the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Friday, June 22, 2007

Rough draft

"All the Dude ever wanted was his rug back."
The Big Lebowski


All the bitch ever wanted was a drafting table.

I want to paint, I need somewhere to do it, and a drafting table sounded like my best all-round solution for that which I loosely call artwork. So off I went to Hobby Lobby, where I found the most beautiful little wooden drafting table with a matching stool for $99.

Lately, I have been afflicted with Badly Made Furniture, whereby the "ready-to-assemble" pieces are no more ready to assemble than a priest is ready to take his dick out of the altar boy's mouth. I thought I'd found the absolute biggest pile of crap in the world when I bought a nightstand at Meijer, which I was able to assemble only in the broadest of terms, and which looked like it had just come home after a three-day bender. I couldn't even get the drawer assembled; luckily, Tardist came over and employed his brute strength to get even the drawer in place. I was certain that I'd hit rock bottom and would never again find such a piece of shit masquerading as something useful for my household.

That, of course, was before I opened my Hobby Lobby drafting table.

Really, I should've known something was amiss when I began to pull the pieces out of the box and found a stray screw, just chilling with no apparent purpose. Upon taking an inventory based upon the "instructions" (this is where I would insert a highly sarcastic and slightly bitter laugh), I could see that the screw wasn't part of the hardware package, and it didn't match anything in there, so it wasn't a spare. It remained a mystery until I looked at the underside of the table top. There were supposed to be supports already attached, but everything on there was just about to fall off, and I could see from whence my orphaned screw had originated. When I tried to refasten the supports, the screws just turned and turned and never tightened; it was like fucking the Grand Canyon with a pencil. Reasoning that I could just buy some bigger screws and fix it, I continued to hold out hope that this would actually be furniture sometime within the month. Soon, however, I realized that most of the screws were the wrong size for their designated holes, and even the legs and such with the little wooden pegs would in no way, shape, or form fit where they were supposed to fit. I've never seen a bigger clusterfuck in one box.

I went online and ordered a new drafting table, like I should have done in the first place. I put that one together yesterday, and wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles, all the pieces fit just like they were supposed to! Consequently, I spent three hours last night painting, for the first time in at least 15 years. I couldn't even tell you the last time I used acrylics; maybe 25 years ago? Yes, I should absolutely be painting my house instead of a canvas, but you know what? Fuck that! Don't you know this is National I Don't Give a Shit Week?

This afternoon, I returned the drafting unable table to Hobby Lobby, whereupon I spent my refund on some brilliant new shades of paint which I am too lazy to mix myself from primaries. I should be having my first gallery show...oh, let's see...that would be about the time hell freezes over.

On my way home from Hobby Lobby, some tweaker cunt in a Chrysler New Yorker nearly ran my car off the road. I don't know what her motive was, but without benefit of a turn signal, a glance my way, or even a gesture of "Here I come!" she pulled her rustbucket right into my lane; if I hadn't hit the brakes, we'd have activated our Wonder Twin powers right there on southbound US-31. Oh, man, was I pissed! As I rode up on her sorry ass, I thought of all the ways drivers like her should be punished, and I decided on the ultimate torture: I will run her off the road, yank her bony ass out of her car, and force her to assemble Hobby Lobby drafting tables for eternity.

Forgive and forget? That's for pussies!

15 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Bone Machine said...

To borrow from Corrosion of Conformity's Vote With A Bullet:

"Forgive and forget, fuck no."

Lebowski Fest is in Louisville sometime in July. Th' Legendary Shack Shakers are playing this year.

4:25 PM, June 22, 2007  
Blogger here today, gone tomorrow said...

Let's get this out of the way first. All my hard-won Buddhist equanimity goes out the window, and the raging, vengeful, Italian Catholic my mother tried to raise me to be comes out BIG TIME when people pull that no turn signal bullshit. She got off easy.

Second, The Big Lebowski. One of the best movies. Ever.

Third, never mind the living room. And yes, we want to see the painting.

7:11 PM, June 22, 2007  
Blogger Lynn said...

I can see I'm really going to have to get off my lazy ass and go rent The Big Lebowski.

8:03 PM, June 22, 2007  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

Where I live, hardly anyone uses their turn signal. It's maddening!

9:31 PM, June 22, 2007  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Bone - LOVE the Shack Shakers!

HTGT - I'm letting you ride shotgun next time.
And does that mean you'll come to my gallery showing?

Lynn - You will not regret it! Your life will be richer for knowing the Dude.

M_D - Well, if I use my turn signal, then everyone will know where I'm going, and we can't have any of that!

8:06 AM, June 23, 2007  
Blogger Squirl said...

Yes, Jeff Bridges was definitely the Dude. Saw that one at the theater.

I love your new table. And everyone will be so jillis. I've seen the painting. :-)

F the frickin' bitch. I try not to lose my temper in traffic, but I can't seem to help myself.

8:34 AM, June 23, 2007  
Blogger Ortizzle said...

Hobby Lobby table: been there, done that. Loved the loose screw wandering around. There is always some weird little thing in those cheap-o, assemble-it-yourself kits. Invariably, it is the one thing that keeps the entire piece of furniture from standing.

The driver: I've switched from flipping the finger to making the sign of the cross in front of people like that. It inspires an entirely different reaction. IF, of course, they even see you. Why don't the cops go after asshats like that instead of giving tickets for having your front wheels 2 cm. over the white line at the intersection while you are waiting at traffic light which you didn't run?

1:55 PM, June 23, 2007  
Blogger here today, gone tomorrow said...

Girlfriend, I'll walking up and down the sidewalk with the sandwich board on - Bucky 4 Eyes Fine Art - AND serving the fine chardonnay at your gallery opening! Make it so!

12:19 AM, June 24, 2007  
Blogger candy said...

national i don't give a shit week was THIS week? i thought it was last week... and next week. geez, i'm been celebrating that every day!

you know that really bad rap song s couple months ago "laffy taffy"? i like to see "hobby lobby" instead whenever i pass one.

12:26 AM, June 24, 2007  
Blogger candy said...

WOW, i can't type tonight! ^^see=sing

12:26 AM, June 24, 2007  
Blogger eclectic said...

Having to assemble bad kit furniture has got to be one of the levels of hell. Gah. Perfect punishment for bad driving. Brilliant! And Mo-Dis is correct: they just DON'T signal here. PISS. Me. Off. Makes me wonder if the dealerships around here charge extra for turn signals?

2:47 PM, June 24, 2007  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

If I’d know you wanted a drafting table I’d have given you mine!

It’s sitting, already assembled, in my mother’s finished basement… until Tuesday. Mom has sold her house and everything left in it is either going to relatives’ homes or in the dumpster. Since I have no room or use for the drafting table (why else would it be in Mom’s basement?) it will either go to one of my son’s homes or in the garbage.

Therefore, my dear Bucky, you could have it, although getting it would require a trip to Louisville and for what the gas to do that would cost, I sure you could purchase several drafting tables.

7:54 PM, June 24, 2007  
Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

Nobody told you? EVERY week is National Don't Give a Shit Week!

Paint, girl, paint!

Hallefuckinglulliah!

7:25 PM, June 25, 2007  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

http://lebowskifest.com/6thannual.asp

12:34 PM, June 29, 2007  
Anonymous It's Me... Maven said...

Did I ever share this link with you?

Dudeism.

1:45 PM, July 05, 2007  

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