Turn me on, dead man
This is a self tag, from the Squirl Tag Broadcasting System.
Top Ten Turn-Offs:
Top Ten Turn-Ons NONSEXUAL:
Top Ten Turn-Ons SEXUAL and/or ROMANTIC:
Top Ten Turn-Offs:
- Dull talk that tries to pass for conversation.
- Zealots (of any brand, at any end of the speculum, er, spectrum).
- Cramps.
- Migraines.
- Overpopulation.
- People who purposely mistreat animals and/or vulnerable humans. What the fuck is wrong with you?
- Racism/prejudice. From anyone. It does come in all flavors.
- "All show and no substance" when it comes to patriotism or religion (don't preach it, brother - live it!).
- People who violate my personal space without invitation, implied or explicit.
- Being lectured - I fucking hate that. Especially if I've already agreed I was wrong - fuckin' drop it!
Top Ten Turn-Ons NONSEXUAL:
- My family.
- My closest friends (okay, maybe the plural is an exaggeration there).
- Music that is so good it makes me cry.
- Clever wordplay.
- Gut-wrenching laughter.
- Pets and other critters that are not bugs.
- Crab.
- Being allowed to be myself.
- Singing (okay, this one kinda got ruined for me with all the band bullshit, but one day, maybe I'll love it again).
- Writing something that even makes me laugh out loud.
- (Adding #11 because it's MY list) You folks who come here every day and leave me insanely delightful and twisted comments.
Top Ten Turn-Ons SEXUAL and/or ROMANTIC:
- Gut-wrenching laughter
- Foreplay. Lots of it. That means above the waist, guys. Grab thou not the monkey until the milk has been wrung from the coconut.
- Maroon 5's Songs About Jane. Song for song, currently my favorite entire album to use as background for the dirty deed. Though sometimes it's gotta be White Zombie.
- Censored because Jim would kill me for writing it. Fine, you perverts. It's chaps.
- Censored because Jim would kill me for writing it. Rolling pins.
- Censored because Jim would get an inflated ego and I'd never hear the end of it. Don't have to leave the country to see the donkey, wink wink.
- The classic Tijuana donkey show. Not really, but I wanted to see if anyone was still payin' attention.
- Neck. Ears. Back. Rinse and repeat.
- Hot tubs.
- Lingerie that hides my belly.
Katy Barzedor proclaimed this to be so at 12:02 PM
36 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':
I see you saw the place I got myself in trouble and did sexual v non-sexual turn-ons. Smart move.
You've got a lot of good ones on there. I like the ones that Jim would kill you if you listed them.
Ohhhh, the TJ donkey show!
Well you did say you're an animal lover!!!
NOTE to all men:
Neck. Ears. Back. Rinse and repeat.
Tattoo this somewhere so you see it everyday.
Women will love you.
I agree with the don't lecture me thing, too.
Squirl - Not only would Jim be upset by some public revelations of a specific nature, I have to believe there are some things the Internet as a Whole probably just doesn't wanna know.
Sierrabella - Eeyore wouldn't have been depressed around me, if you catch my drift.
Opera gal - I think the lessons of "ears, neck, back" and "lots of foreplay" should be a staple of high school health programs. Maybe that's why they don't let me teach high school.
And I'm a consummate eye roller when the lecturin' starts.
I took WTF's advice and tattoo'd that where I would see it every day. But dammit, I picked the wrong time to put on the tattoo. I was looking at some chick in assless chaps.
So, great. Now I'm going to have to remember what "N ... t" stands for.
Damned censorship!
I didnt see Laundromat in either of your columns. You are a woman of many causes.
Censorship at the Cotillion?! **blinks, rubs eyes, shakes head** What has Gumby done to you, Bucky? *sob*
Nilbo - Isn't that unsanitary, that havin' a chick in assless chaps in the tattoo parlor? No, wait, actually, they said I could stay if I stayed on the other side of the counter.
I'll come see you and we can read it together.
