the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Do I amuse you? Like a clown?

If anyone ever brings back the position of court jester, I'll be first in line to apply for the job.
I can't help it; I'm a smartass and the only cure is duct tape.

It delights me in a childlike (read: immature) way to make people laugh, especially at things we all know we shouldn't be laughin' at, but can't help it. If I can milk a situation for cheap laughs, you know I'll be grabbin' at the giggle teats like nobody's business. I know it makes me feel good to laugh, and I can only assume that's true for everyone else, too. Really, if I've made you laugh here, it's like we've had sex, and you sort of need to send me two dollars, lest my pimp catch on to all the freebies and rearrange my shit.

When I worked at 7-Eleven, there was an older gentleman who was a regular weekday mid-morning coffee achiever, and he was always particularly amused by my chatter behind the counter. He told me more than once that I should do stand-up comedy, and every single time, I would reply, "You think I'm funny standin' up? Hell, you should see me layin' down!" And every single time, he laughed his foolish ass off. Yeah, he was a pretty easy audience, so I wasn't gonna gauge my entertainment career prospects on his chuckles.

Stand-up comedy just wouldn't be a good gig for me (check out Amy for your stand-up comedy needs). I don't think I could do spoken comedy with the focus totally on me. I've done stage plays before, back in the dark ages, but that's different - there are usually other people onstage to deflect the focus (and I have since come to grips with the fact that I have zero talent as an actor and should not inflict my attempts upon the world again). Same with a band. I find karaoke much more intimidating than singing with a band onstage. Although karaoke is kinda scary, overall. But I just don't think I could memorize a comedy routine and carry it out with any freshness (I'd get that not-so-fresh feeling), and I don't think I could improvise with all eyes on me like that.

That's where the court jester gig comes in. That is my kind of live comedy. I could do that. The jester wanders through the crowd at a party, playing off the best snippets of conversation for maximum hilarity, face-to-face with the revelers, never staying in one knot of people long enough to become tiresome, encouraged to eat the party food and have a few drinks - that job description was tailor-made for me! I can't do it all when it comes to live yucks; I need to be able to play off what other people are saying. Anyone has the potential to play straight man to my jingle-hatted harlequin. I don't need much of an opening to walk through.

So...anybody need entertainment at your next banquet in the great hall? If you hear jingle jingle, that's me comin' down the hall. If you hear fwap fwap, it means I forgot to put on a bra.

31 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Nilbo said...

If you have curly-up shoes to go with that hat, you're so hired.

10:33 PM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

I'm with you on the fwap fwap part...gravity is a bitch, ain't it?

10:44 PM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Funny that. I was JUST mentioning to someone today "Golly, I'm sure the turkey will be delightful and the desserts divine. I have no doubt that the watching of Alistar Sim in "A Christmas Carol" will warm the cockles and I'm looking forward to the family being together. You DID hire a court jester, didn't you?"

Can you BELIEVE they said "No?"

Bucky, I need you be in Issaquah, Washington on Christmas morning. I'll pay $7 for the gig.

10:57 PM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

Hell, Jim -- if you get her this close, I'll kick in another $7 if you can wrangle me an invite to yer shindig!

12:00 AM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

I think you could do it! I'm still amused by the 7-11 guy, which combined with your last couple of lines on this post is clouding my judgement though.

12:00 AM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Ghost of Goldwater said...

I'll pay you EIGHT dollars if you can get your ass to Rome for Christmas, cuz that's where I'll be... nananananana!!!

I may drop in occasionally to taunt you all with lyrical descriptions of the city... but till then I've posted a long and funny story about my
journey through the Balkans in '04.

Have a merry and a happy and all that jazz!

5:51 AM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

But it is it the chalice from the palace with the brew that is true?

6:35 AM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Nilbo - I do have the curly-up shoes...but I don't wear them on my FEET during my act.

M_D - I've said it before, and it's still true: gravity done kilt my titties.

Jim - Wow! This jester gig already pays 350% my standard whoring fee. Have bells, will travel.

Eclectic - now I feel like the prettiest whore at the ball! Thank you.

Kylz - you think this nonsense would translate well for the Australian funny bone? Or would I run the risk of being hauled away from the banquet and fed to koalas?

Ghost - SO cool! Yes, please, let us enjoy your trip vicariously!

Mr. B - yes, because the flagon with the dragon has the pellet with the poison.

