the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Because I'm so traditional

Susie wants us to join in decking the halls, and I can't say as I've been asked to do that lately, so why not? This is all about sharing our Christmas traditions, a favorite recipe, a warm and fuzzy memory that will make the class say "Awwwwwww!" in one sugary chorus.

You know, even a cold-hearted bitch like me has certain things that only get done this time of year, or only feel special this time of year. I hope I can convey to you, via my writing, how much these things make me light up like a gasoline-soaked jack o' lantern. Prepare to meet the kinder, gentler Bucky.

First, I would like to share with you my most cherished holiday recipe.


  • 1 (one) 6-ounce package Sugar Babies, room temperature
  • 1 (one) 6-ounce bag of Reese's Pieces, slightly chilled
  • 3 (three) pounds of king crab legs, shells split
  • 1 (one) quart simmering butter
  • 1 (one) 4-ounce tube of anchovy paste
  • 1 (one) large (frickin' huuuuuge) bottle of red wine
  • 1 (one) generous (frickin' huuuuuuge) wine glass
  • Eat crab legs, dipping generously in simmering butter
  • In between pounds of crab legs, eat the Sugar Babies (first break) and the Reese's Pieces (second break). Dip generously in simmering butter.
  • After finishing crab legs, Sugar Babies, and Reese's Pieces, store remaining simmering butter in a handy rectum for safekeeping and ease of access.
  • Take anchovy paste and pitch out nearest window, 'cause man - that shit's nasty.
  • Belch or otherwise release trapped air.
  • Open large bottle of wine.
  • Holding the glass firmly in one hand, use gravity to extract the wine from the bottle into your glass.
  • At this point, you should have something like this:

Wine. Because I'm old e-fucking-nough

This holiday treat is best enjoyed while taunting one's friends who have not taken the trouble to make this complex but fascinating creation.

Getcher own wine, fuckface
Salut, suckah!

Now, onto my Christmas traditions.

You know, it wouldn't be Christmas without my tradional Christmas hat:
Christmas hat
Because Santa wants me to dress like the third Blues Brother.

And what Christmas hat would be complete without a Christmas robe?
Christmas robe
I like to put on my long leather coat over this robe and go out. The coat doesn't cover the bottom of the robe, so I look like an escaped mental patient. People look at me weird. It's fun!

I also have a little collection I like to call the Christmas beads:
Christmas beads
You should see what Santa made me do for these...

The cream of the crop, of course, is the most traditional of all Christmas accoutrements:
Christmas monkey socks
Monkey socks from Susie!

Now I've done it. I've spilled all my Christmas secrets, and now everyone will realize what an incredible pussy I am. What? I meant I'm a wimp. Scrape your minds out of the gutter. Is this how I raised you? I've only got one Christmas mystery left to reveal, and then you will all know that I'm a big softie and this hardened posterior, er, exterior I show you is only a facade, a show, a mask, a big fakey tricksie false thingamabob.

I'm going to show you my Christmas decorations.

Sure, I protest all the time that I don't decorate for the holidays. That was a lie, a big, buck-toothed lie. I have a special ornament, one that's been passed down from generation to generation by the women in my family. I love this ornament. It holds a special place in my heart, and I don't think I could ever not have it without feeling a void.

Traditional tree decorations
It's 'bout to get all festive in here.

46 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Candy said...

I used to have that same ornament! But I lost mine about 3 years ago..

12:23 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

BWAHAHAHA, I'm told I won't need this ornament anymore in a few years myself.

12:24 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Candy said...

You only LOOK like a mental patient?

You should make a good New Years resolution. Like maybe,

This year I wont be a dirty liar.

12:25 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Can I be a squeaky-clean liar? Or a merely smudged liar? A stained liar?

12:28 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

How 'bout a "slightly sullied" liar? But what I really wanna know is why isn't your special ornament red? You know, to be authentic Christmas-y colors and all.

12:43 AM, December 14, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that ornament is very close to my .... heart this time of the... year.

