New specs and old speculums

Poster girl for wanker blindness

Last week was full of professional appointments for me. On Wednesday, I finally got my new specs, pictured above. These are some big, heavy glasses, and they slip down my nose constantly. My prescription makes the lenses super thick. If you previously only suspected that I was makin' myself blind, you now have conclusive proof.

On Thursday, I had an appointment with my friendly gynecologist. And before you go thinkin' you're awfully clever, I hear you out there goin' "hello...hello...hello...hello..."
I will get you for that.

Anyway, I went into the exam room like I always do, and was instructed to get completely nekkid and then put on the paper gown. I don't think I've ever had a gown with such big, pink, poufy shoulders. I felt pretty.

When Dr. E and his assistant came in, I remarked that the gown reminded me an awful lot of my prom dress. When Dr. E ripped it all the way down the back to listen to my lungs, I remarked that it was now a whole lot more like my prom dress. I think that one went over their heads.

Then they had me get up in the stirrups, which is not nearly as fun as it sounds. I got my feet up and scooched down as instructed. Attempting to relax, I decided to look at something other than the ceiling. So I glanced down, between and past my stirruped legs, and what should my eyes behold but a People magazine on the table. With a picture of John Paul II, the dead pope, starin' back at me from between my legs. It was disconcerting, to say the least. Really, would you want a dead religious figure starin' back at you from between your stirruped feet?

I thought that would be the most off-putting moment of the exam...until Dr. E suddenly invaded me digitally in a way I thought was the exclusive province of patients with a prostate. To say it was unexpected is a gross understatement. I think I yelped a little, and I know I blurted out, "Okay, you really did need to buy me dinner before you did that!"

As always, Dr. E chided me for bein' a smoker, and strongly encouraged me to quit. And I just looked at him and thought, you're gonna violate my ass and you expect me not to smoke afterward?

Silly doctor man.