the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Monday, December 19, 2005

Mind like a pinball

I'll be all over the place for a minute, if y'all don't mind.
  • Song on repeat right now: Blue Buddha by My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult
    How did I miss these guys all this time?

  • I might have been Christmas shopping for children in the family, and I might have accidentally put some extra stuff in the cart, and darn! I have to keep it for myself now.
    Hmmmmm, wonder what I could possiby do with this...

    Ages 2+? Should be perfect for me.

    Party pack. Hmmm. We used to call that a gang bang.

    Of course, you know I will supply photographs when I have time to get some of this out and mold it to fit my worldview of the day. You might just see turd-shaped Play-Doh, depending on how the week progresses.

  • You know that sensation of creeping, burning shame, of tingling embarassment, that feeling that happens when you walk up to the adult bookstore counter with the packet of hardcore magazines? The magazines that come three in a pack, shrinkwrapped, all glossy pages and only perfunctory text, and no matter which two subjects you buy on the outside, it could be bondage, gumjobs, horsey love, or lesbo Mennonites, the magazine you can't see in the middle will always be about butt sex? Yeah, those.

    Well, I had that very sensation several days ago, but unfortunately for this story, I was not in the porn shop - I don't even know what one of those places looks like on the inside, ahem. Oops, dodge that lightning!

    But I was in Walgreens, and the magazine I was purchasing wasn't even particularly racy. No, it was way worse than that. In my sweaty hand, I clutched a copy of the January issue of Glamour magazine. Maybe that doesn't sound so bad to you, but think about it from the clerk's point of view, this clerk that sees me nearly every day, since I don't have my shit together enough to get everything I need in one trip. Imagine what your face would look like if you saw Mother Theresa in a sequined thong and matching bra with cups in the shape of clutching hands - that was the expression on the clerk's face as I shook the magazine from my clammy grip onto the counter.

    I wanted to shout out: "I have no fashion illusions! I'm buying this for the 'Women Who Blog' article, because I'm a Dooce fan."
    I wanted to protest: "Maybe there's more to me than you know, oh holiday-smocked judger of perpetually disheveled customers buying magazines they may or may not understand."
    I wanted to stammer: "It's for my, ah, mom."

    Ultimately, I said nothing, paid my cash, and left with my shameful purchase.

    In retrospect, I probably should've bought it at that same dark little shop where I buy my soap opera magazines and morphine. I can count on their discretion.

27 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Susie said...

Mmmm, I love the smell of Play-Doh. I get to smell Play-Doh at the agency where I work. Mmmmm.

I hate it when I take that stack of shrink-wrapped butt sex magazines up to the counter . . . oh, never mind . . . who am I kidding? I never do that -- I STEAL THEM! PWAHAHAHAAHAHAA

Is dooce in Glamour? Do's and Don'ts, that's the best part of Glamour, as I recall...

11:19 PM, December 19, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

Glamour? You bought Glamour?? *ahem* Maybe I should buy it, too.


11:27 PM, December 19, 2005  
Blogger Candy said...

What is this Glamour you speak about?

Now the butt sex... I can talk about THAT allllll day.

When you make a playdoh snowman, make sure you give him big nuts, they really appreciate it, no one takes snowmen seriously these days.

12:01 AM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger Michele in Michigan said...

I wanna come up and play wif da Play-doooohhhhhh!

I used to enjoy the smell of it too, Susie LOL. And I would have to take a little lick for the salt hehehe

Jessica & I think alike--she told you to add the hige nutsack; I was gonna tell you to make a realistic schlong (preferably uncut) hehehe

12:08 AM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Jess is so right. Now, a Play-Doh snowman with big nuts? That boy will be taken SERIOUSLY. Oh, so seriously. (whuh?)

12:09 AM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

MinM, I wasn't gonna cop to the licking, but since you did, YEA, I've licked it. (But NOT when it was in big-nut Snowman form.)

12:10 AM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

I can see Bucky now, trying to hide "Glamour":

"Yes, I'd boxes of condoms, a couple of those Kit Kats, maybe one of those donut ring pillows (ya never know) BOTTLES OF VICKS VAPO-RUB..UM..."

12:18 AM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

It's for research, riiight?
Shoulda bought a porn mag with it.

"Yes, I'll take a travel sized bottle of vaseline, some Vicks vapor rub, a copy of Big Dicks, and a copy of glamour magazine."

"Big Dicks and Glamour? You must be doing research."

"Hell yeah, bitch!"

12:33 AM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger I'm not here. said...


12:33 AM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Play-Doh and Glamour. I just never know what you'll be up to next. ;-)

8:04 AM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Susie - Yes! There's an article called "Women Who Blog" and it's got a big picture of Heather and Chuck (you can see a shot of it here.

Eclectic - hey, all the cool kids are doin' it...

Jess - you got it, one big-nuts Frosty, havin' butt sex with an ice sculpture.

