the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Lazy Bucky's quickies

  • I STAND CORRECTED. Sandy Duncan did, in fact, appear in advertisements for Wheat Thins, and not Triscuits, as I had maintained in my comments on the last post. Boy, is my face hairy and red.
  • After recklessly enjoying a large helping of pineapple curry from Bangkok Peppers on Tuesday, I now understand that there's a reason that "curry" rhymes with "hurry."
  • So don't feed me curry unless it's your idea of a good time to watch me trip and knock stuff over in my desperate rush for the bathroom.
  • I get the feeling from the response to my last post that what you guys really, really, strongly want from me is more Sandy Duncan content. Let me see what I can do. I'll keep an eye out for her.
  • First I was pickin' on Florence Henderson, now it's Sandy Duncan; how long do you think Shirley Jones is safe?
  • Would it be wrong, terribly wrong, to use tampons as earrings? Yes? Well, what about fresh ones?
  • Ghost of Goldwater commented here recently: "This blog is getting curioser and curioser. Ever tried Ritalin?" My answer? No! Ritalin just gets between me and my muse. I'm afraid if I take Ritalin, Gumby just won't be as attractive to me anymore. I do, however, lick every toad that will hold still for me.
  • Note to the toads: if you do hold still, it will be every bit as good for you as it is for me.
  • I used to belong to a newsgroup that centered around body modifications, as I am tatooed and at the time had several body piercings. My departure from the group was precipitated by the response I received to a post wherein I confessed a certain zen satisfaction with my jewelry-washing routine. The replies I received were rude, and in the vein of "Oh I can't believe you said anything so mundane as 'I like to wash my piercings.'" and "Oh, you Americans are so obsessed with cleanliness" - um, he only said that because he couldn't see my kitchen counters - and other helpings of sarcasm, disdain, and needless negativity. This from a group where someone could post of their desire to cut off a completely functional finger for the sake of body art, and that post would receive dozens of positive, enthusiastic replies. Okay, you pretentious fuckers. I'll be back when I get the urge to lop off my nipples for the fun of it.
  • Do you think I could then sell my nipples on Ebay? And would I sell 'em as a set, or try to get more cash/shipping for separate sale? Would they fetch a higher price if I packaged 'em in velvet-lined nipple boxes?
  • Who wants to buy my nipples? I guess as a courtesy, I should offer 'em here first. Slightly used, never passed any serious milk through 'em. First person to bid on both as a set will receive, at no additional charge, one lead crystal nipple display case, as seen on TV (tm). Runners-up will receive porcelain replicas of my nipples, lovingly handcrafted by unemployed Swedish chefs. Mork mork mork. (Caveat: we all know what happens when I promise gifts and prizes. *cough* Rice-a-Roni scam *cough*)
  • On second thought, maybe the Ritalin isn't such a bad idea...

42 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Closet Metro said...

why buy 'em when you can rent them and the rest of the package for $2?

10:08 AM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

I guess CM has a good point, or two.

10:10 AM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Effie said...

Hey, Closet Metro-- you couldn't rent them with the rest of the package if she lopped them off....I guess that would solve any cold weather/t-shirt issues! We like to say "It's a little nipply outside" etc...

10:11 AM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Effie said...

Curry always has that effect on me too--nasty stuff....and the place was called "Bangkok" and your title is "quickies"? Have we got something naughty on the brain right now (or maybe it's just me...)

10:13 AM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Closet - that is a valid argument. However, for a little more than the $2 rental, you can OWN my nipples. That means you could gaze upon them at any time you deemed appropriate, and not just when you happen to see me on the corner in my hot pants and tube top. My nipples (or a reasonable porcelain facsimile) could grace your mantlepiece, where you could admire them during commercial breaks in your reality TV viewing, or simply use them as a guaranteed conversation booster.

Squirl - Ah, my nipple logic took care of that.

Effie - oh, I've always got something naughty on the brain. Except when I'm rusning to the bathroom. For some reason, I don't think of banging cocks OR quickies then.

