the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

A few freaky factoids

I was tagged by Kylz to list ten Weird and Random facts about myself. Yeah, yeah, I'm supposed to put five new tag-ees at the end of my list, but I'm no good at that. Iffen you like the meme, go 'head and steal it. Iffen you don't, then go about your business and leave the bunnies alone.

Last summer, I posted my 100 Things About Me list, but I'm such a multifaceted bitch that there will always be new wrinkles to reveal, new stretchmarks to, really, come back - I promise, no wrinkles or stretchmarks. But here's ten more stripes in my freak flag:

  1. I really detest coconut. Put it on any food and it's ruint. Just ruint. It's like somebody sprinkled shredded plastic on my food, and all I can feel is little bits of plastic smegma in my teeth when I take a bite.
  2. I crack my knuckles a lot. There. Just did it again. I find it hard to get a noise out of my pinkies with the regular crackin', so I snap those sideways.
  3. The thought of bein' on a boat out so far in the water that I can't see land freaks the livin' shit outta me and makes my pucker clench involuntarily.
  4. I will, however, get on an airplane without a second thought. Flying doesn't bother me at all. The airport pisses me off, but the flight itself is no biggie. I like to get there fast, wherever "there" is.
  5. Why has no one invented chewing gum that's flavored like genital secretions? Okay, that's not really a fact about me, but don't you guys ever wonder that, too? You could have brands like Blo-Jizz and Pussy-Chew. Can you hear the jingles? Don't leave your Pussy-Chew on the bedpost overnight...
  6. I like to cuddle. But don't you dare let that get around. If anyone asks, I'm still the same "acid-dipped, cast-iron bitch" I've always been (kudos to Jim for that very accurate description of me).
  7. I am a cramper; the Cramps should be my favorite band. Toe cramps, foot cramps, leg cramps, hand cramps, shoulder cramps, neck cramps, girlie cramps - if it can cramp, it will cramp for me. That said, I'm sure it's highly entertaining to watch me drop stuff when my hand cramps up. As Eddie Murphy once said, Haha, very funny, motherfucker.
  8. I don't just swear a lot when I write - I have a filthy mouth. Yes, I do kiss my mother with this mouth. But I don't say "Cocksucker!" when I'm kissing my mother. Well, not in anger.
  9. Though I've played with plenty of BB guns, I have never fired a real gun. Now, for many of you in other countries, that's probably no big shock, and certainly not unusual. But in the USA? It's akin to saying, "I've never actually known all the words to Take Me Out to the Ballgame." Sure, it's possible...but people will look at you really, really funny.
  10. When I was in college, I used to draw terribly unflattering caricatures of an accounting instructor I hated. But all these drawings were not in my notebooks. Some of them were on the margins of tests and papers I handed in to my favorite computer science instructor. Luckily, he appreciated the sentiment, and the pictures. He also liked the flow chart I gave him in COBOL class that had a picture of a man with ram's horns on his head and tassels on his nipples. Nothing says "A" student like titty tassels on a horny man. I still can't understand why I was never expelled.

41 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger eclectic said...

COBOL -- is it like cooperative tea bagging?

11:49 AM, December 07, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you sure about #5?
They've come up with some pretty interesting stuff in Asia.

11:55 AM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Maven said...

Pussy-chew? LOVE IT! I saw the cartoon for the song "Fuck Her Gently," by Tenacious D, and there's a part where one of them, dressed as angels, comes up from "Dining at the Y," with a big ol' pube sticking out of his mouth with a little snappy crab on the end of it, THAT is what "Pussy Chew" made me think of.

And I will tell you this... that the line: I don't just swear a lot when I write - I have a filthy mouth. Yes, I do kiss my mother with this mouth. But I don't say "Cocksucker!" when I'm kissing my mother. Well, not in anger. QUITE LITERALLY made me laugh out loud, and in doing so, I accidentally inhaled my cough drop and swallowed it.


PS: Torrie... Yeah, in Japan they have HORSE FLESH FLAVORED ICE CREAM. When dealing with (especially Japan) the "Land of Bukkake," I've learned to never estimate their twistedness and ingenuity.

12:03 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Spikey1 said...