7:48 AM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Bucky, don't sell yourself short... you should be charging, like $7.50 a pop at least!

9:05 AM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

What about the vessel with the pestle?

9:14 AM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Spikey1 said...

Will you do weddings and Bar Mitzvahs?

9:17 AM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger LadyBug said...

You know, seriously, I think having someone playing "jester" at a party would be great! You should totally market this idea.

Your slogan should definitely include the word monkey, but EXclude the words not so fresh feeling.

9:47 AM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

I'm just in favour of all this because with the bells on, we can hear her coming a mile away. And I've always wanted to hear Bucky coming.

9:56 AM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Effie said...

Oooh-- I have the PERFECT hat for you...teehee!

said in an extremely nasal tone
"We are not amused!"

10:00 AM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger greatwhitebear said...

somebody needs to get you a a seltzer bottle for Christmas!

Oops... aged myself again... ou probably have no idea what a seltzer bottle is.....

10:48 AM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Bucky, our parties always have jesters. We just call them "little clowns". Anything to break the tension I feel between the in-laws, bio-fam and adoptive fam works for me! :)

11:22 AM, December 21, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not entirely convinced your hoots are victims of gravity. Perhaps you should lay off tuggin' on those giggle teats there girly!

And your rack is just fine dammit.

12:21 PM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Annejelynn said...

somebody needs to send this woman a jester's hat (if she doesn't already have one - I soooo wouldn't be surprised if you did!)

12:30 PM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

CKelli - I may have to adjust my rates. You wanna be my manager?

Mr. B - the vessle with the pestle has the brown acid, and you should never take the brown acid...

Spikey1 - weddings, yes. Bar mitvahs...well, I'm afraid I'd frighten the children.

LadyBug - so that's "yes" to the monkey, "no" to the fish crotch. Got it.

Nilbo - that's what they all say until they actually hear it. Then they wonder why I'm channeling Ethel Merman in bed.
Oh, now there's an audioblog!

Effie - if you get to be Queen Victoria, I'm definitely coming to your party.

Bear - now, you KNOW I know what a seltzer bottle is. It's like Chuckles the Clown on Mary Tyler Moore...his epitaph was "A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer in your pants."

CKelli - maybe I should come over and learn some routines from the little clowns. I could always use tips on entertaining potentially hostile crowds.

KChia - my rack and I both thank you! (and I wondered when somebody would say somethin' about the giggle teats)

Annejelynn - you don't know how many times I've picked up the jesters' hats at the Renaissance Fair and pondered a purchase...

12:44 PM, December 21, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did someone say eBay?

This one says "I'm the life of the party!"

But, I don't know, Bucky, this "Flaming Jester Hat" may be a little more you.

1:08 PM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...


1:09 PM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Personal shopper - that is so thoughtful! I might, though, have to fight Circus Kelli for the Flaming Jester Hat.
Wait, is the hat flaming or is the jester?

Mr. B - it's ok, hon. Just let me put on some soothing music and you can rock back and forth for about 8 hours.

1:40 PM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Hey! Did someone say FLAMES?! ;)

Bucky, yes, I'd love to be your manager. I'll take um, 55.5 percent. If you're gonna learn from the clowns, may I suggest Sweet Pea. She is the most imaginative and uninhibited by far. She can teach you PAH-LENTY uh huh uh huh uh huh, oh yeah...

2:50 PM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Oh, Mr. B. Don't worry... that happens to lots of guys...

2:51 PM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Rock back and forth? I may need a metronome or something.

4:59 PM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Kranki said...

Now didn't the king kill the court jester if the laughs were lacking in any way?

Not so funny now, huh?

6:25 PM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

Yeah, it's all fun and games until someone loses their virginity...

6:40 PM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Bucky, you sound just like a Gemini.

7:44 PM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

CKelli - can Sweet Pea teach me the happy potty dance?

Mr. B - BE the metrognome.

Kranki - I'm pretty sure they have unions now to curb that sort of reaction.

Eclectic - yeah, I'd hate to lose my virginity...

Squirl - I can't imagine WHY...

8:19 PM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Opera Gal said...

and a WAND! you need a wand with a little head on it!
um wait a minute, that SO did not sound right.
um well, maybe it did. I'll be back later.

11:34 PM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Sweet Pea can totally teach you that dance. ;)

2:27 PM, December 22, 2005  

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