10:38 AM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Ritalin. It has its place.

11:24 AM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

I guess I'd trust it if it came from you, Susie.
Just don't be slippin' me a roofie.
You know I'm easy already.

11:28 AM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Michele in Michigan said...

BWAHAHA keeping an EYE OUT for Sandy!!!!

Toads are gooooooood--wow, such PRETTTTTTTTY COLORRRRRRRS!!!!!!

Re: your nipples. Since I don't HAVE any, I would SO buy yours! But I wouldn't pay extra for the fancy box...

I always tell my husband, "If I had nipples, they'd be hard!"

11:33 AM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Michele in Mich - Oh, dear - the hardening of the phantom nipples! I see a rock opera in there somewhere.

Ask me about my discounted nipples!

11:35 AM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

I'd really like to see a very large, very overweight elderly gentlemen re-do the Wheat Thins commercials of long ago, repeating Sandy Duncan's lines word for word.

Yes, even the "Hi, I'm Sandy Duncan...."

11:49 AM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Torrie said...

I am sitting here trying to think of something clever to say and all I can come up with is WOW.

12:58 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Mr. B - too bad Orson Welles isn't available.

Torrie - What? You don't want a spare set of nipples for your vacation? Well, don't whine to me if you forget yours on the hotel dresser and have to fly home with no temperature indicators.

1:53 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Be sure not to break up the nipple set.
I've heard the value will go down if you do!
*That's what Hannibal Lechter says, anyways.

2:29 PM, October 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's OK, I thought it was Triscuit, too, until I looked back at my diary.

Not many people know this, but I also have a glass nipple.

3:13 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Ghost of Goldwater said...

Speaking as a teacher I can confirm that Ritalin has its place, yes indeed... There are actually quite a few of us who would like to see it added to the drinking water. Another option we've discussed is to give all of us airguns with a wide assortment of darts containing stuff like Ritalin, tranquilizers, amphetamin or just good old cyanide to use on the pupils as we see fit.

3:17 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Candy said...

You know I once had a friend who insisted that nipples are the only body part that grow back. He was an idiot.

But man if it was true, imagine the cash you could make if you just turned yourself into a nipple farm and went full time on ebay!!!!

3:25 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Sierrabella - that's what I've heard, too. Maybe I will sweeten the deal if you buy both.

Sandy D - is that why it's always cold on your left side?

Ghost - were it up to me, you'd be implementing the dart gun idea NOW. Come to think of it, that wouldn't be a bad thing to have around the office, either.

Jess - Gives a whole new meaning to "How you gonna keep 'em down on the farm" doesn't it?

3:30 PM, October 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ARRRGGGGHHHH she made us look at the diary. You people have got to stop, we are reliving the horrors over and over, its not right.

Dear diary, today I lost my right nipple in a tragic smelting accident but I think it's going to be ok as I have been told they can build me a new one. I just wish the death machine I have been buidling would of come out better. I need to practice my smelting.

Dear Diary, I am so sick of shilling crackers for a living. My death machine is nearly complete. The tests on local midgets have been amazingly succesful. I might need to be more careful though as the local midget population near my home is dwindling. I may have to go on the road to get the midget supply pumped back up, the cages are looking mighty picked over. Maybe I can do some sort of tour for the Nabisco company. Wait, dont they have eleves working for them? Those would make a fine substitute in the death machine I think.

Oh good news diary! My smelting technique is coming along nicely!

3:31 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

SD's Eye - that must be so traumatic for you, to have to read those awful diaries and see the things you have to see through that megalomaniac's point of view. And poor glass nipple.

And how does a smelting accident happen? I mean, they're such tiny fish...

3:38 PM, October 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fish??? Fish!!! Now you clearly mock us, as if she would build a death machine with tiny fish.

Maybe we should start cooperating and she can get back to that death machine after all.

We will be back.