Mr. B - Didn't think you'd ever see it here, did you?
Jeff's place - "Laundromat" may or may not be contained in one of the censored entries.
Eclectic - it's not the fear of Gumby that made me self censor. It's the fear of not gettin' the censored items anymore. And that's a healthy fear!
I mean, really - how many years of sexual use can I possibly have left in me before I go to the Skank Pile?
Careful there, Bucky. I hear tagging your self can make you go blind.
Love your lists. Especially #11.
LadyBug - why d'ya think I'm Four-Eyes?
Well you just go tell Mr. Fancy Pants Jim there that I want to know what those other turn ons are and if he ever wants me to bake him cookies or cake or muffins again, he best ante up. I mean business.
"I mean, really - how many years of sexual use can I possibly have left in me before I go to the Skank Pile?"
:::: BOOM :::: goes my head.
Jess - I'm gonna let you negotiate that with him. I think your powers of hypnosis are at least a cup size beyond mine.
Nilbo - Whence this cranial explosion?
Huh huh...that sounds dirty.
Sorry ... head exploded from toooooo many jokes rocketing around about ships sailing on the skank pile thing.
Well, I reckon you could do something downright poetic with that turn o' phrase, Nilbo.
just... got...internet...back, coming...up...for...air
I don't remember what I was going to say now.
OS attack folks, and it was a major one - a lot of ISPs weren't ready for it and were tanking all over the place.
Yikes.
DOS attack.
Tres attack.
Squirl - breathe deep, hon, it'll be alright!
Opera gal - I've always felt that hackers should be rolled in broken glass, then salted. And then pissed on by winos. But that's just the bleeding-heart liberal in me talkin'.
Anon - shame on you for cheating.
Nilbo - Quatro attack?
And what the fuck happened to the Uno attack?
This list is one better. It goes to eleven.
"Grab thou not the monkey until the milk has been wrung from the coconut."
Thank you, Rev. Bucky, for giving me the quote for next week's "Sunday Post."
Closet - ...the Druids...No one knows who they were or what they were doing...
Susie - I wondered how long before somebody latched onto that turn of phrase! I can't believe it took this long, to be truthful...
Peter - oh, there will always be more donkey talk here. Stay tuned.
Well, I'm bein' badgered behind the scenes here about my self censorship, so I guess I'd better come clean before somebody gets hurt.
#4. Chaps
#5. Rolling pins
#6. I don't have to go to Tijuana to see the donkey show, if you catch my drift.
There. Are you all happy now? I'm practically naked on the Internet.
*shivers*
I was going to comment about the monkey/coconut quote, but Susie beat me to it. All I can say is this was a great post and if you made that quote into a t-shirt, I would definitely buy it.
Jomama - Heeeey, I like it!
I've been given a couple of new merchandise ideas I like.
Stay tuned!
I can't believe no one's commented on your use of the phrase "LATCHED ON" in response to Susie's comment about the "milk wrung from the coconuts" thing.
That sentence didn't make any sense.
::goes looking for more caffeine::
OH! And "Grab thou not the monkey until the milk has been wrung from the coconut" would be GREAT on a t-shirt, especially with some sort of monkey (the mammal, not the OTHER monkey (apologies to Amanda B)) and coconut (the fruit...or NUT...whatever) cartoony graphic. Maybe you and Shaun (Holeyshirt) should get together and come up with something.
Sigh. That sentence didn't make any sense either.
::resumes search for caffeine::
Have you been reading my diary again???
LadyBug - it's OK, we like you even when you're not completely coherent. And, scarily enough, two new t-shirt designs are in the works as I write this.
Torrie - of course I have. Was it the rolling pin that tipped you off?
Officially, I am intimidated by the donkey thing.
Unofficially, my prowess with a rolling pin is legendary, and I am undaunted.
Nilbo, we stand in awe of your legendary rolling pin.
If your awe was founded on first-hand knowledge, "standing" would not be an issue.
What was the question?
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