the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

VD quickies

  • I bought myself a ring for Valentine's Day, and I have already managed to misplace it. I have a feeling I won't be getting any from myself tonight.
  • Some people wear toe rings. I prefer a camel-toe ring.
  • Do you think I could wax my toes with those cold strips? Gotta leave the monkey and the anus alone, but I don't think it said anything about toes.
  • Say what you want, but in my book, monkey will always equal vagina.
  • Anybody here ever seen The Vagina Monologues? I've always wondered how they script that, and if they have to use little clit mikes to get the sound out in the theatre. And aside from the occasional well-timed queef, what exactly does a vagina have to say? "It's fuckin' dark in here." or "I don't feel so fresh." or "Oil can!" or "INCOMING!" ?
  • Do any of you women ever have a conversation with your mother (or your daughter) where you would, in all seriousness, say "I've got that not-so-fresh feeling."? As if your mom/daughter really wants to hear about your rancid pussy problem! This is a topic better saved for one's priest or gynecologist.
  • I've always been tempted to slip into a confession booth and say "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been ten minutes since my last confession, and I have the uncontrollable urge to let loose all my bodily fluids right here in the booth." Of course, beforehand I would lay odds with my friends on how long before the poor priest bolted from the confessional and hid behind some altar boys.
  • Quote of the day: "Why would you order and eat food that you know will give you violent diarrhea? There is no food in the world that tastes good enough to justify that." Jessica Rabbit.
  • Happy Valentine's Fucking Day, everyone. Here's to more getting laid and less explosive diarrhea. Unless that kind of thing is your bag.

20 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Unknown said...

I have a date with me later. I said the CUTEST thing to me the other day...well, I'll save that for another time.

I think maybe this is the first time I've heard the words 'queef' and 'explosive diarrhea' in the same post - kudos!

Enjoy yourself! Twice, if you're not tired.

4:23 PM, February 14, 2006  
Blogger Amy said...

Ahh, exactly what I needed, a little reprieve from all the hearts and flowers. Because 'rancid pussy' is about as far away from hearts and flowers as you can get.

I saw the VM's. I saw Loretta Swit up there carrying on about her vag. It was a little unnerving.

4:25 PM, February 14, 2006  
Blogger hemlock said...

Happy Fucking Valentine's Day (I wrote Balentine's THAT would be something worth celebrating!!) to you too!

I'm beginning to get that not so fresh feeling...

4:33 PM, February 14, 2006  
Blogger Candy said...

You can always save time by just eating your Taco Bell on the toilet.

But dont confuse that with getting your taco eaten while on the toilet, thats just nasty.

4:55 PM, February 14, 2006  
Blogger MrsDoF said...

Living in a university town, we are treated to The Vagina Monologues on a yearly basis. Yep, I just checked the calendar and it's gonna be there on stage. I've gone a couple times, depending on which acquaintances will be doing the acting.
The thespians audition with great competition for the screaming.
The sound effects can be quite Interesting and I don't wanna know the magical microphones.
Also, this semester after Spring Break, there is going to be another play of a similar type which was written by a drama PhD candidate. I was interviewed because of somthing I wrote on my blog about a crocheted baby blanket(of all things--what a connection) and someone linked my post to the playwright and there were permission forms to sign, etc.
The power of the blogosphere seems to be neverending.

5:24 PM, February 14, 2006  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Mike - I wondered what Edgar Bergen was up to these days.

Jim - I keep trying to enjoy myself, then I slap my hand away and say, "If you can't find your ring, maybe you shouldn't touch anything else you could lose."

Amy - Loretta Swit in Vagina Monologues, huh? Gives a whole new meaning to "Hot Lips" eh?

LeafGirl - Monistat, stat!

Jess - that's fine advice. You are a veritable wealth of taco knowledge.

Mrs DoF - I think once was enough to see the VM for me. Some of it was hilarious, some of it made me and everyone else in the audience squirm in a not-good way, and some was just heartbreaking. But I guess I should just stay home and listen to my own vagina now.
And too cool about the play!

Nikki - heh heh heh, c'mon- Kranki was just begging for that remark to be made! :)

6:03 PM, February 14, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yup, no hearts and flowers here, just explosive diarrhea, and talking vaginas.

I dont even want that image in my mind of talking to my mother about anything personal!

7:37 PM, February 14, 2006  
Blogger Annejelynn said...

Happy Sappy Day to you!

8:04 PM, February 14, 2006  
Blogger Squirl said...

Ventriloquist monologues, explosive diarrhea, slapping your own hand away, man, how much cooler can you get?

9:14 PM, February 14, 2006  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

Monkey queef fart and the explosive diarrhea...
Sounds like a good name for a punk rock band.
"Yes, we are MQF and ED, coming directly into your television sets live from MTV studios to play a song from our latest album called Public Speaking Classes for Vaginas:
Discarded Douchebag on the sidewalk of 365th street.
It's a love ballad. Hope you enjoy.
:::starts up chainsaw:::

9:39 PM, February 14, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post makes a lot of sense to me after 3 glasses of wine. I wonder if it would have before the alcohol...?

11:17 PM, February 14, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

What a post to read just before I go to bed on my birthday! Thanks, Bucky, it was an, uh, great birthday gift.

11:49 PM, February 14, 2006  
Blogger Kranki said...

If you can't talk to your vagina who can you talk to?

12:05 AM, February 15, 2006  
Blogger Susie said...

Damn blogger. I left a long comment here before. It was profound, insightful, socially redeeming and hilarious. And I'll be damned if I remember it . . . something about "I saw Loretta Swit and her talking clit..." I don't know . . .

8:10 AM, February 15, 2006  
Blogger Spikey1 said...

Happy VD plus 1.

8:31 AM, February 15, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

Less explosive diarrhea for everyone!


9:31 AM, February 15, 2006  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Bucky, you will find your ring in a mostly clear glass dish on or near something made of dark colored wood.

That is all.

11:14 AM, February 15, 2006  
Blogger Susie said...

mr. b, what the hell is that profile pic? Don't be horny?

12:16 PM, February 15, 2006  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

I'm not really sure Susie. But I hope that's not it or I'm in BIG trouble. Big BIG trouble.

2:27 PM, February 15, 2006  
Blogger Pissy Britches said...

Happy Belated fucking VD DAY Bucky.
You are one crazy bitch.
I think I have said that before.
I personally prefer the camel toe ring.
That sounds niiiiice as pie.

9:52 PM, February 15, 2006  

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