Michele - you know I'll warm up the Play-Doh with a huge schlong, right? Wow, that sounded worse than even I meant it to.

Susie - that's right. Big nuts mean SERIOUS BIZNESS. Play-Doh licker. ;)

Kylz - if you're clamoring for Play-Doh porn, then you're the filthy child. Me? I'm a filthy old lady.

Jim - I thought they'd get thrown off when I put the twelve Fleet enemas and the party hats on the counter. But no.

M_D - people get skeert when I use the word "research" - I don't understand it. Now, who wants to find out if the dead pope candle will fit up his or her ass?

Squirl - next on my agenda is dead pope candles and Seventeen magazine.

9:11 AM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Doh with which to Play. Woo hoo!

9:26 AM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Playdoh?! You bought yourself some playdoh?! Oh man... you should NEVER buy stuff for yourself before Christmas! 'Scuse me while I go return a gift for a friend...

Uh-oh, y'alls... I think our Miss Susie Fairchild has gone off the deep end... Susie? You ok, honey?

Bucky, I just read your comment to Jim as "twelve FEET enemas"... oh my.

9:54 AM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Mr. B - now when I look at it, all I can think is "DOH!"

CKelli - hey, YOU are the one who got me on the Play-Doh kick in the first place. And one can never, ever have too much Play-Doh. The better to build bigger Play-Doh penises!

9:59 AM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

You're welcome. :)

10:32 AM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

killerchia -- yes, but are there a lot of real depressed people who scream a lot, with constipated kids?

11:56 AM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Bucky - Duh, that's why I thought it DOH! would make the perfect gift. *sigh* Nope. Too late. I'm taking it back... I do have about four containers of brown playdoh, though, if you're interested...

11:59 AM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger LadyBug said...


My mind is quite foggy today.

You were speaking of....the glamour of butt sex?

Well, hell, we could go on ALL DAMN DAY about that one, couldn't we?

1:56 PM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger Spikey1 said...

Nothing like porn and play-doh!

3:36 PM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

I can’t remember: is Play-Doh edible?

Ah! The memories of a miss-spent youth and those shrink-wrapped packages of 3 magazines of the sort that few would purchase individually. Bucky, have I ever encountered you in a porn shop? Of course, since all of the patrons avoid eye contact in the hope that they will remain invisible to one another, we would never know.

As for Glamour, I am sure that most people purchase it for the articles, just as I did Playboy, when I was into fooling myself.

3:54 PM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

"Fooling yourself"? Is that what we're calling it these days?

4:49 PM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Mr. B - you always bring out the Homer in me.

KChia - it might just be an eye opener for some of 'em. I hope blogs don't shatter their little worlds...

CKelli - um, no, all I have to do is follow Snickers around on any given day if I want brown Play-Doh.

LadyBug - I guess that depends on whether you like it all fancy with a hairless butthole.

Mike - dude, fight the power!

Spikey1 - gimme time, there will be Play-Doh porn.

SS Nick - I was that one in the porn shop wearing the trench coat and sunglasses.
Of course, I dress like that everywhere...

CKelli - Rimshot for the Ringmaster!

6:24 PM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger MrsDoF said...

Never did like Play-doh, especially the smell. Even as a little kid, I did not want to get my hands 'messy'. My grandma couldn't get me to work with pie dough or make meatballs by hand either.
The scene in GHOST about sent me running from the theater. The time where the couple start out with a pottery wheel and slimy clay, then keep going all touchy feely with each other.
My cousin pointed out a 'little mistake in editing' where they have clean hands by the time there is actual togetherness. Nah, I didn't buy it.

However, Bucky, I am sure you are a creative person and we will quite pleased with your masterpieces.

6:52 PM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger greatwhitebear said...

Bucky, I feel your pain. It's like the look you get when you check out at the drugstore with flavored condoms. Even though they're for her, you damned well nobody will believe you. Which is why i always buy Glamour magazine and condoms at least three counties away from home!

7:12 PM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger Maven said...

I'm not sure what's funnier, Toxic Twat's Anal Stormtrooper Vibrator or your Lesbo Mennonites Good times to be had in blogreality today!!

PS: Hey at least it was GLAMOUR and not "Horse Husbandry Monthly," because yanno, it's all about the cock.

11:57 AM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

MrsDOF - yeah, I can't say as I found that scene in Ghost to be particularly erotic. It looks like two people who have been playing in poop, and to me, that just ain't sexy.

Bear - actually, I take delight in buying flavored, ribbed condoms. And french ticklers.
Oh, sorry, what were we talking about?

Nugget - oh, I just get the horse mags sent to work. Then everyone can enjoy the spotted pee-pees.

12:52 PM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger SWSNBN said...

I want a GLAMOUR magazine. Dammit.

I just read about it today. I'm not following along well enough apparently. :s

I don't have much time.

11:15 PM, December 30, 2005  

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