1:05 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Eclectic - oh, don't think I didn't contemplate adding some color. In the end, even I thought that would be about two degrees too tasteless.
(but I'd be happy to accomodate your weird request in email!)

SF Knits - yeah, I feel kinda, um, "festive" right now myself. ;)

1:45 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Opera Gal said...

tom waits coupld write a really good song about that ornament.

7:00 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

I kinda wondered about the color of the ornament, too. No need to accommodate me with a picture in an e-mail, though.

Them are Bone-Rollers beads. I'd know 'em anywhere.

Merry fuckin' Christmas!

7:36 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Oh no you di'int! with that ornament!!!! I knew the day would come; way back when you wanted to show us one of those in the freakin' furniture store parking lot -- I KNEW the day would come when you would find a reason. I just didn't know that day would be CHRISTMAS!!!!

You may have crossed the line this time, Bucky. All those times when you told us just enough to keep us interested, but never TRULY revealed the real you? Well, this time, the real you may be hanging out there like an ass in chaps. I quote, "escaped mental patient." I'll have to look into this...

(Oh, and thanks for having a party; it's been real...)

7:53 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

Deeply disappointed there are no assless chaps in view, and in fact I think it's a little dishonest. Don't pretend those aren't a part of every Christmas for you, cowgirl.

And we have a new perspective on the holiday phrase "Be careful getting the ornaments out of the box - you don't want breakage!"

8:07 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger MilkMaid said...

Share the wine Bucky, share, share SHARE!

I mean in the spirit of the season and all....

8:21 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Opera gal - maybe I should send him the picture? He could write, "Never Mind What's UNDER the Tree."

Squirl - right the fuck back atcha. Yup. Bone Roller beads. But since there are no Bone Rollers anymore, they are now Christmas beads. Because Santa likes to throw dice, too.

Susie - heh heh, I wondered if anybody would remember that story about the furniture store. I guess when a story scars you like that, it's hard to let it go.
You won't send me back to that place will you? I'll pull my ass back inside the car, I promise!

Nilbo - oh, I was savin' the chaps for the Christmas cards. I'm dreaming of a chapped Christmas...

MilkMaid - hey, that's why I got the big mammajamma bottle of wine. I figured once y'all saw me with it, everybody would show up with an empty glass.

9:11 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger LadyBug said...

To answer your question: Yes, Bucky, this is exactly how you raised us.

9:13 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

LadyBug - oh, dear! Hoist by my own petard...

9:14 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

You were right. That WAS a warm and fuzzy post. Now all I can think of are Disney movies and Billy Gilman singing.

9:33 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Take anchovy paste and pitch out nearest window, 'cause man - that shit's nasty.

LOL! That cracked me up, Bucky! Up until that point, I thought "Man! She eats that crap?! Ew!"

Very heart warming and so good to seek the kinder, gentler side of our little Bucky dear.

Awww. Bucky, come here and give me a hug...

9:41 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Jim - did I warm the cockles of, never mind. Have some eggnog. At least, I THINK that's nog.

CKelli - do I have to put down the ornament before I hug you?

9:42 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

I have an entire box of those ornaments! They're special.
The only reason I really like having these precious trinkets around, however, is to line the perimeter of my desk to warn all the male-folk not to bother me while I'm eating my chocolate fat-free frozen yogurt in sullen silence...that only happens every 28 days.

At least you didn't take a picture of one of these floating in your wine glass. Or did you? *giggle*

9:46 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Aw, no, MoDis, you know she's gonna do that now...

10:07 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Abso-freakin-lutely yes. Thank you very much. ;) Pass the wine!

10:15 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger hemlock said...

I very much like your Christmas recipe and decoration.

Brings a tear to my eye really. Just reminds me of home.


10:46 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger hemlock said...

Oh yeah...pass the wine on over...would ya?

10:46 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

M_D - I think your plan is a solid one. I like to hold the box of ornaments out in front of me when I buy them - people scramble the hell outta my way.
Floating in the wine glass, eh? Hmmmmmm....

