the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Mama said knock you up

You know I try to keep things here at the Cotillion clean, wholesome, and nonthreatening. I'm sure you've noticed.

However, there is a subject that needs to be broached, as badly as any subject has ever needed broachin', maybe just the broachiest subject of the day. I need to discuss breasts.

The whole thing started yesterday when I was walkin' down the hall at work with Balulah. Balulah is several months pregnant, and just barely beginning to have a pooched belly. As we held a completely adult and mature conversation (I believe it was about "accidental" anal sex), she executed a little shoulder-shakin' dance move to illustrate a point. Then she got this look of shock, awe, a little amusement, and a little disgust on her face, and clapped an arm over her boobs.

Now, in her previous non-pregnant life, Balulah sported an A cup. But, by the Udders of Grayskull, as the baby in her belly grows, so apparently do her sweater silly putty eggs. Her patented shoulder-shakin' move, which has never caused the least stir, was now settin' things in motion, things which had previously not been large enough to be set into any serious motion. But now Balulah's got a brand new fun bag. Well, two of 'em. She seemed as totally surprised as anyone else that she now had somethin' to shake, and when the shock wore off, we both laughed like drunken schoolgirls and hoped that the security cameras hadn't recorded any of that.

Well, it's got me to thinkin'. Frankly, I'm totally jealous of the whole "grow your bazongas without surgery" thing, and I want in. I don't want a boob job -- I have an aversion to the idea of someone, even a nice surgeon with steady hands, slicing my nipples off so they can stuff implants through the former aereola. Just gaining weight won't do the job, as tits seem to ramp up ever so much better in anticipation of a baby that they can feed. So it's gotta be pregnancy-induced breast enhancement.

And here's the rub: Jim can't really assist me with the pregnancy issue. We wisely decided about 14 years ago that children weren't a good idea for us, and he went and had the doc block any further traffic from the seamonkey factory. Could you put these flowers in a vas deferens? Snip snip. Shootin' wonderful blanks. (Will I get a call from Jim when he reads this?)

So, I'm here to solicit the help of all you spunky monkeys out there. I'm takin' applications for a suitable male, or males if I'm really lucky, to assist me in my quest for pregnant honkers, gallon milk jugs, mama hindenburgs. And by "suitable" I mean willing and able to knock me up. For my part, I will provide plenty of alcohol, blindfolds, and duct tape to make the experience more survivable for you. Ssssshhhhhh...it'll be okay, honey, once the lights are out.

Please be aware that once the child we conceive is actually born, it will be promptly deposited on your doorstep, and I will be changing my phone number so you can no longer find me.

Me and my bigguns.

53 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Meridita said...

do you usually pronounce vase "vahs"? or do you say vase as in 'face'? just wonderin'

12:34 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Snickrsnack Katie said...

I want pregnant bigguns, too. They are always so round and ample. The only problem is that after you give birth to the baby, your funbags start shriveling up and they look worse than when you started.

12:37 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

HELLO!!!! My brother Greenie will totally DO this! You keep the boobs and give him the kid. WIN-WIN!! OH, this is turning out to be a GOOD DAY.

12:38 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

If I'm just talkin', I say "vase" like "face." However, if I can make a really bad pun like this one, I have no problem usin' "vahs"

I am a pun whore.

12:46 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

No, no, no, I don't wanna know that the funbags dry up later, this totally ruins my plan!

But you know, if I can have drunken baby-makin' with the handsome 'Mo Greenie, it might all still be worth it. I can only hope he won't be too scarred for life; hopefully my masculine voice will help that.

Greenie, you in?

12:50 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Greenthumb said...

I'M SOOOOO IN!!!!

1:10 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Greenthumb said...

If it's a girl, can I name her Katie?

1:14 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Now, Greenie, you know I love you, right? And this is fun, but we ARE tryin' to make a baby here, so I just have to say...

WRONG HOLE, DUDE!

1:15 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Greenthumb said...

Ooops! My bad! Old habits.

1:17 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Greenthumb said...

This "Booby Love" child better have your wit and humor. But so help me if it comes out with a tatoo of satan or 666 on it, I'm giving it back.

1:25 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Okay, I usually just sit here and chuckle quietly to myself. This time I was convulsed in silent laughter. Wasn't sure I was going to pull it together when the phone just rang. Love you guys!

1:27 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

I think you're safe, Greenie. I suspect the child would not come out already tattooed, but I can guarantee that he or she will demand one upon birth.

