the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Sunday, May 08, 2005

New specs and old speculums

Poster girl for wanker blindness

Last week was full of professional appointments for me. On Wednesday, I finally got my new specs, pictured above. These are some big, heavy glasses, and they slip down my nose constantly. My prescription makes the lenses super thick. If you previously only suspected that I was makin' myself blind, you now have conclusive proof.

On Thursday, I had an appointment with my friendly gynecologist. And before you go thinkin' you're awfully clever, I hear you out there goin' "hello...hello...hello...hello..."
I will get you for that.

Anyway, I went into the exam room like I always do, and was instructed to get completely nekkid and then put on the paper gown. I don't think I've ever had a gown with such big, pink, poufy shoulders. I felt pretty.

When Dr. E and his assistant came in, I remarked that the gown reminded me an awful lot of my prom dress. When Dr. E ripped it all the way down the back to listen to my lungs, I remarked that it was now a whole lot more like my prom dress. I think that one went over their heads.

Then they had me get up in the stirrups, which is not nearly as fun as it sounds. I got my feet up and scooched down as instructed. Attempting to relax, I decided to look at something other than the ceiling. So I glanced down, between and past my stirruped legs, and what should my eyes behold but a People magazine on the table. With a picture of John Paul II, the dead pope, starin' back at me from between my legs. It was disconcerting, to say the least. Really, would you want a dead religious figure starin' back at you from between your stirruped feet?

I thought that would be the most off-putting moment of the exam...until Dr. E suddenly invaded me digitally in a way I thought was the exclusive province of patients with a prostate. To say it was unexpected is a gross understatement. I think I yelped a little, and I know I blurted out, "Okay, you really did need to buy me dinner before you did that!"

As always, Dr. E chided me for bein' a smoker, and strongly encouraged me to quit. And I just looked at him and thought, you're gonna violate my ass and you expect me not to smoke afterward?

Silly doctor man.

18 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Squirl said...

So it's the old "dead pope between the legs" trick is it? I'm glad you went to the doctor, sorry he soooo took advantage of you. BTW I hope to be seeing your new glasses in person soon.

8:17 PM, May 08, 2005  
Blogger mrtl said...

No warning on the digital invasion? No "This is just my finger"? How mortifying!

11:10 PM, May 08, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Yes, what mrtl said. Don't expect us to believe you went to the gynecologist without wearing your "ass-less chaps." We weren't born yesterday; we've got your number. (Had a lot of sixes in it, as I recall...)

11:14 PM, May 08, 2005  
Blogger Amy said...

You look like a little espionage girl in those glasses, Bucky. It's quite becoming.

As for the GYN, what a pig. And in front of the pope! Preposterous.

7:54 AM, May 09, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Squirl - looks like you'll be seein' me, my new specs, and my chaps weekend after next. Er, maybe I should leave the chaps at home. Some things Mom does NOT need to know about me.

Mrtl - the doc "warned" me at exactly the moment of invasion. No time to prepare, brace myself, clench, or anything. Oh, well, at least he wasn't pretending it was an "accident" like all my dates always did...

Oops, did I just share too much?

Susie - for your information, my number is 1-900-ASS-CHAP. Call me anytime, baby. You know you want to.

Amy - thanks, girlie! Yes, being anally invaded while the dead pope looks on has never been in my top ten fantasies. Maybe #15 or so, but definitely not top ten.

8:09 AM, May 09, 2005  
Anonymous Danielle said...

Oh, I got a good chuckle out of this.

9:11 AM, May 09, 2005  
Anonymous Dazed & Confuzed said...

Please note how I'm tastefully avoiding commenting on this particular subject.

9:31 AM, May 09, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

I think it'd be much better to sound the alarm and yell out, "DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!!!"

Then to have nice radar pings now and then.


9:42 AM, May 09, 2005  
Blogger Spurious Plum said...

My friend, who's English, had her first American gyno exam and called me afterwards completely freaked.

**in an English accent** "He put his finger in my butt! Should I have said something? Is it normal?"

Me: "It's about as normal as a stranger with his hand in your ass can be..."

10:33 AM, May 09, 2005  
Blogger Snickrsnack Katie said...

That is horrendous! Why the hell would a gyno need to finger your asshole? He sounds like a pervert.

I almost busted a gut when you mentioned the magazine with the Pope. John Paul must have flipped over in his grave when he saw that doctor check your oil. Oh, the humanity.

10:58 AM, May 09, 2005  
Anonymous La Pix said...

It's totally normal, unfortunately. Especially as we ripen into women in their prime.

I don't know how you people have escaped it so long; the exam always comes with an ass bandit finish I thought.

11:28 AM, May 09, 2005  
Blogger whfropera said...

KBBAW - the reason why is far too graphic and icky for anyone on the Internet to need clarification on. Let's just say that it is necessary, albeit odd and painful.
But yes, the doc definitley could use a spruce-up in his "bedside manner" as it were.

11:29 AM, May 09, 2005  
Blogger Kitty said...

LOL - ass bandit finale!

So happy I found a gyno that can do an exam Nascar pit crew style. Just jacks me up, checks the oil, give it a once over, five minutes later I'm in my car huffin on another nail for my coffin!

12:42 PM, May 09, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

It's Dang's birthday!

1:04 PM, May 09, 2005  
Blogger Greenthumb said...

OMG!!! I'm dying here...tears are leaking out from holding my laughter in.

Ass bandits are our friends. And so are Nascar Pitt Crews...OMG!!! that one totally floored me. AAAAAHHHHHGGGGG!!!

One womans horror becomes some gay mans fantasy. (a modiefied version of the womans experience of course, including lube, sweaty oiled mens, hey...who invited Pokey?)

5:34 PM, May 09, 2005  
Blogger snaps79 said...

God, Spoony could have shoved her finger in your ass for free! You got spelunked!

10:47 PM, May 09, 2005  
Blogger Madame D said...

Okay, I totally like Mr. Bloggeriffic's warning system.
Thank god, I have escaped the ass spelunking so far, but I've been lucky with my gynos. I've got one lately who informs me of what's going on, and rates very low on the creep factor, so it's not that bad to talk to him while he's getting a fix on where my internal organs are.
But yeah, you totally need a perimeter alarm on that thing!

8:54 AM, May 10, 2005  
Blogger spoonleg said...

What kind of a person do you take me for, HDL? I most certainly DO NOT shove my finger in people's asses FOR FREE. I get paid handsomely for it. You must have me confused with Greenie, whose services ARE free but only if you're an attractive young homosexual male.

On my one post about pap smears many months ago, I did mention the ass jabbing finish. I've only had it ONE TIME, and I was seriously traumatized. She was busy doing her thing down below when suddenly she said, "Now I'm going to check your rectum," and before I even had the chance to take a breath or tell her HELL NO or snap my knees together in protest, she was in. Wearing that god damn cold latex glove with cold ass lube on it. UGH. I think my pucker was permanantly pinched shut for weeks afterwards.

9:25 AM, May 10, 2005  

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