Hmmm, not sure which one I want to comment on first.. lets see...

Do you swallow your gum???

12:20 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger hemlock said...

My fiance J can't stand coconut either. He can detect it in an instant. I, however, LOVE LOVE LOVE it!

Makes it fun when my mom sends a bunch of Bounty (you have those down there??) bars to me in the mail...I know they're safe!

12:22 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

Leaf Girl, a friendly tip: NEVER, EVER put Bounty Bars down there!

***scurries away, giggling madly***

1:15 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Ewww.... I don't like coconut either.

Hubby and I say "mother fucker" and "cock sucker" but only to each other, and only cause, well, he is one, and I am one. ;)

Hmm. TMI?

1:20 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

"I still can't understand why I was never expelled."

How the hell do you think you arrived on this earth??

1:52 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

LOL -- Very funny, Mr. B! :)

2:03 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

I didn't know you played with BB guns. Did you have permission?

2:54 PM, December 07, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have actually had a milkshake that tasted exactly like jizz--so much so I couldn't finish it--and I offered it to my hubby and he drank it--I didn't tell him what it tasted like until AFTER he was done---not posting my name onthis one!

3:18 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Effie said...

I crack my knuckles all the time too--and the baby finger cracks so much better when you crack it sideways
and I'm a cuddler
and I'm a cramper
and I have a potty mouth, but only around my hubby---he taught me every word i know--and it's BAD!
and I've only fired BB guns, or maybe a pellet gun once...
but I LOVE COCONUT!! LeafGirl--save some Bounty ones for me--but not the ones you put down there!

3:22 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Eclectic - how do you think I got an A in that class? ;)

Torrie - well, let's just say I've never seen the jizz gum. I'm willing to be convinced, though.

Nugget - sorry 'bout the cough drop, dude!

Spikey1 - nah, I like to leave it on the bedpost overnight.

LeafGirl - ok, anything I wanted to say about Bounty bars has been wiped out by the ensuing "down there" comments (and really - you should know better with this riff raff). But I have not seen a Bounty bar "down here." ;)

Eclectic - yeah, 'cause at that point you can't tell where the coconut stops and where the pussy flakes start. Oops, did I type that out loud?

CKelli - but TMI is so fun 'round here!

Mr. B - I am the product of evil experiments gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Squirl - Permission? What is that? Remember me? The brat?

Anon - wow. Did your milkshake bring all the boys to the yard?

Effie - you and LeafGirl may have my entire share of the world's coconut supply. No, really. Please take it.

3:36 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

It's these endearing, ladylike qualities that make me want to come back here day after day.

Coconut doesn't make anything roont - white chocolate does.

And I'm not sure I'd want those flavors of ice cream or gum or whatever. But the marketing possibilities are endless! "The heat wave getting to you? Try our new Dicksicle! Salty on the outside and creamy on the inside!"

3:38 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Spikey1 said...

Kids.. I will trade my share of Bounty Bars for Peanut Butter Cups?? Anyone?

3:49 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Jim - now THAT would be a job for the Good Humor man.

Spikey1 - I'll stick with my nice, safe Reese's Pieces.

4:15 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Test tube baby huh?

4:18 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

"Job" for the Good Humor Man...I get it! Ha ha!

4:20 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger MilkMaid said...

Never ever played with a Red Rider???

Ooo you have SO missed the fun of watching your siblings run and scream for Momma.

It's not too late yanno.

4:57 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Mr. B - the testiest.

Guys, in case you didn't know, tomorrow is Mr. B's birthday! Please harass him on his blog accordingly.

Jim - where's my rimshot?
Um, let me rephrase that...

MilkMaid - lol, if my family saw me a-comin' with a gun now, they'd be smart enough to lock up and just call the swat team.

7:48 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

Gum. I love the gum one, and until that point had always thought that gum was quite harmless. No longer will I chew gum the same way.

9:17 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

I want some blo-jizz gum.

9:28 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Nature Girl said...