And I think I'll bite my tongue about the 666 tattoo...for reasons that are obvious to someone I know who DOES have a 666 tattoo.
By the way, I heard on the news this morning that some scholar has "discovered" that 666 is not actually the Mark of the Beast - that would be 616, which, as the announcer said, is "the area code for Grand Rapids, Michigan."
Michigan: State of the Beast

1:29 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Hey, my area code is 616. What?

1:31 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Hope you didn't soil yourself at all, Squirl!
You guys are crackin' me up. I'm due at a meeting in about half an hour, and I just know I'm gonna be sittin' there thinkin' "Wrong hole, Greenie, wrong hole..."

I guess that will have to be in Susie Italics.

1:32 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Squirl=Beast of the Apocalypse.

Thought it would be a bigger creature with fangs myself, but that Satan is a sneaky fucker.

1:33 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Get ready, Auntie Squirl! Little Damien will be visiting you soon! Hey, I'm an Auntie, too! Plus I brokered the deal! Katy Susie Damien, that sounds nice, right?

1:56 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Torrie said...

Greenie was the first person who came to mind...

1:58 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

I hate to point this out, but if Greenie comes to mind, Bucky will again have to say:

WRONG HOLE DUDE!

2:08 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

and

well

I love you guys too.

*shifts from foot to foot*

2:08 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger whfropera said...

I have nothing clever to add but love Michigan = "State of the Beast" - I have always thought that for reasons of my own. LOL

2:19 PM, May 11, 2005  
Anonymous Dazed & Confuzed said...

No no no...it'll work like this. Bucky gets a 64 ounce Big Gulp Pabst Blue Ribbon and her and Greenie share it, see? Then, when it's empty, Bucky pushes Greenie into the bathroom with the empty cup and George Michael's 'Faith' video while she and Jim prepare the super-soaker. When Greenie has *ahem*..."restored his faith" he hands the cup over to Jim who loads the super-soaker and......maybe I'm overanalyzing...

2:51 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Greenthumb said...

Well if we are going that route, can I at least request Ricky Martin? And if you can get him there in person all the better.

2:54 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger whfropera said...

d & c ...ok, i just noticed what that looked like, and that is too wierd for even me. LOL

i think you are not overanalyzing but just wrote a script!

3:20 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

Ok I don't know whats wrong with a 666 tattoo but if that happens, you send the little tyke right on over this way because that baby is family!!!

P.S. I have 2 kids, and personally I don't think my funbags shriveled up after the fact so don't listen to them Bucky. The secret? Dont breast feed. Sure it will hurt like fuck for alittle while but your boobies will be so pretty afterwards.

And before everyone freaks out, both my boys were preemies, breast feeding was NOT an option.

3:21 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

See, people? I have the good word from the Bazonga Queen herself.
But, Jess..."that baby is family"?
Are you offering Nick's spunk services? And if so, just how much alcohol will it take?

Dazed...all we need is the bow chicka bow bow music, and I think you are a director.

3:33 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Oh, and if I DO spit out a brat, you guys are ALL aunts and uncles (or both, if you wanna play it that way). You will all be tagged for satan spawn babysitting duties.

3:34 PM, May 11, 2005  
Anonymous Dazed & Confuzed said...

You got it! Next time you're in Seattle, I'd be happy to babysit, if Papa Greenie's busy.

3:56 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Amy said...

Bucky you gotta get those rubbery silicone thingys that look like pieces of boneless skinless chicken breast that you put in your bra. You could prob'ly get em on ebay for like, six bucks.

I loved having the preg boobage. And I breastfed three kids with mine and yeah, they ain't perky enough to rest my chin on, but they ARE bigger than the ones I started with.

3:56 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Nic said...

My word, my word. This is the most fun I've had on a blog today! Heelarryus.

3:57 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

But I wanted first dibs on sitting!

4:06 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Greenthumb said...

Okay, I got the bow chicka bow bow going on in my head now, some one hand me the cup....

4:15 PM, May 11, 2005  
Anonymous Ricky Martin said...

Wait, Greenie, don't start without me...

He bangs, he bangs . . .

4:24 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Greenthumb said...

Oh yeah!!!! RIIIIICCCKKKYYYY!!!!!