Susie - you see how people encourage/enable me? Did you send anyone after me with a butterfly net yet? You know, people like me desperately want to be caught.

CKelli - hold out your glass, I am not stingy with the grape.

LeafGirl - warm and fuzzy, accomplished! And I LOVE your new profile pic.

10:54 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

No, no, Bucky, I didn't request to see it, I just wanted to know WHY you didn't volunteer it. Heck, I already know what they look like red.

11:45 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Nina said...

Well I am thinking that you can dip those ornaments in the red wine and hang them outside on your tree. Unique there would be no doubt.
I WOULD gladly retire the err, ornaments I have like those, in a heartbeat.

1:27 PM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Effie said...

Um, lovely, uh, decoration Bucky! THanks for the b-day wishes!

And I think I'd like to try your recipe--I especially like the part about throwing the anchovy paste out the window--teehee!

2:28 PM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Eclectic - dang, take away all my fun. You SURE you dont' wanna see a picture?

Nina - my neighbors already think I'm totally cracked, so why not wine-soaked ornaments outside? I like it.

Effie - that's my fave part of the recipe, too. Damned anchovies.

KChia - uh oh, are we back on the "Who Would Bucky Do?" question again? You can't even IMAGINE what that started last time I posed that very query.

3:00 PM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Kassi Gilbert said...

oh my fagoodness. there's a tampon on the internet.

3:54 PM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Random and Odd said...


7:14 PM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

Oh Kylz... what have you done??

8:33 PM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Amy said...

Oh Bucky you bring it. Always.
From beads to big black hat.
You truly make the holidays,
But did you have to hold up THAT?

You are too great. My darling.

8:53 PM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

Remember: This would only work with red wine.
Yes, I'm asking for it. Big time.

Have many a scenario going on in my head...this has the be the most fun I've had all damn day.

9:06 PM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

I admit that I am just getting into the Christmas Spirit, but with all these posts about Christmas traditions I may do the dance of the bizarre. Between you ornament and Jessica’s nipple cozy, I think I am going down to the wine cellar and begin a Christmas tradition of my own.

10:28 PM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Kassi - I felt it deserved its moment in the spotlight. Ta da!

Kristine - wait, I thought I was the normal one!

Kylz - funny you should mention it. I had the most intereting email from someone who shall remain nameless for now...angels, huh?

Eclectic - someone else - unnamed - has jumped on the idea before I could get there.

KChia - you should see what I beheld in my inbox...

Amy - I love it when you come in here and go all poetess on my ass!

M_D - I may have to do this, since someone else already did the angel thing.

SS Nick - I could put nipple cozies on my teddy bear if that would help!

11:41 PM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

heh heh heh

11:48 PM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger Annejelynn said...

yer definitely on Santa's "naughty" list, I'm sure of it

3:20 AM, December 15, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Your "ornament" is a Mexican wedding favor? Yea, I could see that . . .

6:57 AM, December 15, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Annejelynn - oh, I think I'm on EVERYbody's naughty list.

Which isn't a bad thing, in some cases...

7:56 AM, December 15, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Susie - I like to think of it as more of a pinata...

7:57 AM, December 15, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

I can't believe no one has mentioned the butter-filled rectum. Did my ornament really throw you off that much?

8:18 AM, December 15, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Some places, even WE can't go, Bucky :p

8:52 AM, December 15, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

LOL -- Yeah... what Susie said. ;)

9:23 AM, December 15, 2005  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

You mean nobody else does that with butter?

9:40 AM, December 15, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're totally hot in that hat.

1:53 PM, December 15, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Susie - CAN'T go or WON'T go due to common sense and a gag reflex?

CKelli - now, I know you can't be easily sickened if you come here regularly. :)

M_D - fairly common butter use in my house. Yours too?

Kalki - why thank ya! But it's the mental-patient robe that really pushes the whole ensemble into temptress territory.

1:56 PM, December 15, 2005  

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