the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Monday, December 10, 2007

Oh, that's COLD!

When I went out to get my mail this afternoon, I discovered that some sonofabitch had absconded with my snow shovel. Took the fucker right off my porch, probably while I was sitting on the other side of the wall watching TV, I mean, engaging in highly intellectual pursuits.

Now how do I get this giant puddle of urine off my deck railing?


A squirrel peed on my porch

Well, alright...so it's a tiny dot of piss. A squirrel pissed on my porch. I don't think it was my sister, though; the puddle would have been bigger, and she'd have cleaned up after herself. 'Cause that's how she rolls.

If I could pick a specific punishment for my shovel stealer, I think it would involve all the squirrels in the neighborhood ganging up to pee on his or her face in the night. Then, when the asshole wakes up and wonders "What the fuck?" and gets up to look in the bathroom mirror, I hope the squirrels will have brought MY shovel into the house so he or she steps on it and gets a face full of wooden handle to go with the squirrel urine. I only threw that in because I didn't figure the squirrels would have enough leverage to get the shovel up the perpetrator's ass.

Any other suitable punishments for someone who would steal the snow shovel of a poor, defenseless woman like me? Go on, tell me what should happen to the fuckface!

10 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

There's an invisible ley line attached to the end of the shovel's handle. It shoots off the handle, up his sleeve, along his side, and down the pack of his pants, landing on the top of his shoe. So every time he bends to scoop, his pants fall down around his ankles.

When he stands up, to collect himself, scratch his head in wonder, his pants come back up with him. But when he bends again, tipping shovel to pile, down drop the ol' trousers again.....

10:25 PM, December 10, 2007  
Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

Hahaha! I said "pack" of his pants! Didn't mean to, ya know!

10:26 PM, December 10, 2007  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

I think he should be forced, by supernatural law, to take care of the shoveling activities around your house until it is deemed that:
a) he returns the shovel and decides not to ever do that shit again;
b) he cops an attitude and needs a shovel enima, which in that case, you'll need to buy another shovel...ew;
c) He's too lazy to do this deed, therefore we must have him run nekkid around the nearest mall parking lot until his huevos fall off...or he gets arrested for indecent exposure, whichever happens first.

Of course, finding where he lives and peeing on his porch: priceless.

10:37 PM, December 10, 2007  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Find the person who took your shovel, then saw the handle of the shovel *nearly* all the way through. When it breaks when they're shoveling away, laugh like hell. Loudly.

11:11 PM, December 10, 2007  
Blogger Susie said...

Whatever the consequences, he (you know it was a BOY) must learn that stealing your pee shov, I mean snow shovel was NOT a very brainy idea. heh heh

8:15 AM, December 11, 2007  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Mermaid - no, I think we SHOULD pack his pants with the shovel. Or his ass. Yeah, let's pack his ass with the business end of the shovel.

M_D - I'm thinking I'd rather kick his huevos off myself! :)

CKelli - can't I just saw off his tiny peepee instead?

Susie - and we all know that nothing feels better than a good brainy idea first thing in the morning!

9:51 AM, December 11, 2007  
Blogger Squirl said...

I can't believe some assfuck stole your shovel. He should have to shovel your deck and driveway forever, even if I were to pee on your deck.

And, hee hee, Susie said brainy idea.

6:25 PM, December 11, 2007  
Blogger eclectic said...

I think the very act of taking your snowshovel is them volunteering to shovel all snow on your premises, pee'd or not. And if they don't agree, tell 'em your sister's a mean-ass attorney who's only too glad to show them what that shovel's good for.

11:31 PM, December 11, 2007  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

have you considered pissing on his porch yourself?

11:32 PM, December 11, 2007  
Blogger Nilbo said...

I think he should be forced to drink glass after glass of Squirrel Pee (as opposed to Squirl Pee), until his mother remembers his father's name.

11:49 PM, December 11, 2007  

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