Fish! PFfffffft

3:42 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

SD's Eye - oooh, I'm shakin'...
Seriously, I'm neither a midget nor an elf, so I fear neither Sandy Duncan nor her death machine.

Now the smelt? Well, they freak me out a little.

3:44 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

I am able to follow this convoluted, sick trail only because every morning I gobble down 20mg of Ritalin. It does not make me calm or placid, nor does it affect my creativity. It just gives me the strength to gather myself together and make your huge and curious leaps of logic.

Thank God for Ritalin, or I'd have you committed.

3:49 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Sorry, Nilbo, I stopped reading and got dreamy after "every morning I gobble down..."

3:50 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Candy said...

Bucky I would be alittle nervous about the smelt, I mean if you can get ill tempered sea bass, and frickin sharks with frickin laser beams, surely out there somewhere they must have suidical smelt. Kamikazi fish with a mission.

3:53 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Jess, the worst thing a smelt could do is gather all its friends, then throw themselves in front of me and demand to be gutted, en masse.

3:56 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Candy said...

So like lemmings but without all the pesky legs to get in the way?

3:57 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Jess - Bing-fuckin-O.

3:58 PM, October 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well cleary the glass eye of an evil mastermind gets no respect around this place.

What makes you think someone as crazed and filled with blood lust as Sandy Duncan would be satisfied with just midgets? Those were early diary entries, in the begining phases of the death machine. Not long after midgets she moved on to fat, slow, elderly people. You have no idea of the things we have witnessed in a lifetime of being stuck in the eyesockets of this sick, twisted, crazed killer.

But thats ok, you go on and mock us, fear the Wrath of the Duncan though, it is very real, and she is always lurking. And sometimes we see you.

4:01 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

SD's Eye - I may be fat and old, but I'm still too fast for your death machine.

And your fuckin' wheat thins.

4:03 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger hemlock said...

What the hell would I do without my daily dose of Bucky... productive...that's what!!

Keep up the good work.

4:31 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Hairy AND red? Whoa.

4:35 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

Wheat Thins made your face hairy and red? Egad!

**purging cupboard of ALL wheat crackers, thin OR thick**

5:28 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Opera Gal said...

Nilbo- you did make sure to serve up your Ritalin on a nice Triscuit smeared with smelt, didn't you? *that* folks is the San Francisco treat.

5:32 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

LeafGirl - I may not be Dooce comments, but I try to do my part to help y'all fuck off during work hours.

Mr. B - it's just hard to see the red, for the hair.

Eclectic - feeeear the wheeeat.

Opera gal - it only SMELT like smelt.

7:06 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Kitty said...

Your marketing tactics lack substance Bucky. What function shall your nipples provide? For example, if they were my nipples, I would note their uncanny ability to catch spills and in an inverted state would provide a proud owner a very artistic finger bowl. Perhaps a delightful cock cozy. See, if yours are smaller than my high beams, they could double as a pool stick cozy or a golf ball placement holder. Favorable jingle shall ensue.

I'm not playa hatin' - Just tryin to up the bids here.

7:57 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Kittay - thou art truly market savvy.

I could use somebody like you down to the nipple farm.

8:13 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

Curry = campin' out on Lake Porcelain and howling at the moon.

You say ritalin, I say zoloft.
Pota-to, po-tato...

8:57 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Kranki said...

Now that I have read this I feel that life can never be the same again. I am changed.

8:59 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

M_D - well, I think we're all in agreement that I should be medicated somehow.

Kranki - I try to have that effect. If I can't be a positive influence, then I'll be somebody who makes you exclaim "Oh my god, what kind of sick fucker would write that?"

9:15 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Maven said...

"I get the feeling from the response to my last post that what you guys really, really, strongly want from me is more Sandy Duncan content. Let me see what I can do. I'll keep an eye out for her."

Inadvertent pun there--did you know Ms. Duncan only has one eye?

9:33 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Maven said...

LOL of course you do!!!

9:35 PM, October 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Nugget - only takes one eye to wink. ;)

11:07 PM, October 13, 2005  

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