4:32 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger whfropera said...

i gotcha bow-chika-bow-wow right here - sound quality is a little low, since its taken from...well...
Bucky's bow wow

4:47 PM, May 11, 2005  
Anonymous Dazed & Confuzed said...

Opera. That...was...the...coolest...thing...I...have...ever...heard. Greenie can have Bucky's baby. I'll have yours.

4:53 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

The Bazonga Queen? Its that an official title and if so, what kind of crown do I get? And how do I knight my loyal subjects?

And Nick's services are always available, the going rate is a Jack and Coke and some Tom Jones music... Bobblehead is my bitch, he does who he is told. heh.

7:18 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

"It's not unusual
to see me cry
I wanna die"


*looks around for panties, bras, assorted mints and hopes like hell he can be knighted*

8:13 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Mr. B., I love Tom Jones. Your comment gave me an honest-to-God laugh out loud moment. For that, I thank you.

9:49 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Greenthumb said...

opera: that...was...priceless. I only wish I could of heard that earlier today. I bow in humbleness to your superior skills.

10:07 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Praise sweet armwrestlin' jesus, Opera gal, I have portable bow chicka bow music now! I can just put that on a loop and porn away.

Amy, I wonder if it would just be cheaper to put raw chicken in my bra. I'll let you know how that goes.

Ricky, you're welcome here, but the gyrations need to be in smaller circles; it's not that roomy in here, and I'm afeared somebody's gonna get hurt.

The Bazonga Queen does not wear a crown so much as she wears a ceremonial rack. And when knighting, it's best if the subject wears some form of facial armor, to protect against the eye-pokin' factor.

And when isn't it a good time for Tom Jones?

10:25 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger spoonleg said...

Bucky you can have some of my super-sized bazongas. They get in the way and movement is really kinda painful. The only purpose they serve is for OTHER people, who stare and them incessantly. What have they done for me lately?

6:57 AM, May 12, 2005  
Blogger hemlock said...

I absolutely love this conversation. AND I've always referred to it as the "vahs" ... but that was only in dissection class...

8:34 AM, May 12, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

I'm just absolutely astounded that not one of you sickos latched onto the "accidental" anal sex.

Not even Mr. Butterific Himself.

9:27 AM, May 12, 2005  
Blogger Closet Metro said...

No such thing as "accidental anal sex." He's lying if he says he missed.

9:56 AM, May 12, 2005  
Blogger Annejelynn said...

Bucky, I love you -

5:38 PM, May 12, 2005  
Blogger Annejelynn said...

and I love Greenie

5:39 PM, May 12, 2005  
Blogger Annejelynn said...

can't way to welcome Bucky and Greenie's boobie love baby into the world

5:40 PM, May 12, 2005  
Blogger Tardist said...

All this talk about 'dirty pillows'! You go in that closet and pray til you're saved, Carrie! I mean Bucky!

8:56 PM, May 12, 2005  
Blogger Balulah said...

Alright, alright. Since I started this wonderful conversation, I should get something, and I will not take the love child, wrong hole Greenie, or Pabst Blue Ribbon. I'll require payment in margaritas on the rocks with a salted rim immediately following birth. I better hear shakers in the hallway after they pluck this thing out of me!

If I was smart I'd stick to Kahlua and creams, then I would only need to sneak in one bottle. Can't beat built in cream!

I too am shocked that noone seemed to comment on our very professional conversation topic. You'd think that would get more of a roar than funbags!

10:47 AM, May 13, 2005  
Blogger Madame D said...

Okay, I'm seconding Jess's learned opinion!
I didn't breastfeed, and mine stayed nice and round. I just let them dry up by themselves, no shot or anything, and they definitely stayed the best they could, under the circumstances.

1:55 PM, May 13, 2005  
Anonymous song said...

first of all spoonie, your funbags are getting you a "Michael Jackson loved me until I grew Up" shirt when I get around to fixing my printer.

and secondly, yes, they DO shrink afterwards..... but wait, they grow back! I was a DD, then a F while pregnant (try fitting that rack) and then I went down to a B but now, 3 years later, they are slowly rising back up to a D. yay for me and my super-self-enlarging boobies... I don't even fertilise.

1:57 PM, May 15, 2005  
Blogger Random and Odd said...

I'm all in for GreenThumb and Bucky babies!!

12:02 AM, October 12, 2005  
Blogger Random and Odd said...

Oh you want a funny baby...

It's either Shaun or Metro then.

12:05 AM, October 12, 2005  

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