the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Wax on, wax off

I'm the kind of girl who isn't afraid to admit that I will gladly pay a professional to perform many tasks in life with which I do not wish to be bothered.

Hungry? Take-out window.

Haircut? Oh, I've long since learned the lesson of "Thou shalt not cut thy own bangs." Learned it the hard, crooked way.

Horny? I watch professional porn, not that amateur stuff, while I burn out the motors on my small kitchen appliances.

Hairy? Get thee to a salon and submit to the wax.

I broke one of my own rules today when I bought a box of Nair Cold Wax Strips at Walgreens. But people - professional waxing is expensive! Not that I don't think it's worth every penny; when I consider what that poor girl has to see, up close, while she's ripping the hair by its tough little roots right out of my flesh, I know it would be cheap at twice the price. But when I saw the Nair strips for seven bucks, this crazy little voice in my head put its fishy lips up against my ear and whispered, "You could do it yourself and save lots of cash."

Why do I listen to the fishy lips of the crazy little voice in my head? Back I came from the store with the little red box in my hand (I mean the Nair, people!). In my head I had visions of me, triumphantly snatching patches of fur from my...well, in the area know.

Of course, it was only after I had it home that I read the fine-print warning on the side of the friendly red Nair box.

As with any wax treatment, some discomfort may be experienced. No, really? I thought it would feel like a foot massage when I tore all the hair out of my monkey.

Never reapply wax on same area within a 24 hour period. Uhhhh...if your hair grows that fast, it's five o'clock shadow and you should just be shaving. Often.

Test before each use by applying the product to a small part of the area where hair is to be removed. Follow directions and wait 24 hours. If skin appears normal proceed. But...but...but...I want all the hair gone NOW!

Wax should not be used by people suffering from diabetes, varicose veins, moles, warts, and circulatory problems. But what if you're not suffering? What if you're actually enjoying your moles or varicose veins? What then?

Do not wax inside nose or ears, on nipples, perianal, vaginal/genital areas or eyelashes. Where do I start with this one? Why can't I wax my nipples with the cold strips? What about my Yeti-esque perianal region? Really, I think the front of the box should have carried a disclaimer, in large bold letters, that read something like "NOT FOR REMOVAL OF HAIR FROM MONKEYS AND TALLYWHACKERS, NOR STARFISH NEITHER."
I'm still figuring out the need for a warning to avoid waxing one's eyelashes.

If anyone needs me, I'll be attempting to turn my eyebrows into lightning bolts while my monkey disappears into the jungle.

36 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger I'm not here. said...

That sucks!
Guess I won't be buying that for my monkey...must browse online for products better suited for that area. Will let you know my findings. :o)

10:37 PM, February 08, 2006  
Blogger Effie said...

I tried the nair in the nether regions once and that stuff BURNED!!! Never again!

10:42 PM, February 08, 2006  
Blogger I'm not here. said...
Cut and paste, and ye shall see...
Hope this helps. :o)

10:46 PM, February 08, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

heh heh..wacks off. said WAX off..nevermind.

Good luck on the monkey plucking, bucky...that sounds cool..monkeypluckingbucky.

11:02 PM, February 08, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

I'm damned glad the only body part from which I have ever removed hair is my face and I have worn a beard for 34 years.

11:54 PM, February 08, 2006  
Blogger eclectic said...

Get thee to a salon.


11:58 PM, February 08, 2006  
Blogger Closet Metro said...

after all of the places that they said you can't use it, is there anything left that you actually can?

12:47 AM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger Annejelynn said...

SURGIWAX is the way to go, for self-waxing. No strips! painful nonetheless - come on, yer wripping hairs out of a sensitive spot(s)!

3:07 AM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

I'm pretty sure that's not what Mr. Miyagi had in mind. He too would have disapproved of your purchase for your package.

Why not get some of those tiny, blunt, school scissors and go mowhawk?

7:20 AM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger Susie said...

I'm just here to join Jim, in saying "WACKS OFF," because, that's funny, right there. Hi, Jim! Jim, why won't you wave back to me?

7:55 AM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger Lushy said...

That's all I'm sayin.

8:55 AM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

Heh, just stopping by to say "Hi!" I can see you're busy... I'll come back another time...

9:17 AM, February 09, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's no way this can end well.

9:44 AM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger LadyBug said...

Thou shalt not waxeth the monkey!

That's the eleventh commandment, you know.

