the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Close encounters of the schlong kind

I spent last evening in the presence of a true legend.

Of course, I mean my sister Squirl, just off the plane from Alaska (and still remarkably fresh!). And while I was basking in the glow of her flash-frozen squirliness, we also managed to attend a debate featuring none other than The Cock of the Walk himself, Ron Jeremy.

(If you don't know who Ron Jeremy is, you should be ashamed of yourself. Please go read his Wikipedia article, and then come back.)

Ron Jeremy and a pastor named Craig Gross are on a short midwest-eastern U.S. tour called The Porn Debate. Although I will readily admit to having viewed perhaps more than my share of porn, I don't necessarily disagree with what Gross does, and neither does Ron: Gross has a ministry that specializes in helping people overcome porn addiction. He's not trying to shut down the industry, he just wants to offer help to those who feel they need it. So he's not a bad guy, and he's not foaming at the mouth or anything. Likewise, Ron Jeremy isn't some idiot sleazebag who's standing at the podium yelling, "Porn RULES! I'll fuck anything that moves! Who wants to see my MASSIVE SCHLONG?"

Ron Jeremy:  The porn debate
Ron Jeremy, penis safely tucked behind his podium.

Tardist, Theirzal and I drove to the show together, and we got there early enough (and waited in line for what seemed like a Twinkie's half-life for them to open the doors to the back bar) to grab a table right in front of Ron's side of the stage. I'd figured before the show that the place would probably be packed with porn fans, but I'd forgotten that I'm in west Michigan now; there were lots and lots of people there who were vehemently anti-porn. Personally, the debate wasn't especially the reason I was there; I just wanted to drink in the aura of a Porn Legend in person, and I've been a fan of Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy for as long as I've been watching hardcore (which, if I really want to depress myself, would be about twenty-four years). I'm not sure if Pastor Craig has the same kind of cult of personality in his world, but he definitely had a strong following there, holding his flyers that read, "Don't spank that monkey!" on one side and "Stop flogging that dolphin!" on the other.

Squirl grabbed a cab at the airport and met us at the club, arriving during Ron's opening remarks, so she didn't miss a lot of the debate. Basically, since Ron agrees with what Gross' ministry is doing, they bring Gross' personal views on porn into the picture so they actually have something about which to argue. I have to tell you, I was more hot after the pastor's opening remarks than I was after anything the porn actor had to say; Gross read off a list of the most perverse movie titles he could find, and after hearing the word "anal" in endless variations falling from his boyish lips, I must admit that if I'd stood up at that particular moment, the gap between the chair and my happy clam would have looked remarkably like when you break off the first piece of hot pizza and the mozzarella cheese streeeeeeeeeetches but doesn't break.

Pastor Craig Gross:  The porn debate
Give it to me, baby - Uh huh, uh huh!

Gross' opinion of porn is that it just shouldn't exist, because it isn't healthy for anyone of any age, and he considers magazines like Maxim and Stuff as "training wheels" for the unrealistic expectations of pornography. He believes masturbation is wrong, that the porn industry does nothing for women but degrade them, and that fantasizing about someone other than your spouse during sex (with your spouse, of course) is unfair to your partner. I don't really have a problem with his opinions - he's absolutely as entitled to think all those things as I am to think that porn is a great companion for the dateless or for couples who want to get new ideas. My only problems with anything he said were when he would make sweeping generalizations about the adult entertainment industry, or when he kept trying to link Internet kiddie porn to the adult film industry. He also doesn't seem to think that any woman could actually like porn, or enjoy anal sex (again with the buttsex...I think he was trying to hit on me).

When Ron made his opening statement, one of his points was that some women do indeed enjoy taking it in the coal chute. He said he didn't want to embarrass any of the women in the audience, and then asked for a show of hands by any women "who know someone who said someone she knows likes anal sex." A great showing of hands shot up, followed by some hearty laughter from everyone, including the pastor. Ron proved that his brain is every bit as huge as his schlong (which, in the final question of the evening, he informed us was 9 and 3/4"), as he took notes point by point on Gross' opening statement and then rebutted each in turn. ("Rebuttal"...is that going back for more anal?)
He refused to take the "kiddie porn on the Internet" bait, and pointed out that the adult film industry has no control over who posts what on the Internet, and that anybody in the room could commit a crime, videotape it, and post it to YouTube; would the porn industry somehow be responsible for that? He also showed a letter from the FBI thanking one of the adult film studios for helping them to track down and prosecute a child pornographer; it seems the porn industry has no more tolerance for pedophiles than the rest of us do.

Ron Jeremy:  The porn debate
That manila folder is crammed with clippings that Ron used to bolster his arguments, although he had to have the moderator read aloud some of the ones with smaller print. Hey, maybe all that jacking off does have an effect on the eyesight!

When the formal part of the debate had finished, assistants with microphones roved the room and took questions from the audience. Some of the folks had a hard time getting to their point, but I do remember one girl who took issue with Gross' remarks about how porn studios entice actresses into more and more perverse sexual acts by making a sliding scale for pay according to the difficulty or potential discomfort of the deed in question (and he, not for the first time in the night, took the opportunity to use the phrase "double anal" here); the questioner pointed out that in any business in a capitalistic society, the rewards are generally higher for greater effort or risk, so why should the adult film industry be any different?

There was a pretty girl in a gorgeous white dress sitting at our table, and she disappeared as the microphones traveled the room. I realized that she had gone over to one of the mikes, and her question began, "I hate porn, I really really hate porn..." and went on to be not so much a question as a laundry list of why she was so offended by filthy films and images. Ron was talking to her, very respectfully, from his podium, when a few porn fans in the audience started trying to drown her out. Ron got pissed and yelled, "Hey! Let her talk! She has a right to hate porn!"