Oh you do make me laugh! Stacie

11:08 PM, December 07, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

Hmm. Well, they make gum that tastes like ass. They call it "Thrills". (that may be a Canadian thing - not sure if you have Thrills gum down there. In fact, I can't remember the last time I saw it. Do they still make it or is this one of those "Hey, everybody, gather 'round, an old person is telling a story!" moments. Never mind.)

I love coconut. And if Leaf Girl would like to send me any Bounty bars she has been keeping down there I will be delighted to chow down.

8:22 AM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger hemlock said...

Jeeze...I leave an innocent comment and my name is drug (as per Kristine's lingo) through the mud.

Who are you people!


I blame you eclectic...exclusively.

8:24 AM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Kylz - anything I can do to change the way people look at ordinary items is ok by me. No one will ever look at a rolling pin the same way after coming here, either...

M_D - didja get the blo-jizz gum? Do ya still need some? Bet we could get volunteers...

Stacie - Thanks! And take some gum on your way out... ;)

Nilbo - ass-flavored gum? It would go perfectly with the ass-flavored air freshener I bought for my car (it says "new car" on the label, but it's pure ass when you hit the button).

LeafGirl - that's right. Eclectic is the bad influence here. The rest of us are just next in line for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir...

8:52 AM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

We get to boink the whole choir? Wow - this is my lucky day!

9:42 AM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Nilbo - I can't guarantee the gender makeup of the MT Choir, but I guess at that point, I'd have to go with my old adage: "Lips is lips."

10:41 AM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Wild Thing, you make my heart sing. Truly, every time I come to this post, I can't read because "let the sideshow begin, hurry, hurry, step right on in; can't afford to pass it by, guaranteed to make you cry," or "it's a freakshow, baby, baby on the dancefloor" starts playing in my head! I need help. I like coconut. I hate flying. I would not chew that gum. I have fired a gun. I used to like it, when I was in high school in the Gun and Marksmanship club. The last time I fired one as an adult was about 18 years ago or so; it almost made me ill. Don't like it anymore. That is all.

10:58 AM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

Suh-WEET! Didja hear that everyone? I'm the BAD influence 'round here! I'm so puttin' this on my resume!

11:53 AM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Susie - I just knew you were a badass. Maybe I should get YOU some chaps!

Eclectic - it's true. Things would be all sunshine and flowers and family-oriented fun if you didn't come 'round here with your unwholesome ideas. Now you've made perverts of us all. For shame...

11:56 AM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Heh, yeah... some of had to travel further than others to be perverts, though...

12:06 PM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger Candy said...

I must have you!

3:17 PM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger Kranki said...

The coconut loathing might be hereditary. The other issues I am just not sure about.

4:16 PM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger SierraBella said...

So do you also get genital cramps?
Could be good... maybe not for you though.

4:47 PM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

CKelli - are you suggesting that some people have been corrupted here?'s not like I can deny it with a straight face!

Jess - was it the gum or the filthy mouth? Or the filthy mouthful of gum?

Kranki - nobody's really sure of my issues. ;)

Sierrabella - is THAT what those are? I always thought they were twatquakes!

7:16 PM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

No, no cum--I mean gum.
He broke through the restraints and ran away. Last time I hire that pool boy...geez!
Dammnit, I can't have nice things!

7:42 PM, December 08, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I lurk occasionally but rarely comment because everyone else is so funny. But you, You are the funniest.

8:18 PM, December 09, 2005  
Blogger greatwhitebear said...

you realize you really aged yourself with the cobol reference, don't you/ Now, if you tell me you know fortran.....

10:39 PM, December 09, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

M_D - that's why I prefer a cabana boy to a pool boy - easier to get 'em to hang around.

Anon - why thank ya! :)

Bear - heh, nope, didn't learn fortran (though I DO know it means formula translator). I learned RPG and COBOL as my main languages (graduated in '96). I don't think that's the direction the programming students go in now. Whippersnappers.

12:30 AM, December 10, 2005  
Blogger Closet Metro said...

Would Blo-Jizz and Pussy-Chew have a few stray pubes in each stick, so you could floss too?

Four out of five dentists surveyed recommend Blo-Jizz and Pussy-Chew for their patients that chew gum. (The fifth dentist said "Just go down on someone.")

12:14 PM, December 10, 2005  

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