9:47 AM, February 09, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

BUCKY: While doing the oh so fun "let me take the girls to pick out their Valentines before they nag my last nerve" you will never believe what I saw. Homies Valentines-at Wal-Mart-I kid thee not.


9:51 AM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger Squirl said...

Bucky, I have only one word for this post: OW!

10:21 AM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger KULA said...

Bucky, don't do it! The store stuff is cheap for a reason, because, you have to do it to yourself, and that's never pretty! I pay the money happily for waxing!

11:07 AM, February 09, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too despise the home wax (not that anywhere around here does the politely-named bikini wax, when let's be honest--they'll wax your starfish too) because last time I tried it, some of the wax didn't come off. You don't want leftover wax on your monkey. It's not a good look. You may try to shave to compensate, then it's uneven, so you take a little more off, then a little more off the other side, then voila--bald monkey. Perfect for the molester in you.
--Montana Anna

11:18 AM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger dashababy said...

So what are the strips for then if you can't wax any of the above mentioned areas? It didn't say you can't wax your toes tho.
Will there be pics? That's what I wanna know.

11:34 AM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger limpy99 said...

I'd comment, but I can't hear anything since my ears are stuffed with Nair wax.

12:09 PM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger Mahala said...

I used the NADS brand once. I still have the whole container under the bathroom sink, five years later. THAT SHIT IS BRUTAL. Where my daughter used it .. once.. on her lower leg, the hair has never grown back.

12:23 PM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger Pissy Britches said...


1:13 PM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger dashababy said...

romani heart, can you use NADS' on the nads is what I want to know?

2:01 PM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger Opera Gal said...

yeah, who was the marketing genius who thought up that name?

2:24 PM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger Amy said...

i liked the "enjoying not suffering" part. People are too negative about diabetes and varicose veins these days.

You are fun BUcky. You and all your parts.

2:49 PM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger Memphis said...

Hey Monkey Yeti, come visit my blog. It's HNT today and I've gone all out. I need a professional opinion.

4:17 PM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

Allow me to expand on Amy's comment:

You and all your hairy or non-hairy parts are fun, Bucky. :)

4:17 PM, February 09, 2006  
Blogger Mahala said...

dashbaby: I never really thought about it.. luckily I don't have any lol. They'd look funny hanging out of the leg of my granny panties!!!

10:32 PM, February 09, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ohh Bucky, I have the WORST most embarrassing story about trying to wax the nether regions myself. I am not religious, but if there is a god, I am hoping that he/she is there with you.


7:03 AM, February 10, 2006  
Blogger Jomama said...

Delurking after a long commenting hiatus to say I'm with all of the people who say no to home waxing. DO NOT get that GiGi Brazillian Wax stuff-- I had to throw it all away because it's exactly like trying to get bubblegum out of your hair. And I think the Nads would work if I wasn't too chicken to yank the strip myself. It's good for the legs, but I don't know about other parts. If you can yank a waxy strip off of your monkey, you have my utmost respect.

7:27 AM, February 10, 2006  
Blogger Susie said...

This is a most timely discussion for me, with all the recent visits to the peepeedoc. Do they really appreciate my efforts? Like, Valentine's Day is coming up. Maybe I really should put in a little more effort. Maybe when they go to do their "procedures," a heart shape would say, "I love you for taking care of me like this..." But maybe that's always what a heart shape there says . . . *sniff* Only you could make me this sentimental about this topic, Bucky...

7:59 AM, February 10, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have never waxed that area. I cant shave, because I get razor burn SO bad. I so use nair, and its a pain in the know where. I've tried electric clippers, and its just not great.
I'm afraid to go somewhere and have them all up and personal, removing things.
Getting my eyebrows waxed is painful enough! I cant imagine, other places.

2:55 PM, February 10, 2006  
Blogger Kranki said...

I tried this once too. Now I really know why they are called professionals. I have no problem paying the big bucks now.

3:14 PM, February 11, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

who reads the instructions anyway?

Mind you, i have uncomfortable pictures of you squatting over a mirror smoothing down wax strips...

(I use hot wax. It's even better)

8:34 PM, February 13, 2006  
Blogger Maven said...

For the sweet-sweet love of sphincter bleaching Moses, please tell me you did not wax your monkey! Monkeys are wild animals and should be allowed to roam free:)

10:30 AM, February 14, 2006  
Blogger Maven said...

PS: If you *MUST* wax your yeti-esque monkey regions, it does help to soak in a warm bath FIRST, to soften up the follicles...

...So I've heard, of course...

10:31 AM, February 14, 2006  

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