So, all things considered, it was actually a pretty civilized affair; I came away with a new appreciation of Ron Jeremy from the neck up. There was a meet and greet afterward, but we decided to leave when we saw the long line; Squirl had, after all, endured about ten hours in airplanes and airports, and she was good and ready to go home by that point. I apologize for the crappy quality of the pictures, but I'm always nervous about taking my D50 to shows, for fear of being asked to *gulp* put it back in the car. So, it's Kodak C530 photos for you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find DVD copies of Faster Pussycat Fuck! Fuck! and Honey We Blew Up Your Pussy 2.

Ron Jeremy:  The porn debate
I shit you not, it's THIS big.

11 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Anonymous Ortizzle said...

Didn't know who he was, so I read the Wikipedia article which says that in his younger, pre-paunch days he was capable of autofellatio. So I guess he really must, er, measure up to what he says he is.

6:30 PM, August 08, 2007  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

Awesome! :oD

7:14 PM, August 08, 2007  
Blogger here today, gone tomorrow said...

Absolutely fascinating. (ortizzle - "Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy" is a pretty interesting documentary. I think it had a clip of him autofellating.) I have a lot of thoughts about this, but then I'd be blogging on your blog, Bucky. I'll just leave it at "thank you" for sharing so much of this very interesting event.

9:30 PM, August 08, 2007  
Blogger Susie said...

Very interesting. I'd never heard of the pastor. Gee. I have strong feelings about this stuff, but like htgt, don't want to blog on your blog. Not like I've never done that, but . . . I see many sides of the issue. Over the past several years, during the course of providing marriage counseling, some of the saddest, truly most heartbreaking stories I've encountered are those that have involved porn addiction. For a very long time, therapists advocated the use of porn for couples, as you've suggested, Bucky. Problem was, they were doing this long before anyone had any idea that some people truly are vulnerable to addiction in that area. It amounted to recommending booze for relaxation, to someone who turned out to be genetically and environmentally predisposed to alcoholism. And then, for the longest time, professionals refused to accept that there is such a thing as porn addiction. Because they couldn't separate the addiction question from a morality question, and God forbid (slight pun intended) that mental health professionals consider morality. Porn addiction (often co-existing with sex addiction) is, IMO, the most insidious addiction. You always have your brain and your genitals with you. Abstinence is devastatingly difficult. The partner of a porn addict is profoundly shamed, believing that their loved one appears to "prefer" electronic or print lovers to her or to him. No joke, it's heart-wrenching. Short version: some people can handle porn and keep it in its place, whatever that place is in their lives, and some can't. And there's no predicting of which type someone's going to be. I will also say that once someone is addicted, it is the evangelicals/fundamentalists -- you know I'm a Christian, but not that flavor of one -- but they're the ones who know how to help someone in trouble, with a very supportive group approach, emphasizing accountability, honesty, etc. This is an area in which I've worked a lot, and the psychology/psychiatry mainstream still doesn't really get it, for the most part.
If anyone's reading this and wanting help, but not wanting religion along with it, find Dr. Patrick Carnes' books. He is one psychologist who does get it.
Whew. Thanks, Bucky! Sorry to take up your space; it's an area in which I've done a lot of work, and I have a lot of compassion for those who are trapped in it.

10:22 PM, August 08, 2007  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Don't get me wrong - I may enjoy porn myself, but I think it's a wonderful thing that if someone needs help with an addiction to it, that there is somewhere to go for help. In that respect, I totally agree with and admire what Pastor Craig is doing. My problem is with people who want to condemn the adult entertainment industry by linking it to kiddie porn, much in the same way that some opponents of gay rights automatically link homosexuality to pedophilia.

10:33 PM, August 08, 2007  
Anonymous Madame D said...

I. Am so. Jealous. You got to be in the same room as Ron Jeremy's cock.
I gotta say, that Pastor was pretty hot. Too bad he's so vanilla. Sigh.

10:37 PM, August 08, 2007  
Blogger eclectic said...

Porn, schmorn... Yay! Squirly's safely home!!

1:37 AM, August 09, 2007  
Blogger Mike Stewart said...

Hmmm...that comment under Ron Jeremy's picture that says "maybe all that jacking off does have an effect on your vision" (and yeah I know you weren't serious!)...I've been jacking off since I was 12 and am 66 now (still doing it too!) and have 20/20 corrected vision so what mom and all those bible thumping Republicans told me was definitely not true. I'm not quite crazy yet either although some may argue with that point.

As far as porn I love the good stuff but most of what's out there today is absolute SHIT! Ah for those days of jacking off in the back row of the Pussycat Theater while John Holmes was slipping the big schong to Annette Haven! Now that was art! "Big Titted Italian Babes Who Take It Up the Poop Chute Volume 27" or "Gagging Bitches From the Hood Volume 86". Uhhh...no thank you I'd rather beat my meat to Katie Couric!

11:46 AM, August 09, 2007  
Blogger Squirl said...

Bucky, you flatter me. And you kept my yard alive!

Ron Jeremy was very well prepared and very well spoken. The rev provides a good service for people who need it.

It was a fun show. I still can't get that high-pitched voice out of my head, though. "I hate porn!"
Hm, maybe she never saw anything with boats.

4:10 PM, August 09, 2007  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

What is this...this... "porn" of which you speak?

12:06 PM, August 10, 2007  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

What an essay, Bucky. Excellent!

As for porn, let us establish a study group to discuss the classics, such as Marilyn Chambers in “Behind the Green Door” and Linda Lovelace in “Deep Throat.”

10:12 PM, August 10, 2007  

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