or white with black accents, I automatically name that instrument "Casper." My first electric guitar, so cheap it didn't even have a brand name, was a Casper. It's not that I'm unduly fond of the friendly ghost, no offense to the little ethereal motherfucker. No, this all stems from my short but memorable stint playing string bass in junior high school. The school had a white fiberglass bass which I was allowed to keep at home for extended periods of time - that bass was nicknamed Casper (actually, that applied to any white fiberglass bass in the school system; Squirl used to bring home the high school's Casper when she was in the orchestra, too). The sound wasn't like what you could get out of the wood basses, but it sure was sharp to behold.

Thinking about Casper got me to wondering what my life would've been like if I hadn't been such a lazy, rebellious little turd, if I hadn't dropped out of orchestra after seventh grade, if I'd accepted that invitation to play bass for the West Shore Youth Symphony. Chances are I'd have gone on to be a music major in college, and I'd be making my living as a classical musician now. I don't know what the pay scale is for that, but it sounds like a pretty fulfilling line of work. I wouldn't even be bitchy about the clothes now like I was in junior high.

Of course, my continued employment would be completely dependent upon my ability to keep secret the fact that I'd be back there behind my bass, making up dirty lyrics to Mozart and drawing penis pictures on my sheet music. Also, busting out the rockabilly moves with the string bass would probably be ill advised, although I think some strategic spinnin' and slappin' would give a real boost to any performance of the 1812 Overture.

Maybe I'll just start my own orchestra. We'll include all the standard instruments, of course, but we'll also throw in some of our own embellishments, like kazoo and electric accordion. All the musicians will be wearing wifebeaters and boxer shorts (and bedroom slippers; this is a classy operation). I would really like to have strippers onstage, too, but that might be beyond the initial budget...unless the strippers are also the accordion players. Oh, but that could be quite pinchy; the details will need to be ironed out on that one.

The instruments would all be painted with fluorescent colors so the concerts could be held under black light. It'd be just like glow bowling, but with classical music and no balls. The conductor would use a glow stick, and we'd give everyone in the audience a hit of Ecstasy; that way, they'd love us no matter how much we suck. Hell, everybody in the orchestra would probably get laid after the show at that rate!

Challenges for position within the orchestra would henceforth be decided by the outcome of sword fights using French bows (it's advisable to borrow your weapons from the cellists). Eye gouging is not only permissible, it's recommended. Do you really want first chair or don't you?

If you believe you would be interested in becoming part of the Cotillion Symphony, applications can be obtained by buying me a nice big plate of crab legs and some expensive wine. Oral sex is never a bad strategy, either.